AIBU to want this type of Christmas this year?

[Shufflebumnessie]

I appreciate this is an AIBU but as it's Christmas related (in September) I'd probably get slated before anyone actually read the post, so thought I'd run it past people on the Christmas board!!

Since our eldest child was born we've spent pretty much every Christmas with both sets of Grandparents. The only exceptions were 2014 when I had to work Christmas Day (but we saw my In-Laws before Christmas and travelled to my parents on Boxing Day), 2020 (Covid) - we went to my In-Laws for Christmas Day as we live in the same County, my parents were in a Tier 4 area so no travel in or out was permitted & 2021 when all 4 of us came down with Covid 2 days before Christmas and we had to cancel plans. My In-Laws have missed a couple of other Christmas', either going away or choosing to spend it just the 2 of them at home.

My mum (my dad can't stand Christmas so he's not bothered), sees it as a personal slight if we even make the slightest mention that we might want to have Christmas as just the 4 of us (which the only time has ever happened was the year we all had Covid, so not the best Christmas as we felt so ill! Although I'm sure my mum thinks we caught it deliberately!). My parents live about 3 hours away so come for a few days over Christmas and tbh it's just not enjoyable. After last Christmas, both children asked if we could have Christmas with just the 4 of us this year. I love the idea of not having to go mad tidying the house, converting the study into bedroom, having guests for several days etc.

AIBU to think that, having spent 10 out of 13 Christmas Days with Grandparents, it's time we had a Christmas as just the 4 of us (DS is 13 & DD is 8 so all of the cute 'baby' Christmas' were spend with Grandparents)?

Btw, my In-Laws are very flexible and happy to do whatever suits us. We'll probably aim to see my parents for a weekend beforehand and go to my In-Laws the weekend after Christmas.
Sorry for the essay, it turned into a bit of a therapeutic rant!!

Thank you all so much for the replies, advice and sharing your own experiences. I very much appreciate it.
Just to clarify some things that have been asked/raised by various posters, and to give a bit of extra/background information;
I'm an only child.
Growing up, every Christmas was just the 3 of us (parents & me). No relatives visiting, no travelling to relatives. It was exactly how my mum wanted it.
My mum isn't on her own, she is with my dad (but he's not a Christmas person!). They also live a couple of miles away from both my mum's brother & my dad's sister.
My parents live about 3 hours away. They generally stay for about 4 nights, arriving on Xmas Eve.
If they don't come to us this year, we'd drive to them for a weekend earlier in December. We'd probably see PIL on NYE/D.
My In-Laws come to us for Christmas every year too (although they are far more flexible and sometimes go away, or choose to spend it just the 2 of them at their home). My PIL honestly won't give it a second thought if we say we just want to spend it as a family of 4.
The children have a much better relationship with my PILs as they are far more hands-on and interested in the children.
I'm not suggesting this change for every year, but just for this one.
I'm fed up with feeling like I have to tiptoe around in my own house on Christmas morning as my parents don't get up until 10.30am (ish). The children are generally up at 5.30am and open stockings in our room, then downstairs to open main gifts. By the time my parents get up most of Christmas morning is over anyway!
They then want breakfast so are trying to get into the kitchen just as DH and I are trying to get the lunch underway.
My PIL arrive just before lunch.
The only time my parents and PILs see each other is on Christmas day so it can feel as bit strained as they don't have much in common, and the conversation often gets heavy - politics etc (& I'm always on edge as they have very differing view points and my dad can be quite vocal).
Last Boxing Day my mum switched off the Christmas film we had playing in the background and put a thoroughly depressing film on about WW2. We all asked her to change it back but she refused, even when the kids asked her. I know I should have been more forceful but it's hard when you're trying to keep the peace & not cause an atmosphere. The frustrating thing was the film was on Netflix so she could have watched it at home, at anytime.
When here (regardless of whether it's Christmas, or just a normal visit), my mum will sit on the sofa and read her book or paper, and my dad will go out for a walk or sit in the spare room on his IPad. It honestly makes me wonder why they bother to visit. There's very little interaction with the children.
A couple of years ago my mum was complaining how she never gets to do anything with the children (she's jealous that my PIL very kindly take us to the panto each year, they live much closer to us). So when my parents were visiting, I arranged for us all to go to a local Christmas event. My dad didn't want to come. Within 10 minutes of getting there, my mum announced she was popping to the Tesco across the road to look at the clothes (as her local store doesn't have clothing!!). She really didn't get it when I questioned why.
I get fed up with comments from my dad about why the children have so much for Christmas (we certainly don't go crazy, often shopped 2nd hand for toys when they were younger and he forgets they have 2 sets of grandparents and a very generous uncle). Anything more than a tiny token gift and a bar of chocolate is seen as excessive in his eyes (eyeroll!!).
From a selfish point of view, I'd just like a year where I don't have to take anyone else into consideration, other than my own children (&DH).
Sorry, that was a lot longer than anticipated.

Mate. Just tell your parents you're not doing it the usual way this year. If she argues, argue back. Sometimes the air just needs to be cleared. " You don't even spend actual time with us so why do you even bother coming?" I understand you won't want to rock the boat but sometimes it just needs to be done!

Op I was going to suggest a holiday house or something neutral so you arent doing the mad pre-christmas tidy but reading that update, No wonder kids want Christmas without them.

I just don't know how you tell them.
We want a quiet Christmas this year, no hosting so we are just having Christmas ourselves - you are welcome on x date?

So your mum clearly set quite firm boundaries with her wider family about wanting to have Christmas with just you and your dad when you were growing up, and she would now have an issue with you setting that same boundary? I would point out the utter hypocrisy of this OP.

This is a hill I’d die on. Why should you, and more importantly your kids, sacrifice the Christmas you want for people who make no effort. I’d not just say that I wanted a quiet Christmas this year, I’d say you were going to alternate having them all and a quiet one every year. Good luck!

It's great because you will reset expectations and not be tied to every year going forwards. Just be prepared for feeling a bit conflicted/guilty because there's this idealized image of wanting to be together that we subscribe to, but in actuality it means some people get hosted/have to travel/don't get things their way, while other people (usually a woman) have a great burden/full control/intense resentment. Happy days to anyone who manages it without this. We have had a year off hosting now and again and it has been wonderful.

What are you so afraid of?

You’re not a little kid and if your parents grumble and complain, just shrug your shoulders and repeat “that’s what we’ve decided this year”.

It’s a sticking plaster that you’re going to have to rip off and accept the consequences. Yes, there might be a smidgeon of pain initially but it will wear off quickly and you can all move on.

So what if your mum grumbles? If you start being much firmer with her about everything from now on, she’ll have to accept the new dynamic in your relationship where you speak to her as an independent adult and not as her dutiful daughter. She’ll have no choice!

I’m a granny and have had similar conversations with my pals but all of my granny pals are like your in-laws and have busy lives and don’t put any pressure on their adult children.

We used to spend every Christmas with my in-laws. Some years it was ok, others werent.. depending on who was coming etc.

2019 I made a commitment after my 2 young children being told to f**k off that we would spend it how we wanted and thats what we have done.

We have been away to Aviemore/Wales/Dubai.. We are spending it at home this year, doing Christmas carols on Xmas eve, seeing a close friend on boxing day (she finds Xmas hard) and we will do some little activities like Beamish etc over the festive period, day out to Edinburgh for markets if weather is ok etc.. maybe a murder mystery night.

Put your foot down and your parents may not like it but they will have to accept it

Yes it’s absolutely fine for you to have a Christmas to yourselves. Especially if your children have asked for it. None of your parents are on their own which would be a different matter.

We ended up spending every Christmas with the in-laws, seeing my parents (less bothered) a weekend near to Christmas. Both sets are several hours from us in different places so in laws would generally be at ours for 4 days at least. BIL/SIL would never offer (and lived 15 minutes from them!). Every few years we put our foot down and had Xmas day on our own (Covid was one!) which was lovely. Last time we still went to in laws on Boxing Day (BIL didn’t see them at all until after Xmas).

MIL now on her own and can’t travel - they did have her last year on Xmas day we went to her on Boxing Day. I‘m sure we’ll be expected to go for Xmas day this year even though prepping and serving Xmas dinner at hers would be very difficult.

So definitely grab a few Christmas‘s to yourselves while you can!

YANBU. Have Christmas your way. Just tell them on the Day it’s going to be the four of you this year, and arrange to see people before and after. Be nice about it, but be firm. Why people put themselves through this angst always defeats me - be nice, but just say no if you don’t want people staying!

This is what we do now. It's lovely. Surprisingly after covid the mil was more accepting of it. It's no fun feeling beholden to having to visit every year on the actual day. My children want to stay in their pj's all day and play with toys.

I think if your children have asked for it you have to do it. You only get so many with your children so make sure you all enjoy them 🎄

It might soften the blow if you were to go away this year vs just saying they aren't wanted, or planning to see them a different weekend near Christmas if that's something you'd like to do?

You could do a nice Christmas buffet, which is much easier and less stressful with a big group. Christmas Dinner creates such stress, people start planning it months before and arguing on the day, and then it's all finished in 20 minutes! Madness

Tell them, don’t ask them and then if they argue back don’t get into any of the details that you have shared. Just state you have decided as a family to have a cosy, chilled Christmas. That’s that 😀 It sounds like it will be a wonderful change.