Why won't husband DO anything??

[PistachioTiramisu]

OK - it's now 10 days until Christmas. I have most things sorted, such as decorations, food, presents, etc. Since mid-November I have been prompting DH to find out from his (adult) children what they and the grandchildren would like for their Christmas presents. He had done absolutely nothing at all in this respect, or anything else towards preparations for that matter! I have reminded him and reminded him to do something, but he just won't. I don't want them to be disappointed on Christmas Day, but on the other hand I don't see why I should sort out stuff for HIS children. What would you do?

What happened last Christmas?

You have two options:

Decide that you really don't care if they all get crap last-minute presents, that it is not your problem, and that you absolutely won't be embarrassed when they unwrap them - if there is anything to unwrap.
OR
Decide that as you love Christmas and want good relationships with these people, whom you genuinely like, that you will get them presents. Contact them yourself to ask for suggestions what to buy (leaving lazy useless DH out of the loop), then positively enjoy buying and wrapping for them.

Trying to get DH to do something that he can't be arsed to do is a waste of your energy. Being embarrassed about his failure is you internalising the Christmas patriarchy, so rid yourself of that guilt and get mentally free.

He’ll get them socks or something last minute, and give them money at a guess. Pretty crap, but some people just are. They’re usually the ones who say ‘it’s the thought that counts’ when they clearly haven’t put any thought into it!

What I was wondering…

How long have you been together - what has been the modus operandi in the past?

Does he like Christmas? Not everyone does, so maybe he doesn't want to face up to it.

I wouldn't mention it again, and leave him to panic a couple of days before Xmas. At that point you won't have time to help him as no doubt you'll be buying and making final food choices!

You send him a text, now. Put it in writing. So you have evidence. And make it clear to his kids you are letting him deal with it this year BEFORE the day. Put some pressure on.

He won't DO anything because he has got used to you running about in a whirlwind flurry doing everything for him.

This is his normal. He knows he can do naff all - and it will all somehow get done.

You have asked him to find out / decide what his relatives want / get on with it.

You've done it.

The first rule of misogyny is: 'Women are responsible for what men do.'

So step away. Drop the rope. This is not on you. It's on him.

And incidentally, how is he about YOUR present?

I'd make him go out shopping, would insist and be quite cross with him about this.

But it’s not ages to Christmas if you want stuff delivered (pretty much other than Amazon), so many websites have today listed as last date to order to guarantee delivery in time for Christmas. Leaving it to the last minute takes this from “just spend 10 minutes ordering online” to “have to allocate half a day to go to the shops to see if they have the thing in stock, up to all day shopping if you have to go to several shops.”

This^
there is a chance that he will get them total rubbish and they will think that it’s from you.

Like others have said, his family his responsibility.
DH has done nothing either, which isn't unusual. He's ordered a turkey after reminding him several times, but he's the only one that wants turkey so if he didn't it's only him that would suffer. Ive bought for DS and my side of the family, he needs to buy for his side nieces/nephews and a birthday. He doesn't even think about Xmas until he's finished at work, so he will do it last minute which isn't unusual. But even if he didn't, I wouldn't be doing it.
If he doesn't get his act together and buy for his adult kids, then that's him being a useless father. Don't let it be your responsibility.

Out of curiosity are you the type of person who buys random "that'll do" or "I hope they like it" gifts - rather than a specific thing that you know the gift receiver actually wants?
I have no idea obviously if you are buying for any children but a lot of popular toys are now sold out.

There’s always the classic of a last minute gift voucher, bought and printed out on Christmas Day and shoved in a card (one of my ex’s signature moves!)

You don't need to be panicking to get things done at the last minute because it is not your responsbility. They are not your children and grandchildren so it's up to him to buy presents for them.
Tell him one more time that it's down to him to buy them and you won't be doing so and then that's it. Don't mention it again and don't do anything about it.

Isn’t this pretty standard for a lot of males?
My ex used to go Christmas shopping Christmas Eve and just grab random crap for people, including for his kids.
My dad hasn’t don’t his Christmas shopping yet either, he will probably give people cash. I can remember him going shopping late Christmas Eve and just buying everyone alcohol and food one year.

Just let him do what he wants to do. They are his kids.

You have to leave him to it. I have done similar with my husband, after constantly having to remind him. I basically said I am officially handing your side of the family over to you, and I’ll sort mine. I told him I’m taking them off my list and mental load, so if it’s not done that’s it’s on him. He did ask me a couple of times who he needed to buy for 🙄 but now i assume is sorting it.

Because he's a man.

We've been together 15 years and married for 10. In the past I have contacted the kids directly and asked what they and their children would like. Then it has been up to me to do the direct shopping and he has done on line shopping. I'm a mug, aren't I? I just decided this year I would not go through this procedure and see what happens!!

Admittedly, this is a particularly easy year for me.

DPs proper gift was sorted months ago, as she wanted Bon Jovi tickets, so was online at 8am manically refreshing in October for them, and sorting out a hotel. So all she's getting on Christmas itself is a stocking with some small stuff in it, and tickets for a musical for the same weekend as Bon Jovi, which isn't until September so there's no rush buying them.

DD is 18, and wants a new phone, but doesn't really care what, so I'll research and buy that on Wednesday, probably off Amazon or Argos. Then again, a stocking with some tat in it. DP has got her some clothes and smellies etc.

Niece and nephew will involve a trip to the toy shop on Wednesday. I've asked my brother if there's anything they want, and he's been useless as per usual. So I don't need anything specific, and an entire toy shop to choose from.

The rest of my family do a sort of secret santa thing, so I've only got SIL to buy for, and we stick to around £25.

DP buys for her family, so nothing to worry about for me there. Although they do play a game between Christmas and New Year that involves buying around 6 presents, but each tends to be about a fiver, and then they get dished out according to a complex rule set. These are all quite jokey things though, so again nothing really specific to get.

And then theres only one friend that I exchange presents with, but I already know the book I'm buying her this year, so just need to pop into Waterstones.

If you always do what you've always done
You'll always get what you've always got

Glad you are changing the narrative

Sounds like you’re sorted, @VimesandhisCardboardBoots as you’ve actually already put in the main hard work months ago, which seems to be the secret to an effortless Christmas!
on an unrelated note, I love your username!

This feels like an appropriate thread to pop this on, which a friend sent me recently and is very true!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kqovWr4VwFs.

(It’s Farideh singing about how ‘the
magic of the season is your mum)

They aren't just his children. They are YOUR stepchildren. Get them something just from you if you want to make a point but don't get them nothing. In laws I don't have any opinion on- they can get nothing.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots ok you sound pretty sorted 🙂🎄