Don't want my brother's dog at Christmas

[Keepoffmyartichokes]

Every year we host Christmas for both families, it's always a lovely day but a bit chaotic. This year my brother who has to travel about 40 minutes but due to sharing custody of his children only stays about 3 hours wants to bring his cockapoo. We don't want the dog in our house, we don't have pets, we have nice flooring we don't want scratching, nice furniture that we don't want to dog jumping on. It's a spoiled dog and not very well trained. My DS who is 13 said he doesn't want it there as it's jumpy and he's not keen. My MIL has had a knee replacement this year and is a bit unsteady still and I think it will cause stress for her as a trip hazard. But how do I tell my brother kindly without coming across as a dog hater.

Don't be ridiculous, what a stupid comment. I have two of my own dogs but no way is anyone bringing their dog into my house and my family have all got dogs and they (without the dogs) all come to me at Christmas.

Thank you all for your kind and not so kind responses. I am very much a people pleaser but it's nice to know I am not alone in my opinion. I am sure my brother will be fine and will still come maybe just for not as long. I will speak to him later.

Would the dog be happy staying in the car, with a blanket if it's cold? That's what I would do in this situation. Walk the dog round the block half way through the day and check on him frequently. He'll be fine.

I don't know any dogs who have damaged houses they've visited with their families.
Put some throws on the sofas, cook some extra carrots and wrap a toy up for under the tree. Plan an after dinner walk.The dog will make the day more joyful and bring everyone together.

I think the potential problem with this, and similar ostensibly sensible solutions, is that DB will say “DDog is shaking/lonely/sad/cold/whatever.” Then OP is put on the spot refusing to admit the dog, leading to Christmas Day drama.

That is why I would say the dog cannot be there at all. Although of course, she doesn’t actually have the right to tell brother he can’t have dog in car.

I really don’t know why some people turn Christmas into a power struggle. I absolutely love dogs, but I would either go to my sisters for less time, or politely decline the invitation and genuinely bear no ill will.

Why would leaving a dog on it's own in a cold car be any better than leaving it alone in a warm house? Why can't the brother take the dog for a long walk before leaving it for a few hours then walking it again when he gets back?

Oh god do NOT say this, he'll end up guilting you into allowing the dog inside when it's outside looking sad and whining!

Did the op state the dog can’t be left on its own? Have I missed that bit? I’m not generalising and speaking out on behalf of all dogs and owners, just commenting on this one situation.

When did it become a thing for dog owners to take their dogs absolutely everywhere? I had dogs growing up, we never took them with us when we visited friends or family.

What does your brother do with the dog when he's at work OP?

I completely agree, a dog should never be left in the boot of a car. In my opinion, a dog shouldn't be left in any part of the car for lengthy periods. That will only cause it a great deal of stress and in winter it will be bloody freezing.

It always amazes me that people find it so difficult to just have a conversation with their own family. How do you get through life?

You don’t have to come across as a dog hater to not want a dog at a busy family get together, although using that term is so OTT, I’m not convinced that this isn’t just a thread to get the actual dog haters frothing.

IF it’s real, just speak to your brother like the adult you are.

The OP does not state this dog has separation anxiety though, only that he is not often left alone for long, so your patronising put-down is not really relevant, is it? And as one of my dogs DOES have it I am perfectly entitled to comment - it’s the reason we have a second dog as it alleviates his anxiety.

Have you read the OP? She doesn't want the dog there. It's not for you to decide how her family will be brought together. Bit presumptuous to imply that the family are not already 'together' 🙄

Say feck off with your dog

Or, sorry, no dogs in the house

I'd just tell him that the dog needs to stay at home. I really hate this trend of dogs having to go everywhere.

My son is scared of dogs so definitely no dogs in our house and I wouldn't take him to someone's for Christmas if I knew a dog would be there because it would be miserable.

I love dogs but dont want them in my house. I am very happy walking them for friends. My parents have a large rescue dog. She is very maintenance and can be unpredictable they would never bring her to my or anyone else's house as she is pain in the ass.

I think I'm right on the whole and that the rise of working from home has increased social anxiety in dogs as people forget they need to be left alone sometimes and self-settling is a skill to teach them as puppies. Along with house training, dog socialisation, not pulling on the lead too much, etc

Your situation is rather unusual with your neighbours.

No way would I have a dog in my house. He will have to make other plans if he’s not accepting of your answer.

Yes I think it is rude - why even ask? The default should be to assume no dog unless someone actively invites. Otherwise you are always putting the askee in an awkward situation of having to say no

I totally get it, dogs can be a pain in the house. It's your home so just tell him. The only thing is, I'd tell him asap, if his dog isn't good at being left he'll maybe want to book a sitter or walker and they will be in very short supply. Equally, you also have to realise he may say that this means he can't come - our dog would be absolutely fine if walked, to stay alone for 5 or 6 hours, he's very chilled, but lots of dogs aren't like that and if his only copes for an hour or two, then he won't be able to attend without it because of the travel time. So long as you understand that, then just tell him. I'd also think about whether you're happy to go visit him, or have someone else host, or for your parents to spend less time at yours in order to visit your brother, if he chooses not to come. Dogs are a real commitment (which is his choice) and it does definitely impact what you can do, particularly if the dog if an anxious one.

Indeed - the very real alternative is that the dog is a PITA, steals focus by constantly needing attention, and Christmas is spent my people commenting on what the dog is doing unable to have a proper conversation or finish a game. Exactly how I had to spend last Christmas after BIL rudely brought a dog along knowing full well we are not a dog family, and it was miserable

I have dogs, but would never expect anyone else to accommodate them in their home, especially when there are lots of other guests to consider at Christmas. You absolutely aren’t being unreasonable to tell your brother it isn’t really practical to have his dog there. All of the suggestions to bring the dog and leave it in the boot/garden/on a lead aren’t going to work in the real world, because all that’s going to happen is there will be pressure on the day from either your DB or parents to relax the rules, and you’ll feel like you have no other choice when it’s Christmas Day and you want to keep the peace.

Set the boundary, nicely, now and let the cards fall where they will. If your DB chooses not to attend then that’s his choice.

You must have a different relationship with your friends and family than I do with mine. My lot like each other.

Quite. Not sure why the hosts and all the other guests should reschedule Christmas lunch to accommodate the dog?

What does he normally do with the dog?