Already arguing about Christmas 2025?!

[Anonymous75]

Just having a rant really... can't believe this has been a topic of conversation in the family already!

Myself, DH & DS have spent the last two Christmas' having dinner at MIL and been to my side of the family in the morning. Both our mums are without partners and on their own at Christmas.

I reluctantly agreed with DH to go again this year but insisted that next year, Christmas would very much be on my terms (at last!) It really upsets me that my own mum is having dinner alone (she says she doesn't mind but it breaks my heart.) I leave dinner early and my mum comes back to mine to see DS on the evening.

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. DH assures me we won't but I'm already stressing that this will cause arguments as she can be a little emotionally manipulative (I'm not a MIL hater) but I can't believe it's even been mentioned!

Next Christmas we hope to have moved into a larger house with a new baby (if we're fortunate enough to conceive again) so my plan is to stay home and everyone is welcome to drop in. How do I gently but confidently go about stating this!? Again... it's a whole year away!

Your MIL is very manipulative so stop all this ‘gentle’ crap. You pandered to her again this year (your poor Mum). She is not alone she has her parents!

You say you are hosting at your house next year and everyone is welcome. Don’t entertain any other possibility- your DH needs to support this. She will try and try. Each time reply with ‘no, we’ll be at home you and your parents are welcome’.

I don’t understand how this year happened. I don’t understand how you all went to hers when she had her parents and left your Mum alone. I fear it was your DH? And maybe you need to start being more assertive.

Oh and she sounds exactly like my MiL even down to the jealousy over grandchildren (I mean wtf?) we’ve had emotional manipulation over Christmas every year. You have to be firm with her. Expect tears and manipulation..

This is tricky but you have every right to do what is not only best for you but also for your extended family.

I would send a "Thank You" card to both sets of parents and grandparents as applicable and say thank you for seeing us Christmas Day or thanks for the lovely presents. Add in some photos of you together if you have them (keep it upbeat). Then add that for Christmas 2025, you are hosting Christmas at yours to begin Christmas memories in your own home and we would love you to join us! We would like all our closest family members to share our special day.

Both you, your husband and kids sign it (with lots of love) and post it. Send the same invitation to all concerned so that your Mum, MIL and Grandparents, know they are invited and there is no misunderstanding. Make sure your husband stands his ground.

Set your boundaries now and don't back down, if MIL tries emotional blackmail next Christmas, tell her it is all arranged but if she feels she can't join you, you understand.

Managing Christmas expectations at Christmas is a minefield.

I would never ever leave my Mum alone on Christmas Day. I cannot believe that your MIL did not invite your Mum. My IL’s always invited my parents for Christmas Dinner if they were hosting.

The fact that the MIL didn’t invite OP’s Mum despite knowing she would be alone (and it wasn’t her turn either) says a lot about what type of woman OP is dealing with here. Hence the need to be very firm with her.

She engineered the whole situation. Of course they could have all had Christmas together at the OP’s. OP even invited MIL’s parents. But no that wasn’t acceptable to MIL.

I can’t understand why, at this point, you don’t say-right, you can’t come to us as you are going to be with your parents on Christmas Day, so we will have my mum come to us as she will otherwise be alone’

I don’t get it?

I don’t get that either. I don’t understand how you ended up at MILs again this year when she was never going to be alone. You could have easily have had your Mum over.

Can you mum not also go to your MIL for dinner if she’s on her own?

She truly sounds a delight.

Your DH needs to stop pussy footing around, man up and stand up to her silliness.

Just send a heads-up that everyone will be invited for Christmas at yours next year?

This. Keep repeating the same thing and chill out .

I can’t believe you left your mother alone in these circumstances and that MIL didn’t invite her.

Next year, host and if mil suggests otherwise then point out you are staying home, your mum has been invited and is coming and if the options are to accept or decline the invitation. (And invite the elderly grandparents)

Hell would freeze over before I let mu Mother spend christmas day alone.

If you host and invite both then no one is left on their own, surely this makes sense all round?

How ridiculous that you would leave your mum on her own. Have dinner with her, and your husband can have dinner with his mum if he finds it impossible to say no, or God forbid, all come together to eat. How would your MIL like to be left completely alone to eat her dinner?! Your poor mum 😔 Set boundaries and prioritize your own mother. Does it really matter if u and husband don't eat together? U do it every day of the year presumably!! So say to him, u do urs, I'll do mine.

Wow this makes me so sad for you. One more person at Christmas is just one more person. At Christmas either I or my mum hosts and DH mum just comes too. Sometimes DMIL friend who is also a widow comes along too. Older people tend not to eat too much. It is sad your DMIL doesn’t include your DM. Hopefully things will get easier.

Stuck to your guns OP and also invite them to your home next Christmas. As for your MIL insisting already just say you can’t cope with conversations about next Christmas this soon. Then change to subject.

this!

YOU left your dm alone 2 years in a row and are trying to lay the blame at your MIL feet no is a full sentence , you're an awful daughter your mil wasn't alone was she she had her parents while your poor mother was sat completely alone all day ! She may say it's OK but I guarantee she was devastated to be left alone AGAIN!
You are leading by example don't be surprised when you are your mother sat alone and forgotten about by your adult children

The sooner you tell people you are having Xmas at yours and people are invited, the longer they have to get used to the idea.

MIL doesn't even have to decide until the day. There's always leftovers with an Xmas dinner, one person not coming won't make a difference.

So even if she tries to play "I don't know what to do" games. Just say "we are eating at x time, there will be plenty of food if you decide to come, there's no pressure from us either way."

Could you not invite your husband's grandparents too? They might enjoy the kids company for a couple of hours at Xmas.

I was thinking the same. My in-laws invited my dad one year.

Totally nasty and uncalled for comment.

However, I agree there are solutions to this and the OP can easily find them if the bigger house and therefore hosting at home doesn't happen.

Late to the thread but I don't know how you could've left your mum alone. You had a choice in this too. Bloody sad 😥