Already arguing about Christmas 2025?!

[Anonymous75]

Just having a rant really... can't believe this has been a topic of conversation in the family already!

Myself, DH & DS have spent the last two Christmas' having dinner at MIL and been to my side of the family in the morning. Both our mums are without partners and on their own at Christmas.

I reluctantly agreed with DH to go again this year but insisted that next year, Christmas would very much be on my terms (at last!) It really upsets me that my own mum is having dinner alone (she says she doesn't mind but it breaks my heart.) I leave dinner early and my mum comes back to mine to see DS on the evening.

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year. DH assures me we won't but I'm already stressing that this will cause arguments as she can be a little emotionally manipulative (I'm not a MIL hater) but I can't believe it's even been mentioned!

Next Christmas we hope to have moved into a larger house with a new baby (if we're fortunate enough to conceive again) so my plan is to stay home and everyone is welcome to drop in. How do I gently but confidently go about stating this!? Again... it's a whole year away!

Any time it comes up dh should say "it is our turn at anonymous75's mum's next yr"

It is either turns each with parents, everyone at yours or prioritise your own mum as she is alone. Absolutely ridiculous mil thinks every year at hers is acceptable. I am surprised she didnt invite your mum along.

Well then she’s not on her own is she. Not a cat in hells chance would I leave my own mother on her own to spend time with someone who had other company. What on earth were you thinking?

Say exactly that.. ill do Christmas here and you're very welcome to join us

Why on earth are you wanting to have a baby with a man who clearly dosnt care for your own mother and happily leaves her alone at Christmas. This is ridiculous. He's not a good partner if he detests your own family. Why are you setting standards so low and then surprised you have to fight a battle? I'd be absolutely disgusted in a partner who felt that was ok. All attraction gone in a second. You've played a major role in this appalling treatment of your own mother by allowing it.

Can't they both come to you?
Everyone contributed toward the meal, for example DH mum makes her legendary roasties, yours makes her amazing trifle, you and DH do the meat etc?

Well then if she doesn't want to come to yours and bring them too, as you invited them, that's her loss. Doesn't mean you have to go there!

Toughen up. Say next year will be at yours, everyone welcome. Say 'oh, well, that's up to you, never mind' when the excuses start.

That feels very unfair you went to MIL twice in a row and left your mother alone. I would never allow that to happen. I’d be telling MIL that it’s your mums turn next year but she’s welcome to drop in.

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year.

Who is she ‘insisting’ this to and what are you/they saying?! Surely you’re not just sitting there saying nothing?!

The fact that you’ve let your mum spent two Christmas dinners alone and despite inviting MIL and her parents to yours and her refusing, you’ve let her have her way and gone to hers anyway doesn’t bode well though. You need to grow a pair and put your mum and yourself first.

Easy solution is to either have everyone at yours for lunch or invite your mum to your mother in laws or vice versa

Your poor mum.
You should have asked her to be included or stayed with her yourself.
Selfish people

If you'll be in a larger home next year, then that's the perfect opportunity for you to host at your own house. And if you're happy to invite everyone then just do that and it's up to them if they want to come or not. If people start arguing about why you should do things differently, just quickly reinforce what your plans are, and they are very welcome to join, or if they are making other plans then you are also fine with that.

Whilst it may be unpleasant for one year, it is a worthwhile pain to have to set a standard for the future. And you have a good way to start in a new house.

I do think you should plan for Christmas hosting etc reasonably early, though now seems a bit early.

Be strong, stay firm OP.

Ask your husband to take the reigns on this one. He can do all the back and forth and you can just get on with your plans.

don't connect it to being in the new house, just in case that doesn't happen.

Tell everyone that you will be home and both mothers are invited. And that in future it will be like this too.

Thank you for replies! I've told DH to deal with the fall out if it comes up again already.
You are all so right about deserving to have a Christmas my own way- I really want to start our own family traditions!

Lots of comments on why MIL didn't invite my mom! I think she's frightened that DS will ignore her in favour of my mum. (He sees MIL slightly more due to her being retired but seems to have a preference for my mum that I've not actively encouraged.) She gets very jealous when my mom sees him- DH often lies and says she's hasn't (ridiculous!)

I've made it very clear to DH that I will not be leaving my own home next Christmas or any other, unless it suits us.

I cannot believe you left your poor mum alone 2 years in a row!!

And you husband was ok with this!

Shocking behaviour

Well then MIL can make her choice to stay home and cook for her parents, she has company and your mam doesn't. Give her the arrangements and she makes whatever choices she wants, so can DH for that matter but I would be in my home with my mother

OP I often used to not tell my own parents when we saw my in-laws - it really wasn’t worth the emotional blackmail . It sounds like your DH is struggling with his mother . Crack on with your plans but support your husband in dealing with his difficult mother . Your son has already made a decision which grandmother he prefers which speaks volumes

One way to stop this OP ..no one hosts anyone. Its not compulsory. This year we went to a pub on Christmas day. Everyone made their own way there and we spent a couple of hours all together, no washing up, being thoroughly spoilt with sublime food in a bright and breezy lovely atmosphere. Not saying its cheap but my god its so lovely to have no responsibilities and stress.

So MIL has other family at Christmas? But you still go to her and leave your own mother alone?

Fuck that shit. Invite your mother next year and tell MIL you will see her on Boxing Day.

This

I can’t get over OP leaving her mother on her own. Just horrible.

I can’t get over OP leaving her mother on her own. Just horrible.

I agree! Your MIL had her own parents to be with!

Today MIL is already insisting that she wants to do the same next year.

Did you say WHO your MIL is ‘insisting’ this to, @Anonymous75 ? And what did they reply?

My grandparents are still "hosting" but at my parents house for [flimpsy excuse reason].

The first years my grandparents were still seen as very much in charge but it allowed a (perceived gradual) take-over of duties.

Maybe something similar would work for you guys?

If she is with her own guests l ave her to it rather than leaving your mother on her own

Your MIL knows exactly what she is doing so don't bother explaining. Explanations and reasons are a waste of time, they just pave the way for arguments. Set a clear boundary and stick to it, and use as few words as possible. It will then be her choice to get upset or accept it.