Don't want my brother's dog at Christmas

[Keepoffmyartichokes]

Every year we host Christmas for both families, it's always a lovely day but a bit chaotic. This year my brother who has to travel about 40 minutes but due to sharing custody of his children only stays about 3 hours wants to bring his cockapoo. We don't want the dog in our house, we don't have pets, we have nice flooring we don't want scratching, nice furniture that we don't want to dog jumping on. It's a spoiled dog and not very well trained. My DS who is 13 said he doesn't want it there as it's jumpy and he's not keen. My MIL has had a knee replacement this year and is a bit unsteady still and I think it will cause stress for her as a trip hazard. But how do I tell my brother kindly without coming across as a dog hater.

The dog isn’t human. It is a pet.

Just say no. I have dogs but don’t allow other dogs into my home. My breed of dogs are very cat friendly and my cat knows them. My cat does not like visiting dogs and most chase or bark. So I simply say no dog visitors. My sister has dogs and has no problem respecting this. Your house, your rules.

Just say no. We’ve got 2 dogs - one is an absolute dream and will just sit in a dog bed nice and quiet, one is an utter psycho.

If he’s just there for a few hours, the dog will be fine home alone. I regularly leave mine home for up to 5 hours for work (they are used to it and trained before anyone pipes up that it’s a long time) - there no reason for him to absolutely have to bring the dog.

Walk the dog before he leaves, leave it some treats/toys, and the dog will probably be happier at home anyway.

@dontmalbeconme

the dog isn’t a human. Everyone can come, the dog isn’t a person. Dog is a pet. Pets are left at home. Problem solved, no?

No. I had a dog.You have no idea how much I loved him. We got him from a rescue home when he was 6 months old and he was "put down" 14 years later at home, with his family around him. His mum, dad and brothers. Still can't get over the fact that he was wagging his tail when he got the wee initial thing in his paw. I was at home with him as it was my day off, but my husband and sons immediately left work to come home and be with him. We all adored him. He was never put in a kennel when we went on holiday because we thought it would retraumatise him. So for 14 years we didn't go abroad, we just had holidays here in the UK.

HOWEVER, that was our choice to make him a part of our family. It wasn't our extended family's choice. Some of them were scared of dogs.

I seriously don't think that a family event should centre around a dog.

It's up to the dog owner to work around it, not the person who has invited them to her home and will be cooking and catering for them.

I cannot believe the fact that you think a whole family event should be centred around a dog.

So self centred.

OP I feel your pain. I’ve previous for people pleasing but this is the hill I’ll die on. I’m hosting this year, first time in new house (cream carpets that we cannot afford to replace) and have point blank refused to have a family members dog in the house.
It’s a PITA, under people’s feet even on a lead, barks incessantly and it has gone for DC/dogs/cats. “but he’s just being friendly!” I’m not subjecting DCat or myself to it. DCat will already be put out from being turfed out of the room with her fave sit spot due to family staying. I won’t relax if it’s there as it has form for jumping on me and I’ll be trying to serve a Xmas dinner.
I said no. They’ve not yet said what they’re going to do and it’s not my problem. If they want to stay with the dog then that’s up to them but I’m not having everyone else uncomfortable so they can have the dog here.

I’m so glad I’ve got 2 cats ! People don’t even ask anymore if they can bring dogs. They know they can’t

Yes, a pet that OPs brother has a responsibility to. He cannot attend somewhere if that means leaving his animal in distress. Therefore choosing a a place that he cannot bring his dog is excluding him.

A decent person would not want to exclude him, so therefore would not insist on (or even suggest) a venue that he cannot attend due to his pre-existing responsibilities.

Op is completely within her rights to not have the dog in her house. However, this means that her house is not a suitable venue for whole family gatherings.

I find it odd that anyone thinks that OP having Christmas at her house rather rhan an alternative venue is more important than the whole family being able to attend.

Or are some prople saying that abusing a living creature by leaving it scared and in distress is an acceptable choice?

Surely people have to accept that, if you choose to have a dog, there may be households that prefer not to have animals. Not because they object necessarily, but they have made that choice not to have a dog, for whatever reason. Just as people are entitled to have pets in their home, because that’s their choice and what they want.

We have neighbours who have several very large dogs in a small house. I will never go there for a cup of tea, if offered, because I don’t like large bouncy dogs. They do, so that’s their choice. I’d go round to another house, because their dog is well trained and socialised.

In our own homes, we can, within reason, choose what we want to have and do. We have to make decisions, based on what makes us comfortable in those homes.

Having a dog isn't the same as having a disability! You do not have to make reasonable adjustments for dogs 🤣

@dontmalbeconme

it’s only 4 hours. Dogs are fine to be left for four hours. And it isn’t then we are only in beginning of November - he has time to build up the time the dog is left, maybe crate train or whatever. The dog probably won’t like it initially but it will get used to it, and it will be better for all in the long run including the dog. If brother isn’t pretreated to do that then that’s on him isn’t it! He can spend Christmas home with the dog. That’s his choice and I guess as a dog owner you have to make some sacrifices. I’m sure the pluses of having a dog will make up for it for him.

No, some people are saying if you choose to have a dog you might have to miss out because society does not have to accept dogs in every circumstance.

As others have pointed out to you, we (as humans) have responsibilities (legally) to make reasonable adjustments for people (actual humans) not dogs. I know that must be hard for you to hear. And, for what it's worth, as I know it's been said many times, having a dog/"fur baby" is not the same as having a child. Dog = animal child = human

He's totally not bothered by it.

Kennels on the other hand, when he went for his trial i had to pick him up after less than an hour because he was so distressed he was defecating standing up, and shaking all over, and i was advised not to try again at another less scrupulous kennels who would accept him as she felt he'd come back permanently changed.

Home boarder i tried a few attempts, but when i tried the overnight, he trotted in happily in the morning, but after i left he was constantly looking for exits and wouldn't eat or drink at all, so couldn't stay.

At home alone he is completely chilled out, absolutely no signs of distress. The only time he wasn't okay was when there was an event on and cars parked all down our normally quiet remote rural road with people walking past the house and milling around, we were only gone a few hours and his beard was saturated in drool on our returned and he was all hyped up. Luckily this is only an issue for a few days every 4 or 5 years, and he will be coming with us next time.

He also loves the dog sitter staying.

I honestly don't think he'd care if we left him overnight (we haven't but if we did in an emergency), so long as someone let him out before bedtime and he could sleep on the sofa.

Of course people accept that their dogs arent welcome in everyone's homes. It's just that most prople wouldnt expect their sibling to insist on having Christmas at a venue they cannot attend (knowing that they would be leaving them alone on Christmas by doing so).

Why is having Christmas at OPs house (which she is quite within her rights to declare as dog free) being given more importance than selecting a venue that the whole family can attend taking into account their varying needs and commitments?

A decent human being would ensure that whichever venue was selected did not exclude anyone from attending. Since OPs house is dog free, it by default excludes her brother (unless you think abusing a dog by leaving them in distress is OK) and it is not a suitable venue.

Why is OP prioritising having the celebration at her house over having her brother there? No-one seems to be answering that.

The obvious solution is to find an alternative, dog friendly venue for the whole family to celebrate Christmas together. OP gets to keep her home dog free, and OPs brother can attend.

I really wouldn’t dream or ask anyone if I could bring my dogs to their house. If it’s four hours they’ll sleep, once asleep they won’t even register the time left. Busy crowded Christmas days aren’t great for dogs anyway. Thats why most reputable rescue centres don’t rehome in December.

@dontmalbeconme

it’s not abusing a dog to leave it in its own home for four hours which is presumably warm, safe and comfortable. Get a grip.
looks like it’s gonna be a lonesome Christmas for OP’s bro but thems the breaks…when we get a dog we have to be prepared for the fact that we can’t do everything the same as we used to 🤷‍♀️

I‘m with you. I wouldn’t leave a relative or friend alone if there was something I could do to compromise. So glad I have the friends and family I do!

Yes, it is abusing a dog to leave it for 4 hours if that is going to cause it to be scared and distressed. Some dogs could be left for that long (at the maximum), but many cannot, despite all the training in the world. The best person to judge whether OPs brother could leave his dog without it getting distressed is OP's brother, not you!

Leaving a dog scared and distressed is abusive. You might be quite happy to abuse animals, but thankfully most dog owners are not, and don't see it as a "choice".

@Keepoffmyartichokes My comment isn’t probably going to go down very well but… I’ll brace myself. OP - just send a message and explain what you just said. No, a different venue doesn’t need to be found, and no you are not excluding your brother and being mean. I think it is a very British thing that somehow people have decided that they cannot leave their dogs unattended. It’s a pet not a human. Whilst I am not advocating for leaving the dog alone for hours on end for and afternoon the dog will be fine. And no, I don’t hate dogs at all I just don’t think they are the same as humans. Treating them with kindness and love is very different than taking them everywhere. This will probably come across as a bit of a rant but I still remember when a co worker of mine compared her dog to my child … insane. It’s your house, if you asked me to leave the dog at home I would and if needed I would leave a bit earlier. Honestly people.

You can explain it in a calm and practical way. Say that you have concerns about your flooring and furniture, and also that your MIL is still recovering and the dog could be a trip risk. You are happy for your brother to come, but the dog needs to stay at home. Keep it simple and clear.

How do you know that somebody else's dog, that you've presumably never met, will be fine, somehow knowing better than its own owner, who knows the dog and judges that it cannot be left?

OP, why can you not choose an alternative, inclusive venue?

Not one single person has addressed that, despite it being the glaringly obvious solution!

Or change the venue to somewhere OPs brother is not excluded and left on his own at Christmas. Surely the most important thing is that everyone (including OPs brother) is able to be there?

Doesn't the "honestly people" ending tell you everything about this poster's empathy and understanding? I have never heard that expression used by anyone who had actually grasped the situation or had any insight into what everyone else was concerned about.

🤣 you’re right I don’t know that. But the OP is allowed to not have dogs in her home. And I thought I read that the brother had left the dog at home in the past - maybe im wrong! .

Honestly changing the venue because of a dog would not ever cross my mind and thankfully neither it would my family. It’s a dog not a human.

@dontmalbeconme most people prefer not to host huge numbers. Why can’t the dog owner host if it’s that important. I bet the rest are happy for the OP to host as it then means they don’t need to. If she sends a message out saying “can’t host here as the dog can’t come. Whose house can we go to instead” I bet there would be tumble weed and lots of reasons why they can’t host.
Hosting is a massive deal, and I can’t see the dog owner offering here