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Original poster

Already arguing about Christmas 2025?!

98 replies

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:24

Just having a rant really... can't believe this has been a topic of conversation in the family already!

Myself, DH & DS have spent the last two Christmas' having dinner at MIL and been to my side of the family in the morning. Both our mums are without partners and on their own at Christmas.

I reluctantly agreed with DH to go again this year but insisted that next year, Christmas would very much be on my terms (at last!) It really upsets me that my own mum is having dinner alone (she says she doesn't mind but it breaks my heart.) I leave dinner early and my mum comes back to mine to see DS on the evening.

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. DH assures me we won't but I'm already stressing that this will cause arguments as she can be a little emotionally manipulative (I'm not a MIL hater) but I can't believe it's even been mentioned!

Next Christmas we hope to have moved into a larger house with a new baby (if we're fortunate enough to conceive again) so my plan is to stay home and everyone is welcome to drop in. How do I gently but confidently go about stating this!? Again... it's a whole year away!

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 26/12/2024 19:26

I think hosting at your home and inviting both mothers seems the way to get,
provided they get on? Sounds from your travel plans that neither live too far away from you to make that a possibility?

DumplingsMakeMeSmile · 26/12/2024 19:26

Yes just invite both mums to you. Not sure why you didn't do it this year as it seems the obvious solution. No way would I leave my mum on her own amd wouldn't expect DH to either.

Original poster
Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:27

That's exactly what I did this year! MIL made an excuse (said she had to cook for her mum and dad) - who I also obviously invited!
I can't win!

OP posts:
WickedlyCharmed · 26/12/2024 19:28

You just tell your DH that you and the children will be staying at home and your mum is coming over. You tell him his mum is also welcome, but if she doesn’t want to come over or can’t come over on Christmas Day for whatever reason, then you’ll all see her on Boxing Day instead.

The end.

2025willbemytime · 26/12/2024 19:29

Fuck with the gentle shit. I had years bloody years of shitty cold Christmas dinners at in laws. I told dh I'd had enough and wanted to cook decent food. Bliss.

tell your dh exactly what you want to happen and tell him he makes it happen or else you'll do what you want anyway and he can go to his mothers.

WilfredsPies · 26/12/2024 20:33

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. ‘Oooh no MiL, didn’t DH tell you? We’re hoping to be in a new house by next Christmas, so we decided that we’ll be having Christmas at home, and anyone who wants to spend the day with us is more than welcome, but if not, they’ll just have to fit in around our plans either before or after Christmas Day. We’re really looking forward to it, so we’ll really hope you can make it.’ Job done.

itsgettingweird · 26/12/2024 20:47

I was going to suggest your way as I was reading so I think that's absolutely the way to go - every year!

You aren't carting children around. They get to play in their own environment with their new toys and each parent can actually spend longer with you as you don't need to split the day.

MIL doesn't have to come if she choices to be awkward about it!

toomanycards · 26/12/2024 23:39

Just say to MIL you are hosting next year -
End of.

We have also had conversations about next years dinner- conversations yesterday- 365 days ahead of the day.
We went to dh's parents and they got really stressed cooking, burnt the parsnips (I prefer them darker!) and argued.
DH later said it was a shit dinner and next year he's doing it which will mean it's us arguing fgs.

ribiera · 26/12/2024 23:48

WilfredsPies · 26/12/2024 20:33

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. ‘Oooh no MiL, didn’t DH tell you? We’re hoping to be in a new house by next Christmas, so we decided that we’ll be having Christmas at home, and anyone who wants to spend the day with us is more than welcome, but if not, they’ll just have to fit in around our plans either before or after Christmas Day. We’re really looking forward to it, so we’ll really hope you can make it.’ Job done.

Say this. Practice it in the mirror.

XiCi · 27/12/2024 00:20

Hell would freeze over before I let my mum sit and have Christmas dinner alone. I can't even conceive of that. Ideal option would be to host both in your own house. Other than that, I would either eat with both at a restaurant or I would eat at my mums, DH at his then meet at-home later on. There is no need for anyone to eat alone. Is there any reason why your mil didn't invite your mum to hers? My mil 100% would have invited my mum.

theduchessofspork · 27/12/2024 00:25

Just tell them both now you are hosting them both next year, end of.

Madness to do anything else

GCAcademic · 27/12/2024 00:26

Your mistake was agreeing to go to your MIL again this year, rather than alternating. This is what happens when you give an inch.

Enko · 27/12/2024 00:30

We are staying at home. Time for our children to get their christmas memories at home. You are all very welcome happy to host.

Mil can't due to x and y..
Oh what a shame .. well you are welcome if you change your mind.

Mil guilt on dh
You are very welcome as you know so just say you are coming.

Repeat repeat repeat.. no arguments no justifying bar that first.one about your children's memories being at home. The. Just deflect and repeat the invite. Mil will get used to it. May not like it but will get used to it.

Ponderingwindow · 27/12/2024 01:12

I’m lucky in that DH and I are in agreement that things are changing next year. We had a quiet chat with MIL last night, who has long taken on too much of the work. She is on board, but she won’t fight the battle. So now we are figuring out how to convince the rest of the family that we are taking over. It’s going to be very difficult and they are going to try to steamroll her into hosting.

Weenurse · 27/12/2024 01:27

@Ponderingwindow i suggest inviting MIL to stay Christmas Eve next year and present this to her and family as passing the baton to the next generation. She will be on hand to advise re favourite family recipes but you and DH can do a few of your own as well.
@Anonymous75 I would do as others have suggested and just put it out there now that you are having Christmas at yours next year and everyone is welcome. Also, if you do move to a bigger house, have DM stay Christmas Eve so she can help/ enjoy the children.
This advice comes from spending my first Christmas without DM, enjoy your time together on your own terms, life is too short to be dictated to by others.

DecoratingDiva · 29/12/2024 09:18

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:27

That's exactly what I did this year! MIL made an excuse (said she had to cook for her mum and dad) - who I also obviously invited!
I can't win!

She’s hardly on her own at Christmas if her own parents are still alive and she is cooking for them.

Lickityspit · 29/12/2024 09:22

XiCi · 27/12/2024 00:20

Hell would freeze over before I let my mum sit and have Christmas dinner alone. I can't even conceive of that. Ideal option would be to host both in your own house. Other than that, I would either eat with both at a restaurant or I would eat at my mums, DH at his then meet at-home later on. There is no need for anyone to eat alone. Is there any reason why your mil didn't invite your mum to hers? My mil 100% would have invited my mum.

100% this. I’d never leave my mum on her own on Christmas Day.

boredoflaundry · 29/12/2024 09:25

Either make it clear your mum needs to be invited to MIL’s house or make a point about having it at yours.

May this stage is being saying to MIL “that’s a year away, who knows what the next year will hold” (unless you’re telling everyone you’re try to conceive!).

MIL may feel like her purpose is to cook Xmas dinner …. If you’ve got a new baby it might be useful if she did that in your house!

TBH I can’t believe you, your DH & your MIL have all accepted leaving your mum alone and uninvited two years in a row! … I’d be making that point now, rather than making firm plans.

Lostinmusic22 · 29/12/2024 09:31

‘Mil we will be spending next Christmas with my mum given she has spent the last two by herself. We can see you on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or early December which one is best for you?’

Anoisagusaris · 29/12/2024 09:34

Why did you not insist on having dinner with your mum this year? No one forced you to spend it at your MILs. You chose to. You would have been entirely reasonable to have said it was your mum’s turn this year.

Gardenbird123 · 29/12/2024 09:35

Be very firm that from now on it's alternate arrangements, which is the only fair way. Whatever is said, say that applies to your mum too. Good luck x

Hellokelly · 29/12/2024 09:42

THIS.

I'm honestly so sad for OP's mum, how upsetting that she's had not one, but two Christmas dinners alone. My husband's GRANDPARENTS invite my parents, nephews you name it over regularly and even get them them their turkey every year (and I could probably count on one hand the amount of times they've actually met!!)

WhatK8DidNext · 29/12/2024 09:44

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:27

That's exactly what I did this year! MIL made an excuse (said she had to cook for her mum and dad) - who I also obviously invited!
I can't win!

So she wasn’t actually on her own, she had her parents, and your mum was completely by herself? Absolutely not okay. I don’t actually understand how that has happened two years in a row.

Just say no, that you refuse to leave your mum on her own… then show her how it should have been by inviting everyone one to yours (if that’s what you want). She absolutely could have invited your mum the last couple of years, does she have no awareness that she’s being incredibly selfish?

Wilfrida1 · 29/12/2024 09:44

We had years and years of fitting in with everyone else’s expectations of us at Christmas. In the end we said Christmas is at ours, you can come and spend the day/stay if you would like to. That worked better.

Our first Christmas on our own was after 40 years 😱 and was heaven! We have told our offspring they must do WHATEVER THEY LIKE for Christmas, there will be no pressure from us. Even though our only grandchild is local, we aren’t seeing him till the New Year, what with all of us having our own things going on. And that is absolutely fine. We aren’t holding our children hostage as we were.

Don’t delay having the Christmas YOU would like.

Serendipity0812 · 29/12/2024 09:47

As others have said, hell would freeze over before I left my Mum to eat alone. Your MIL is being extremely selfish. Why didn’t your MIL invite your Mum over this year? Agree that you hosting next year is the best option. If this isn’t an option due to space etc and MIL won’t accommodate your Mum then I would have Christmas at your Mums and your DH can go to his. It breaks my heart to think of your Mum alone so I know it must have been difficult for you too. Stay firm and good luck!