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Original poster

Already arguing about Christmas 2025?!

98 replies

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:24

Just having a rant really... can't believe this has been a topic of conversation in the family already!

Myself, DH & DS have spent the last two Christmas' having dinner at MIL and been to my side of the family in the morning. Both our mums are without partners and on their own at Christmas.

I reluctantly agreed with DH to go again this year but insisted that next year, Christmas would very much be on my terms (at last!) It really upsets me that my own mum is having dinner alone (she says she doesn't mind but it breaks my heart.) I leave dinner early and my mum comes back to mine to see DS on the evening.

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. DH assures me we won't but I'm already stressing that this will cause arguments as she can be a little emotionally manipulative (I'm not a MIL hater) but I can't believe it's even been mentioned!

Next Christmas we hope to have moved into a larger house with a new baby (if we're fortunate enough to conceive again) so my plan is to stay home and everyone is welcome to drop in. How do I gently but confidently go about stating this!? Again... it's a whole year away!

OP posts:
OolongTeaDrinker · 29/12/2024 11:02

Did your MIL spend every christmas with her MIL? If not why is she expecting you to do the same.Your poor mum btw, so sad she has been on her own, and your MIL knows this and still didn't invite her, but also you should have insisted.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/12/2024 11:05

It is quite sad when going to someone for Christmas is seen as an obligation to be endured .

Your MIL thinking about next year though ! She must think that everything went so well that she wants to repeat or there are things she wants to do differently so wants a chance to re-do.

Next year you might have a new house - hopefully you'll be settled but you could be up to your gills in plasterboard and waiting for a new kitchen to be fitted

If you have a new baby or are very pregnant you might want to go elsewhere and be hosted

Ignore your MIL , mutter under your breath it;'s a whole YEAR away

Does MIL do a special meal for Easter ?

Thursday5pmisginoclock · 29/12/2024 11:05

Since my dad was widowed my SIL (bro wife) always invited him to be part of Christmas with her parents if I wasn’t around to be with him. In fact I have spent Xmas day with her parents too after being alone after divorce. We have melded the families and it means no one alone or GC missing out. Enforce it! No one should be alone at Xmas.

WhatK8DidNext · 29/12/2024 11:07

I think you have all behaved awfully and actually you also need to take on some of the responsibility for leaving your mum on her own for two years running.

How could you all do it?? You owe your Mum a massive apology and need to treat her better.

Eyresandgraces · 29/12/2024 11:07

Anonymous75 · 29/12/2024 10:24

Thank you for replies! I've told DH to deal with the fall out if it comes up again already.
You are all so right about deserving to have a Christmas my own way- I really want to start our own family traditions!

Lots of comments on why MIL didn't invite my mom! I think she's frightened that DS will ignore her in favour of my mum. (He sees MIL slightly more due to her being retired but seems to have a preference for my mum that I've not actively encouraged.) She gets very jealous when my mom sees him- DH often lies and says she's hasn't (ridiculous!)

I've made it very clear to DH that I will not be leaving my own home next Christmas or any other, unless it suits us.

This jealousy baffles me.
My little dgs adores his other gran and so he should she has him once a week.
Dh and I are older and dont see the dgc as much so we absolutely want them to love dd's inlaws.
Dd's inlaws are wonderful and dd is lucky to have them.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/12/2024 11:08

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:27

That's exactly what I did this year! MIL made an excuse (said she had to cook for her mum and dad) - who I also obviously invited!
I can't win!

I don’t understand the issue.

MIL can choose - she can stay in her house and cook for her mum and dad or they can come to yours?

It just sounds like MIL is difficult, you need to not let it control you.

Heronwatcher · 29/12/2024 11:08

Be polite but very very firm. Your mum is coming to you. In this house or a new one. Your MIL and his wider family are also welcome to come to you. If that’s not possible he can go to your MIL’s and then join you back at home for tea. Do not deviate from this in any way.

Pearl97 · 29/12/2024 11:10

no food or drink is being bought yet, so I won’t entertain discussing Christmas 2025. No one knows who will even be here then!

I say know what you’re doing and let others think they know what you’re doing!

RosesAndHellebores · 29/12/2024 11:19

I cannot get over the fact that your MIL is not alone, had her parents, and you allowed your mum to spend Christmas lunch alone. There were three options available to you. You could have invited your mum for Christmas at yours, your MIL could have invited her, or you could have gone to your mums. You had agency over this and chose to leave your mother alone and are blaming it on your MIL. I am beyond words.

Let me fast forward you three decades or more @Anonymous75. Last year and this year, DH and I spent Christmas 340 Miles apart. Our mothers are 88 and increasingly frail. We would never, ever allow one of them to be alone at Christmas. Our DC are falling in. DS and DIL were overseas this year with DIL's family, DD came to mother's with me rather than spend it with her future DH and family. Let me explain why the DC are falling in so willingly. They, as do we, know that when DH and I spend Christmas together again, it will mean one of their grandma's has died.

Now go to the mirror and give yourself a good talking to and have a long hard think about your mother's feelings and the example you are providing to your children for Christmases to come. They will grow up thinking ot's OK to leave their mum alone at Christmas. You will reap what you sow and in 30 years will be on here complaining about yiur children and how it hurts you that they don't include you in plans for Christmas.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 29/12/2024 11:21

OP, do your MIL is not alone!

In a new house, with kids, stay put, invite your Mums.

Start talking about that as the default, calmly, from now on.

How much you are looking forward to hosting / welcoming everyone, Dc staying playing with their toys. Etc.

Xsxjxmx · 29/12/2024 11:21

Tell them both now, you are staying home and would like to invite them both for the day. End of. No ifs or buts

MaloryJingleJones · 29/12/2024 11:23

WickedlyCharmed · 26/12/2024 19:28

You just tell your DH that you and the children will be staying at home and your mum is coming over. You tell him his mum is also welcome, but if she doesn’t want to come over or can’t come over on Christmas Day for whatever reason, then you’ll all see her on Boxing Day instead.

The end.

This is perfect

MaloryJingleJones · 29/12/2024 11:27

We used to have Christmas Dinner at Home, every Year. Nan would join us until around 8.00 then head down the hill home.
Christmas Mornings Me and my Dad would drive to visit his sister and then to my Grandads and Nans , where a sister who moved away in the 60s, would always be visiting .. then Home.
It suited everybody because where Grandad and Nan lived they had a small table in the kitchen of their flat , and the 4 of them (my Dad's cousin also lived there) could fit nicely round that.
YANBU, OP, at all.

BlueSkies1981 · 29/12/2024 11:31

Anonymous75 · 26/12/2024 19:27

That's exactly what I did this year! MIL made an excuse (said she had to cook for her mum and dad) - who I also obviously invited!
I can't win!

So if her parents are joining her then she wouldn’t be on her own?!

this is such a tricky one though… I am single and my daughter and I always spend the day with my mum. This year my brother and SIL came for the day too. I have never spent the day with my dad and step mum and I have been thinking about how I can broach it. My mum would probably not ever forgive me though!

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 29/12/2024 11:31

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. DH assures me we won't but I'm already stressing that this will cause arguments

This was his cue to say “Anonymous75’s Mums turn next year Mum, or if we are in our new house maybe we’ll invite you there!”.

He can assure and assure for the next 359 days but unless he takes action and is direct with his Mum his assurances are meaningless.

Don’t let his lack of a spine leave your Mum alone and you upset. Cowardice is selfish.

Pherian · 29/12/2024 11:33

You don’t - your husband needs to tell his mother you guys will be hosting Christmas next and going forward . He can explain your plans for 2025. Then if his mother doesn’t like it, he can deal with that too.

Trainors · 29/12/2024 11:36

I don’t have many things that I insist on but since they’ve been old enough to remember I want my kids to wake up in their own beds, do the present opening, games and Christmas dinner at home and stay home all day. We are a busy family with 3 kids so we don’t often spend the time together just chilling out and being together. Grandparents are always welcome to join. DH’s Brother and SIL are keen to have a big family gathering for Christmas Day one year but as much as we love them and their kids it would make the day into something else entirely. I’m happy to do this on Boxing Day or literally any other day. They seem to have accepted this but I do get SIL bringing it up every now and then. It’s always a ‘no thanks, we like to just enjoy spending time with the kids and having a chilled day on Christmas Day.’

waterrat · 29/12/2024 11:37

why didn't your mum come to your MILs? that is what happens in our family.

I think you should not give this a seconds thought except to regret letting your mum be alone!

andthat · 29/12/2024 11:38

RosesAndHellebores · 29/12/2024 11:19

I cannot get over the fact that your MIL is not alone, had her parents, and you allowed your mum to spend Christmas lunch alone. There were three options available to you. You could have invited your mum for Christmas at yours, your MIL could have invited her, or you could have gone to your mums. You had agency over this and chose to leave your mother alone and are blaming it on your MIL. I am beyond words.

Let me fast forward you three decades or more @Anonymous75. Last year and this year, DH and I spent Christmas 340 Miles apart. Our mothers are 88 and increasingly frail. We would never, ever allow one of them to be alone at Christmas. Our DC are falling in. DS and DIL were overseas this year with DIL's family, DD came to mother's with me rather than spend it with her future DH and family. Let me explain why the DC are falling in so willingly. They, as do we, know that when DH and I spend Christmas together again, it will mean one of their grandma's has died.

Now go to the mirror and give yourself a good talking to and have a long hard think about your mother's feelings and the example you are providing to your children for Christmases to come. They will grow up thinking ot's OK to leave their mum alone at Christmas. You will reap what you sow and in 30 years will be on here complaining about yiur children and how it hurts you that they don't include you in plans for Christmas.

Edited

@RosesAndHellebores this is an excellent post. Long may you spend Christmas separately from your DH!

@Anonymous75 unless there is a good reason to be low or no contact with your mum… which doesn’t seem to the the case here… then why would you allow her to be alone when there were other alternatives? This is on you. You need to practice asserting yourself!

TwinkleLights24 · 29/12/2024 11:38

Put your foot down and refuse. Your mum can’t be left alone every year.

Cynic17 · 29/12/2024 11:41

Just do what you want, OP. Your mum is happy solo, so leave her be (there is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone at Christmas).
Have you not read some of the threads on here? It's ridiculous. Christmas is just one day, so don't waste your time stressing about it.

Motheranddaughter · 29/12/2024 11:41

My Mum is a widow
We have done various things over the years but never did they involve leaving my Mum on her own
Tell you MIL it's at your house next year and do not deviate fr

Motheranddaughter · 29/12/2024 11:42

from that x

pizzaHeart · 29/12/2024 11:46

To be honest I would shut these conversations about next Christmas straight away. It’s 361 days until next Christmas so I would say: No, no, no we are not planning anything now especially as we are hoping to meet Christmas in a new house next year. And then don’t engage

Obimumkinobi · 29/12/2024 12:15

Sorry, OP but I'm another poster horrified that you let your Mum be on her own for 2 (or any) years. Your MIL & husband don't sound pleasant people but at the end of the day, as an adult, this is a "you" problem.