AIBU to want this type of Christmas this year?

[Shufflebumnessie]

I appreciate this is an AIBU but as it's Christmas related (in September) I'd probably get slated before anyone actually read the post, so thought I'd run it past people on the Christmas board!!

Since our eldest child was born we've spent pretty much every Christmas with both sets of Grandparents. The only exceptions were 2014 when I had to work Christmas Day (but we saw my In-Laws before Christmas and travelled to my parents on Boxing Day), 2020 (Covid) - we went to my In-Laws for Christmas Day as we live in the same County, my parents were in a Tier 4 area so no travel in or out was permitted & 2021 when all 4 of us came down with Covid 2 days before Christmas and we had to cancel plans. My In-Laws have missed a couple of other Christmas', either going away or choosing to spend it just the 2 of them at home.

My mum (my dad can't stand Christmas so he's not bothered), sees it as a personal slight if we even make the slightest mention that we might want to have Christmas as just the 4 of us (which the only time has ever happened was the year we all had Covid, so not the best Christmas as we felt so ill! Although I'm sure my mum thinks we caught it deliberately!). My parents live about 3 hours away so come for a few days over Christmas and tbh it's just not enjoyable. After last Christmas, both children asked if we could have Christmas with just the 4 of us this year. I love the idea of not having to go mad tidying the house, converting the study into bedroom, having guests for several days etc.

AIBU to think that, having spent 10 out of 13 Christmas Days with Grandparents, it's time we had a Christmas as just the 4 of us (DS is 13 & DD is 8 so all of the cute 'baby' Christmas' were spend with Grandparents)?

Btw, my In-Laws are very flexible and happy to do whatever suits us. We'll probably aim to see my parents for a weekend beforehand and go to my In-Laws the weekend after Christmas.
Sorry for the essay, it turned into a bit of a therapeutic rant!!

Yours, your DH and your DC wants outweigh your mother’s. I don’t understand why you think they shouldn’t. Do what you want. She’ll have to be slighted.

Very reasonable, let them know in good time so they can make other plans.

This! Especially as they get older. and dont forget you haven't got that many xmas days left before they fly the nest and want to spend the day at their new GF or BF's house. So make your Christmas for them as enjoyable as you can.. and listen to what they want.

A Christmas with just the four of you is so relaxing.. I found we could go for a Christmas walk together and enjoy ourselves, instead of running around plating up food for fussy relatives and not spending enough time with our DC.

I would start getting your inlaws and parents to think of Christmas as a moveable feast spanning the whole of the festive season. and they can have one of those days. Don't get guilt tripped.

Sorry but if your children want Christmas as just the 4 of you then it's not negotiable. A second Christmas with the grandparents - absolutely, crack on. But Christmas Day this year is with the 4 of you.

We stopped doing this years ago… we can get up when we want, eat what we want, watch what we want and have absolutely no worries about upsetting anyone. Best thing we did even though we know the wider family are probably not that happy about it.

Just make sure you tell everyone who needs to know in good time and then do what you want to do.

Toxic MIL and we both worked ft , dd and ds. Went away abroad every year one they hit secondary school and omg it was the best ever choice we made .
still sent gifts etc and did meals out before but it made for some really happy times .
my parents were happy to see us before .

What kind of Christmases did you have as a child? Were they spent just with your parents or did they have guests/go visiting every year? The reason I ask was my exMiL always bleated on about how we had to visit/host her every year, until ex pointed out that they never had people staying or went visiting when he was a child and wanted the same for his DC. She had no comeback to that.

I need help on this subject too but haven’t read the thread yet.
my husband and I have been together 23+ years with a 24 year old son. We have NEVER had a Christmas the three of us my rude ungrateful spiteful mother emotionally blackmails me into having her at mine and she lives 3 hours away so comes for 10!days and it’s truly awful.
my brother ( he is nc with mum) wants us to go to him for this Xmas and I would love to but she has nobody else and I’d feel guilty
someone please advise me

I am now going to read the whole thread for any advice

YAdefinitelyNBU. Why should your DM always have the Christmas she wants at the expense of what everyone else wants?

Do it! My kids are 14 and 11, we've always been to the grandparents and we've said we're staying home this year, just the four of us. Both grandmas agreed last Christmas (one seemed relieved really) but they seem to have forgotten now and are asking when we're coming. We now run a business, we work til late on Christmas Eve, and no days off in the few weeks leading up to Christmas, we want it to be lazy and chilled and the DC agree.

We had us, paternal grandparents and my aunt and uncle. It would rotate over three years, with which house we met at, but it was always the whole family. So we did get xmas at home every three years, but our parents don't really want us to do that, so it's always been at their houses

Just say no. Then offer what you’ve said. Tbh they’ve been ‘lucky’ you’ve spent to many with them and not with your in laws. I think it’s more typical to alternate years.

you’re not responsible for your parents happiness. I have one dc and am fully prepared/ and expect that when she’s an adult and if she has a partner and dc ( even if she doesn’t) that she will not be spending it always with us. I fully intend to use that time to go somewhere far flung.

As a child growing up it was alway my parents who hosted with both sets of GPs (one set visiting for several weeks), my aunt and uncle and cousins and various single great aunts and uncles for the day (so 13-17 people) then my aunt hosted Hogmanay with all the same people (plus a few more!). As a child I loved it and found the Christmas period at PILs house very quiet with just them and DH's sibling and children, it was so different to what I was used to. Nowadays I am the host with crazy amounts of people staying, can't imagine leaving the older generation on their own and hope all of my children will consider their childfree aunts and uncles when they become the generation who host. Christmas is about family, you have all year to have holidays for just your nuclear family (I always delay my return to work in the New Year so I can have some chilled family time after our New Year party) and I feel like it's more important to consider your Mum than your children in this situation. Assuming she's not a bloody nightmare that you want to cut contact with (@Namechangedididittoo in your case it sounds like going to your DBs and not spending Christmas with your Mum might be good for you).

I must be just the worst mother, grandmother and - wait for it - great-grandmother ever. My idea of heaven is Christmas on my own. For more years than I can remember I cooked for anything between 15 and 5 people. I kept everyone happy all day (and boy was that exhausting!). I love my family dearly but the word “Christmas” makes my heart sink with the plans, the “who goes where” etc . Make a stand OP: believe me your mother will survive - she’ll probably sulk but she’ll live. Enjoy your own special Christmas with your children. Youve been given some great advice from kind and thoughtful people on what to say. But say it And say it now.

Your mother obviously has nobody else because she is a horrible person. Your brother doesn't feel guilty so why should you?

Ignore the emotional blackmail and tell her that you are going away this year. What is she going to do? She nasty to you when you are doing what she wants so she isn't even grateful, so start putting you and your family first.

you have every right to have the Christmas you want, no need to explain it to anyone

You're not being unreasonable at all it's only natural to want to spend some Christmases at home with you four to relax .
There is so much expectation at Christmas for some families.
Just do your thing mum will have to accept it.

This.

My husband and I are going on holiday for the first time ever just the two of us, when I told her last month she invited herself along and when I grew a backbone and said no the emotional blackmail started then when I ignored that she told me how selfish we were 😳

It’s quite sad that your children are asking to stay at home just you. Please do this or you are teaching them that their feeling don’t matter and you have to put others first. You don’t have many magical Christmases left

I'd contact them ASAP (so they can make other plans if they've been assuming Christmas Day at yours), invite them for whatever alternate dates you want, and make it clear that this is instead of not as well as Xmas Eve/Day. No reasons given, so no time wasting counterarguments. Just present it as what's happening; they can come another time or not.

I wouldn't tell your parents that after last Christmas, both children asked if we could have Christmas with just the 4 of us this year. If you'd been going to them and now wanted Christmas at home or if you were going away elsewhere, that would be be a different and easier message than the one you have to deliver: "we're having Christmas at home as usual but you're not invited". Like it or not, that's a message with a lot of cultural and personal baggage which runs the risk of coming across as rude and hurtful, especially when you already know that any change will not be well received by your mum. A 13/8 yo won't fully understand that, nor have an adult perspective on how important a relationship with their grandparents may feel to them long-term, so they need their parents to take responsibility and do any finessing and damage control. I'd keep the children completely out of it.

OP, we did exactly this last year and it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had.
Any year we host it ends up being carnage and we don’t get to spend time with dc.
if we go to in-laws, it’s nice but again it’s just making small talk and not actually relaxing and enjoy Christmas with dc.
im so glad we did it. We all had such a nice day and then felt happy to socialise the week between Christmas and new year.
god for it, you won’t regret not hosting!

My sons begged me to not have to celebrate with my extended family again. I worked up the courage to tell my sister and we all enjoy the holiday so much more.