AIBU to want this type of Christmas this year?

[Shufflebumnessie]

I appreciate this is an AIBU but as it's Christmas related (in September) I'd probably get slated before anyone actually read the post, so thought I'd run it past people on the Christmas board!!

Since our eldest child was born we've spent pretty much every Christmas with both sets of Grandparents. The only exceptions were 2014 when I had to work Christmas Day (but we saw my In-Laws before Christmas and travelled to my parents on Boxing Day), 2020 (Covid) - we went to my In-Laws for Christmas Day as we live in the same County, my parents were in a Tier 4 area so no travel in or out was permitted & 2021 when all 4 of us came down with Covid 2 days before Christmas and we had to cancel plans. My In-Laws have missed a couple of other Christmas', either going away or choosing to spend it just the 2 of them at home.

My mum (my dad can't stand Christmas so he's not bothered), sees it as a personal slight if we even make the slightest mention that we might want to have Christmas as just the 4 of us (which the only time has ever happened was the year we all had Covid, so not the best Christmas as we felt so ill! Although I'm sure my mum thinks we caught it deliberately!). My parents live about 3 hours away so come for a few days over Christmas and tbh it's just not enjoyable. After last Christmas, both children asked if we could have Christmas with just the 4 of us this year. I love the idea of not having to go mad tidying the house, converting the study into bedroom, having guests for several days etc.

AIBU to think that, having spent 10 out of 13 Christmas Days with Grandparents, it's time we had a Christmas as just the 4 of us (DS is 13 & DD is 8 so all of the cute 'baby' Christmas' were spend with Grandparents)?

Btw, my In-Laws are very flexible and happy to do whatever suits us. We'll probably aim to see my parents for a weekend beforehand and go to my In-Laws the weekend after Christmas.
Sorry for the essay, it turned into a bit of a therapeutic rant!!

Of course yanbu wanting to spend it just you - do you have any siblings that could host them this year?

Enjoy your Christmas your way . It’s not fun traipsing all over the country seeing various people and kids would rather be in their own home playing with their presents .

Imo Christmas is the time to be selfish. It's your bloody Christmas too. Stop pleasing everyone else for once.
The relatives have had hwbor Christmases with their dc their way. Your turn now.
Stop feeling guilty!
Time to feel guilty the dc aren't enjoying their gifts...

Im similar would love to spend a Christmas at home but I think im going to meet somewhere in the middle this year and have Christmas day visiting but boxing day im locking the doors and where going to have a 2nd Christmas just for us.

If your children are asking for it as well then definitely!

We decided to do this and absolutely love it! Its chilled & we do it our way. Go for it and don't worry about what others think! They should be understanding! I know a time will come when my own children want to spend xmas, just them, as a family with their own kids! We will have to suck it up & do something as a couple.

Not unreasonable at all! Some families within my wider family have done this for a few years now- had their own family Christmas day as it’s less stress, far more relaxed, then we all spend time together at some point over the Christmas period. Christmas isn’t just about that one day and especially once there are no really little children I don’t see the difference between having a family christmas celebration on the 21st, 25th or 29th!

Yanbu, we are working out how to announce the same. I cannot wait for a lovely day with no stress with my little family. It will go down like a cup of cold sick though.

Have the Christmas you want. It probably will upset your DM but you are an adult and are allowed to change the way your family spend Christmas - especially if that’s what they are asking for.

I'm guessing your mum loves Christmas and is quite family orientated and since your dad isn't interested, the burden falls on you to make it special. I understand that but I also understand that sometimes you just need to do what's best for you and your family. Do you have any siblings your mum could spend Christmas with? Or friends or other family members.

I'd definitely tell her now that you just want a stress free Christmas this year and so they need to make other plans as you're not hosting. Its just been the 4 of us for years and we prefer it that way.

YANBU. Really glad to see everyone else is saying the same, my heart always sinks when someone chimes in saying you can't leave family out/"it could be their last Christmas etc".
I always take the view that it's the "youngest adults" generation (if that makes sense!) who should get to decide, then everyone gets a turn during their lifetime of deciding. Especially when you are working and/or have DC, Christmas Day is precious time and there's plenty of other time over and near the festive period to catch up with wider family!

Hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas the way you want it this year

You’re not being unreasonable at all, especially if the children are asking. It’s yours and their Christmas too! Give your family lots of notice to get used to the idea.

This! Great way of thinking. Christmas is about the children - not grandparents/adults/in laws! And why should you have to spend it with great aunt from your Dads side just because its xmas! Lol

OP I do bonus Xmas for my Dult DC and dgc. First weekend in December. I cook a turkey and all the trimmings. I give DGC their stockings and gifts for my DC. We go ice skating on the Friday Eveni g, to paint a pot on the Saturday morning then home for the roast Xmas dinner that DH switches on for us whilst we paint the pots (Xmas baubles) and I collected t 2 weeks later once they are back from firing. All 3 of my DC come and their partners and DGC.

We travelled before we had DC. As soon as DD1 was born, it was time for GPs to travel!

Stop trying to please your Mother, your own children have requested a Christmas as just them. Start now this year with plenty of time for your parents to plan to do at Christmas themselves.

You have said yourself "it's just not enjoyable" so stop doing it. Claim the Christmas you want, sort out seeing relatives on other days of December.

I am sure you have already visualised what a Christmas with just the 4 of you looks like. Plan that and make sure that happens. Promise the children now, as in tomorrow and then plan what you are saying to your Mum.

I spent every Xmas at my parents, (and my partner with his parents) well into my 40's. Then one year I was just too tired and run down to drive 5hrs (I was in London, them Cornwall), I just wanted to spend it with my own family. My mums reaction was to sulk and not talk to me for a couple of weeks! I stopped going after that as it turned out to be so relaxed it was up there as one of my best.

I recommend not going every single year, like I did because then people expect/demand it. You're an adult with own lovely family, have a lovely xmas just the four of you and enjoy every moment. You can always go see them in the NY.

Do it OP. You can choose to have your favourite meal, this might not be traditional Christmas dinner? Do as you please for once.

I would do it too! We have had similar we took turns with which parents we visited. Then Christmas 2019 it was just the two of us as DC1 was due 28th! Then 2020 was just the 3 of us as COVID. Then we travelled 2022 and 2023 and stayed home 2024 and that's how we're doing it going forwards. My parents don't mind and remember when they made that decision too but my in-laws are funny about it. Too bad idc 😂 (they aren't very nice anyway) I would tell them asap then you can feel the relief for longer. 😊😊

Yes of course! Tell them soon so they have time to get used to the idea. I would phrase it as being 'doing Christmas differently' and 'spreading out the family celebrations' and saying you'll come to them before the 25th. Many people do this and get used to it. Your kids deserve their choice of Christmas.

I think, if your children have requested it, you basically HAVE to have a quiet one your way. Why should the four of you do something you don't want to just to placate one other person? See them another day close to Christmas, have a relaxed time at home on the day. The people of Mumsnet give you permission!

We spent years rushing between relatives (once we drove several hours from my in-laws on Christmas morning and hosted Christmas that day at our house for my side, madness looking back on it). We now have small DC and I feel so selfish but I just want to wake up on Christmas morning in our own beds, have Santa fill the stockings on OUR mantle, get to provide a bit of the "Christmas magic" ourselves, and not being rushing around. My relationship with my in-laws has also become more difficult (it was never easy) since having DC and the idea of staying with them over Christmas this year just to placate my MIL makes me feel so anxious and abjectly miserable. Trying to pluck up the courage to have these conversations but dreading it.

YANBU and as a PP said, phrase it as a “let’s do x or y” rather than “we are not doing a or b”. So if you can face it- could they arrived Boxing Day or the 30th and stay for New Year? Make a new tradition? But YANBU at all.

Tell your parents you all want a change - we do one Christmas with my family the next with in-laws then one by ourselves and rotate every 3 years - everyone knows where they stand and we find the Christmas at home ‘recharges’ us for the Christmas’ at others. Decide what you want and tell them, you are adults now and have the rights to make your own Christmas traditions, you could even do 1 with family and 1 on your own to recharge every other year?

It’s not just your kids though - you dint really want them there either!
I dint believe ‘Christmas is for the children’ and your dint sound that young anyway. I live Christmas as much as my (20, 22) kids do which is just as well as I do most of the work (when my DH was alive he cooked the dinner).
Have the Christmas YOU want.

Go for it, just remember to be gracious and unclingy in 30 years when your kids want to spend Christmas with their families and you’re alone 🥰