Don't want my brother's dog at Christmas

[Keepoffmyartichokes]

Every year we host Christmas for both families, it's always a lovely day but a bit chaotic. This year my brother who has to travel about 40 minutes but due to sharing custody of his children only stays about 3 hours wants to bring his cockapoo. We don't want the dog in our house, we don't have pets, we have nice flooring we don't want scratching, nice furniture that we don't want to dog jumping on. It's a spoiled dog and not very well trained. My DS who is 13 said he doesn't want it there as it's jumpy and he's not keen. My MIL has had a knee replacement this year and is a bit unsteady still and I think it will cause stress for her as a trip hazard. But how do I tell my brother kindly without coming across as a dog hater.

I have empathy towards others. But well done on characterising my whole personality in what you have read from my post 🙄. People are welcome to not leave their dogs at home if that’s what they want but people like the OP are also entitled to not have dogs in their house. My point is dogs and humans aren’t the same.

Hmmmm, in my family we all want to host!

If OP has asked others and has also researched and found that there's no dog friendly venues in a 20 mile radius that are open on Christmas Day, then you might have a point. However there's no indication that OP has considered this at all. She wants her Christmas her way, and doesn't care that she's excluding her brother and likely leaving him alone for Christmas dinner.

What's to stop OP simply relocating her Christmas (she can still do all the cooking etc if she wants) to her DPs dog friendly home? Everything exactly how it would be, with everyone doing exactly what they would have done, just in a different, dog friendly venue that wont leave anyone out? Seems the obvious solution to me.

But if the dog just barks and howls the whole time in the car then it does become OPs problem? Plus we could easily have freezing cold weather by then so the car would get very cold very quickly.

OP’s brother should have thought of that before getting a dog if a family Christmas is so important to him.

An alternative house venue isn’t going to work if her son is scared of a “jumpy” dog and there’s a frail MIL to also take into consideration - it is the people who won’t work with the dog, as much as the venue.

And as for the suggestion of the pub, that’s fine if the brother is paying the significant additional costs.

He may be fine to leave the dog, though. I haven’t seen any updates from OP at the time of writing this

Some people’s responses!!

just say no - you don’t want a pet in the house.

we’ve had this before and just stuck to our guns. They made arrangements and all fine. I’d hope they thought you’re more important than their dog. Even if he came for a couple of hours so he could get back.

Agreed.

@dontmalbeconme she is hosting at home. Likely won’t be charging people the £80 per head or whatever it is to go out to eat.
“hi all, we can’t host because of the dog, but found so and so pub and it’s £80 each, is that ok with everyone?”
You’re then asking people to pay £100s to eat out because of a dog.
Again, most answers will be no, especially if someone is frail and recovering from an op if I read correctly.
The problem isn’t the venue, the issue is with a dog.
Yes it’s nice to make an effort so others are not left out, but equally if you don’t want to be left out you also make an effort. The world doesn’t revolve around one man and his dog. This is a family event, so what works best for everyone.

This 100%. I actually do hate dogs so thankfully any family members with pets know their dog is 100% not welcome in my house at all. If he only lives 40 mins away then surely it's not that big an issue for the dog to be left at home for a few hours? Though I do understand that nowadays people are ridiculous about leaving their fur baby on its own🙄 I guess it depends which category your brother falls into

FFS, OPs brother isn't allowed to get a dog, so that OP can host Christmas in her home, rather than an alternative venue?

Its not remotely important that the Christmas celebration is held at OPs house. That is the easiest and most sensible thing to change.

OP doesn't have a home suitable for hosting everyone, so OP doesnt get to host!

No, he can get a dog if he wants to. He just needs to accept that he may be restricted in what he can do.

Edit: and it isn’t just the venue, it’s that the dog doesn’t work with a couple of people there. Should they also be uninvited because of the dog?

Why should everything be completely messed up over a fucking dog that lets face it could just stay on it's own for a few hours? It's so ridiculous that people think plans should be completely changed because of a dog🙄

Sigh. Once again, why doesnt OP relocate her meal to her DPs dog friendly house. Nothing at all needs to change but the venue.

So what you are saying is that the rest of the family has to make compromises because of a pet the brother owns.

Would you expect everyone with allergies to also comprise? Let’s say auntie x has pet hair allergy or uncle Alan has a phobia about dogs - do they have to stay away because someone has a pet?

He might not have the space or the inclination to host a lot of people. Not everyone has the capacity to host 8 plus people. Think you need to check your privilege

Because people who aren't arseholes don't make whole family Christmas dinner plans that exclude their sibling, leaving them by themselves on Christmas day.

People are getting too hung up on hating on the dog, and not concentrating on the fact that its horrible behaviour to deliberately exclude a sibling like this.

@dontmalbeconme sigh. The OP specifically said “I am not unkind at all and there is no one else with a house big enough to have all the family around”. So it sounds like it’s OPs house or nowhere for the family. They can have smaller groups in different houses but is anyone suggesting that and to be honest the day is planned, it’s just a dog possibly throwing a spanner in the works. OPs brother might come back with “no probs, dog can stay on its own for a bit”
Doesnt sound like DP have offered either…

Nobody is excluding the sibling though? Where does it say that?

the OP would just like him not to bring his dog.

Or some other dog friendly venue. Long dogwalk for her side of the family, whilst her DH stays with PIls due to Mils knee op. meeting up at a pub for a pint?

Meal out?

Family brunch (OPs side) at OP DPs house before ILs turn up. OPs DPs spend the day with her sibling so hes not alone?

I dont know, I'm sure thinking out of the box they could find a solution. But I sure as Hell would be ensuring that my sibling wasnt excluded.

And the son would still not want to be around the jumpy dog.

HE CANNOT COME WITHOUT THE DOG, SO IS BEING EXCLUDED.

Leave the son at home. He's 13. He can be left for a few hours.

(I am joking, obviously)

@dontmalbeconme a 13 can be left alone for a few hours but a dog can’t. Are dogs never left alone for a few hours. Also it’s Christmas Day.. you’re ok with a child being on his own for a few hours but not an adult? Poor kid.
Its not that he cannot come, that hasn’t been clarified yet. If he says he WON’T come then thats his decision.
Also is he looking for alternatives. A dog sitter for a few hours? Training the dog ready so it’s ok for a few hours.
Ive got 2 cats, no dogs allowed in my house. If someone is invited they’re not bringing a dog, whatever the circs.

Oh behave. Nowhere has OP said that he CANNOT come without the dog.

What if they don't want to be around dogs? And one doesn't need to be dog hater to not want to be in close contact with dogs. The frail relative with knee replacement would be vulnerable to the dog tripping in any venue, and the alternative venue would not have the benefits of being "at home" - more rooms so a chance to get a break, well known environment, mixing only with people from one's own family, lower costs.

Getting a pet and getting joined at a hip is a decision which is putting a pressure on everyone around. It is a self-excluding decision.

My dog smells of pinecones and patisserie.
She doesn't shed, or chew, or scratch.
She's much better behaved than most boy children, in my experience.
And much better company than most humans.