Don't want my brother's dog at Christmas

[Keepoffmyartichokes]

Every year we host Christmas for both families, it's always a lovely day but a bit chaotic. This year my brother who has to travel about 40 minutes but due to sharing custody of his children only stays about 3 hours wants to bring his cockapoo. We don't want the dog in our house, we don't have pets, we have nice flooring we don't want scratching, nice furniture that we don't want to dog jumping on. It's a spoiled dog and not very well trained. My DS who is 13 said he doesn't want it there as it's jumpy and he's not keen. My MIL has had a knee replacement this year and is a bit unsteady still and I think it will cause stress for her as a trip hazard. But how do I tell my brother kindly without coming across as a dog hater.

All you can do is be honest.

He will probably decline the invitation as to him, the dog is not only family but also his responsibility. I wouldn't leave my pet alone for hours unless it were an emergency and it will probably already be too late for him to book a sitter.

Just tell him is welcome but with so many people you don't have space for the dog and ask him to leave it at home.

We have a young dog.
Normally he's very welcome at my mum's house even though she isn't a dog lover. But on Christmas day he will stay at home. It will be too noisy and chaotic with little children everywhere and will be stressful for the dog too as well as the adults having to keep an eye on him. I'm also slightly worried how he is going to be with my mum's huge tree and can foresee him getting overexcited and some decorations getting knocked over!

We only live round the corner so we are lucky that we won't go until mid morning and we can pop back to see see him and walk him at vapour points and it's not an overnight visit or anything like that. I think DH is actually quite relieved he has an excuse to get out for fresh air and see the dog as my family can be a bit much!!

I'd rather have the dog near me, in case of the outside chance that something happened and I couldn't get back within a few hours - you know, food poisoning or something. I suppose you could get round that by getting a neighbour involved, but we don't have anyone we could call in. But you do have a point about warm house v. cold car.

They are not excluding him, just the dog which is perfectly reasonable.
I wouldn't want a guest to bring a dog either, Christmas with a lot of visitors including a frail person recovering from an operation will be stressful and chaotic enough anyway without adding a dog into the mix
And those people saying can it stay in a crate are being unreasonable. I don't know how big OPs house is but I know I wouldn't have a quiet spot to put a dog crate at Christmas

You are shuffling the times for the brother. The dog can’t come in. That’s fine. The brother needs to accommodate his DC as well as his dog, so may be relieved by the offer to do things a bit earlier/later than usual.

Saying you love dogs but don't want one in your house is weird, and sounds like you don't love dogs in the slightest.

Please tell me you were just using 10 hours as a rather extreme example and you don’t actually leave your dog alone for 10 hours??

Just tell him that the dog won't be welcome. No point beating a out the bush making excuses. I did this with my SiL a few years ago, she wasn't happy initially, but she still came, minus dog, and we all had a good time.

@DBD1975

ewww no, who wants a dogs naked arse on their throw and sofa? Plus dog hairs! No. Dog can lay on floor. It’ll be fine. Although Op has already decided she doesn’t want it all which is her prerogative.

It is rather rude to expect that a dog could be brought into a dog-free home (unless enthusiastically invited). And it is even worse to put any kind of pressure on someone to allow it. It is rather similar to a smoker wanting to smoke in non-smokers home, absolutely improper.

You don't need to hide behind a frail relative, a dog-free home is a dog-free home.

They are excluding him by insisting on a venue he is unable to attend because of his pre-existing responsibilities. A bit like insisting on an adult only venue, meaning that parents and children wouldn't be able to attend.

Awful, selfish thing to do.

OP does not have to have to dog in her house. But if her house is not dog friendly, and a close family member has pre-existing responsibilities to a dog that cannot be left, then her house is no longer a suitable venue for whole family meet ups. A venue accessible for everyone needs to be found.

@KittyMacNitty

i love dogs but don’t want one in my house. I have cream carpets and my house smells nice and dogs all stink so I don’t want them making my house smell. I guess you could say I love my house more than I like dogs 🐕

Sometimes you have to make a direct choice between the thing you want (no dog) and people thinking well of you.

Which of those two is more important to you?

I’m not going to judge you for being a people pleaser - I’m absolutely revelling in the freedom from that has come along in my fifties when along with my eggs, it seems I’ve also run out of fucks to give.

So they are bringing the dog to your home? That's awful.

I suppose it is very hard to stop it once you allowed it, but this sounds like a complete nightmare.

Is there an outhouse or conservatory you can put the dog in? That's what I do when I take mine to the family Christmas - my stepdad is not a dog fan and doesn't want them in the house, which is fair enough. I take them for a long walk and wear them out so they sleep through lunch - obviously they'd rather be in the house causing chaos but they're fine waiting in the conservatory!

Hi Bro

Just wanted to address the Xmas day issue. I know you'd love to bring the dog but it just doesn't work for us.

Wanted to let you know now so you have enough time to make suitable arrangements.x.

No need to give reasons.

No need for further discussion.

You have a pet free home by choice.

This mean other people's pets are not welcome.

I'm a dog owner and lover but I do think it's a bit extreme insisting the rest of my (non dog-loving or owning) family fit round my decision to have dogs. At Christmas, if we do the big family thing at a sibling or my parents' house, I either get a dog sitter or put my dogs out of the way. I wouldn't expect them to be allowed to roam round the home of a person who didn't want them there, even if they were a blood relative. Of course, if Christmas is at my house, they have to put up with my dogs, but that's their choice! I don't think they're excluding me by saying they don't want the dogs there. I do have dogs that are quite happy to be left (thank god) though, which does make it much less of a problem.

OP the fact that he's asked if his dog is invited is a good sign I think, he's not just automatically assuming so might be prepared for dog not to be and has enough time to make plans.

Then they should stay with their pet. Simple solution. Or organise and host Christmas themselves, but be prepared that people who dislike or are scared of dogs will decline the invitation.

They are not excluding the brother they are excluding the dog. Two separate entities.

Just because you have a dog doesn’t mean you get to impose the dog on other people or places.

Interesting that some dog owners understand but others are very much ‘my fur baby must always be with me’.

I am sure that there were family gatherings pre-dog. The brother is the one who made the choice to get a dog - his decision.

You're at it now.

I love dogs and am perfectly happy for people to bring them to my housre, let them jump up on to my sofas etc. But if my house was going to be rammed with people on Christmas Day, the dog was extremely hyper and untrained, the general atmosphere was already going to be quite chaotic and there was a child who gets panicky about the dog and an older person who had just had a knee replacement attending, I too would be saying no to your brother bringing his dog.

But why would you insist on having Christmas somewhere that you know your sibling (who will otherwise be alone) can't come?

Its a pretty shitty thing to do.

A venue accommodating everyone needs to be found. Why does Christmas have to happen at OPs house?

Surely its more important that everyone can attend than it happens at OPs house.

Why not move it to OPs Mums dog friendly house? OP can still do all the cooking etc if she wishes or DPs are unable? Or just a meal out at a dog friendly and child friendly pub.

The important thing is that the whole family can attend, no?