AIBU to want this type of Christmas this year?

[Shufflebumnessie]

I appreciate this is an AIBU but as it's Christmas related (in September) I'd probably get slated before anyone actually read the post, so thought I'd run it past people on the Christmas board!!

Since our eldest child was born we've spent pretty much every Christmas with both sets of Grandparents. The only exceptions were 2014 when I had to work Christmas Day (but we saw my In-Laws before Christmas and travelled to my parents on Boxing Day), 2020 (Covid) - we went to my In-Laws for Christmas Day as we live in the same County, my parents were in a Tier 4 area so no travel in or out was permitted & 2021 when all 4 of us came down with Covid 2 days before Christmas and we had to cancel plans. My In-Laws have missed a couple of other Christmas', either going away or choosing to spend it just the 2 of them at home.

My mum (my dad can't stand Christmas so he's not bothered), sees it as a personal slight if we even make the slightest mention that we might want to have Christmas as just the 4 of us (which the only time has ever happened was the year we all had Covid, so not the best Christmas as we felt so ill! Although I'm sure my mum thinks we caught it deliberately!). My parents live about 3 hours away so come for a few days over Christmas and tbh it's just not enjoyable. After last Christmas, both children asked if we could have Christmas with just the 4 of us this year. I love the idea of not having to go mad tidying the house, converting the study into bedroom, having guests for several days etc.

AIBU to think that, having spent 10 out of 13 Christmas Days with Grandparents, it's time we had a Christmas as just the 4 of us (DS is 13 & DD is 8 so all of the cute 'baby' Christmas' were spend with Grandparents)?

Btw, my In-Laws are very flexible and happy to do whatever suits us. We'll probably aim to see my parents for a weekend beforehand and go to my In-Laws the weekend after Christmas.
Sorry for the essay, it turned into a bit of a therapeutic rant!!

I had this meltdown a couple of years ago, we have spent every single year with family for Christmas the whole (almost) 20 years we've been together. The only one we had home alone was 2020, and we loved it.
I also have a daughter born in 2014 and last year she got upset that she never got to have Christmas here and do what we wanted we always traveled to somehwere else or had our house full.
We asked for Christmas alone and it did not go down well at all. We did end up having Christmas day but had to travel and see everyone and basically do Christmas all again on boxing day.

One of my biggest regrets is not instigating a 3 yearly take turns when we had our daughter. She's now past the age where Christmas is as thrilling as the early years and I miss having those memories in our house.

My husband and I have also said that when our daughter is older and with her own family there will be no pressure to spend the day with us. We will travel to see her in the Christmas period but will add no pressure about the day at all. They would all obviously be welcome if that’s what she wanted but I'm very aware the stress Christmas plans have given me the past 10 years and I don't want to put that on her.

Well that is great if everyone has always taken that view. But quite often you will find that other generations have taken the view that the older generation should decide/be prioritised. And then you get a 45-60 yr old who has prioritised others for ages, is looking forward to ‘her turn’, and then is rather hurt when the younger generation ‘skip’ her and decide her wishes are not important.

in my view, if you have a relatively harmonious family then a ‘big family Christmas’ is lovely. In my experience these tend to be at grandparents houses as they are the largest. But which day they are actually held on can be flexible. And it can be less stressful for everyone to split things up slightly, so rather than one day with all the presents from everyone, and tons of food, you spread it out.

I think unless it is completely unavoidable, present givers should get to see the present receivers open their presents in person.

It’s pretty sad your parents are such rubbish company their own grandchildren would be happier if they weren’t there. Are they really dull or critical?

Our teens adore my parents who are great company and the teens would be gutted if they weren’t with us for Christmas. Guess your parents reap what they sow.

We spent every single Christmas on our own. We visited Grandparents during the week between Christmas day and New Year. My parents moaned at first but we were very clear what would happen going forward.

Not unreasonable at all. We said years ago that we will spending Christmas on our own. No other explanation needed. We’re they upset at first? Yes. Did they accept it and get over it? Yes. We’ve never regretted it. I enjoy Christmas more.

YANBU at all. We've always done similar (dc are now 20 and 17) and have also had only 2 Christmases as just the four of us. In our case though, we found it really boring and a huge anticlimax compared with a big family Christmas, so we're never doing it again if we can help it! But if that's what you want, you should do it!

I’m a bit on the fence with this and i think it depends what’s ‘normal’ for your family. If both sides of the family/GPs (when younger) have done ‘Christmas as a family day’ hosting you and making a fuss of older relatives then I wouldn’t want GPs to now find themselves home alone now it’s their turn to be looked after.

I think it’s good for the DC to take a bit of a role in showing care to their GPs, chatting with them, giving their time. “Family” doesn’t exist out of thin air, it’s more than a head count in a room, it’s about relationships, conversations, spending time.

However, if family members are hurtful, harmful, or haven’t spent the time cultivating these relationships etc then of course that’s different. I think we send a message to our kids in how we manage family relationships and that can include giving back by having relatives over even though it’s a faff, and it also includes having boundaries and saying no to people who are not good to be around.

I think it’s fine to want to be at home and do it your way but less okay to ban people from coming to you if they’re willing to accept those terms. It’s one day of the year, you can be alone the rest of the time.
I’m of the view that, as the middle generation, that day is about making as many of the older and younger generation happy as you can.
I don’t love it myself but we always make sure we have a couple of days (23 and 24th for us) where we really have a lovely time by ourselves and that’s really our Christmas and Christmas Day is more sucking it up.

We did it a few years back. The kids had fishcakes and beans for Christmas dinner. Dh and I had a chinese take-away. It was lovely, but with a hint of guilt.

Then the following year was covid and we couldn't see anyone.

Since then weve had family back on Christmas day but they don't stay with us. We've organised then an air bnb nearby.

Did your mum spend every single Christmas of her life with her own parents/in-laws?

I feel sad you've spent all those Christmases pleasing others and that it hasn't been enjoyable for you 😔

You most definitely deserve to have Christmases at home from now, and your children asking for it will give you the resolve to put your foot down.

I was very adamant about having just our little family Christmases after I had my first child in 2025. The very first Christmas was actually at family's because we were living with them, and I have spent most of the last few at my mums since my dad died in 2020. But that was my choice as I wanted to cook for mum and make sure she wasn't lonely, I wouldn't have coped if someone was insisting on being hosted or on hosting me.

Sometimes I feel guilty but then I remember that all of all of my Christmases were spent in our family home and just us, so my parents obviously had the same line of thinking.

If your mum has a partner in her life or any other family to visit then definitely put your foot down. It becomes a bit more complicated if she is completely alone, but even then I would explain the childrens wishes, and invite her over for (just) Boxing Day.

I would do anything to make sure I had Christmas the way I wanted it, even if that meant doing actual Christmas on Christmas eve. Though I would prefer the adults in my life to be flexible here, rather than having to move the whole of Christmas!

What will your mum’s Christmas look like if she doesn’t come to you? And how’s your relationship generally?

A good parent should encourage their children to do what's best for them and their young families, even if that means they're from the generation that "loses out".

Your mum wants it precisely because your Dad isn't fussed. She wants Christmas to be A Thing.

Do you have a sibling who can share the load? Would she think of going on holiday for the period?

Kids come first. Smile and do as you like and invite everyone round for a bring a plate buffet at New Year or beforehand.

Do want you and your children want for Christmas Day this year.

Maybe alternate Christmas next couple of years but don’t be pushed into not having Christmas with your children.

Just make it clear what your plans are/ wishes are - we plan to spend Christmas at home , we wish to visit you … and leave it at that

Yes! Came to say this!
Could you say it's what they want if she tries to guilt you, especially as it's true?

Make your plans known now so you can actually look forward to Christmas this year instead of dreading it for 4 months!

Traditions' imposed by someone are actually just their rules. Have a pre-Christmas Christmas weekend instead with them.

You are now a mother and have your children's Christmas wishes to make come true. Fab 4's first Christmas together!

The fact that you even have to ask that question tells me that your DM has done a very good job of guilt-tripping and gaslighting you over the years! Mine was just the same, everyone would run around doing what she wanted and get no acknowledgment, just criticism for doing everything wrong or emotional blackmail when she didn’t get her own way. Unfortunately there is no way to get through to someone like that as they have convinced themselves they are a blameless victim in everything, so just be firm and do your own thing.

Yes this is fine. Christmas comes round once a year and life is too short to spend it pleasing other people at your own expense.

OP, let your mother sulk. Tell her now that Christmas Day you’ll be in your own home, just the four of you.

Been married for 41 years, other than our first Christmas I have ‘done’ Christmas Day, with less and less parents. Few years ago I started inviting a couple who we have known for years as their children wouldn’t invite them. This year, no parents, other couple are going away, son lives with his gf. I thought fantastic, just the 2 of us. Late lunch, large baileys, fall asleep in front of the tv, wash up Boxing Day. Then son decided that it’s not Christmas if he and his gf are not here! I want to cry.

There’s definitely a social expectation that families spend Christmas together, but not everyone has enough room, and not every family is full of warm, outgoing relaxing family members. I love the idea of a lovely Christmas Day like something out of The Darling Buds of May but I can’t think of anything worse than Christmas with my family in a tiny living room that only has enough space for four or five people to sit on the sofas, so everyone else squished in, no conversation because they’re just not chatty people, no space for the kids to play with their presents and my mother complaining about the price of everything and listing what items of the Christmas dinner cost and how many shops she had to go to to get a ‘bargain’. It just wouldn’t be enjoyable.

YUNBU ..... go for whatever Christmas you want. I have spent YEARS doing Christmas days accommodating others. I'm exhausted from it!!

Ideally you'd do it exactly how you please, but given that they come to you, I can't quite picture the 'you're not invited' conversation.