Presents from in-laws to spouses

[NC727272]

I'm just wondering how other families do presents from in-laws to spouses (ie; from your Parents to you and your partner / spouse, or from you to your children and their partners)?

Is it a similar value gift for each, a joint gift, a bit more for the 'child' than the partner or much more for the 'child' and a token for their partner?

Talking about long-term partners and married couples rather than a casual / new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Mine and DH's parents each have wildly opposing approaches to this and I'm wondering which (if either) is the norm!

Thanks

I treat my DIL and son exactly the same. I ask them for a list of links so that I get the right things (after a long marriage where I got all sorts of crap from my in laws) and I have a limit in my mind and buy according to that. In fact this year my DIL had a bit more spent on her. Her parents are in another country so I am her surrogate mum over here. When they go there her parents treat them the same, too. We all chose to do that without having to speak to each other about it.

I give a decent present to my out-laws, but a bit more to my kids. My pils used to give joint presents usually but my fil used to give me something extra "because you haven't got your own mum and dad to buy for you" I do miss him.

My mum and dad used to give their own children £100 at Christmas. It was supposed to be to do whatever they wanted with - most of us shared with our spouses, but my sister's husband was vile so she told him she got £20 and kept the rest in her running away fund.

Our children and their spouses are treated the same when it comes to gift giving.

We give the same to children and partners. My parents and in laws likewise. I couldn't give a token gift and give their partner £££.

Thank you. Roughly the same seems the norm from this small sample then. My parents do this, or as well as. They sometimes spend a tiny bit more on me than my DH but not so it's noticeable.

Meanwhile this year from the in-laws I've received a low value token gift, although something that they know I like, granted, while DH has received a significant amount of cash (high triple figures).

I don't for a second think I should have received the same as him but the starkly obvious disparity has made me feel a bit snubbed, especially when circumstances meant we scrapped a planned Christmas with my family this year to spend another with his.

Anyway I know I'm probably being a bit childish and grumpy over it (and very likely pregnancy hormones have something to do with it) but it's put a bit of a damper on the day today and I can't say anything in real life so just wanted to get it off my chest.

Both my family and DP’s give more to their adult kids than their respective partners. It’s never really occurred to me that it would be otherwise!

My parents spend the same amount and my DH’s get me a small token present (that’s usually incredibly generic). It really upsets my mum, especially this year where they’ve wrangled getting the first Christmas with the new grandchild so completely sympathise! It sucks as it feels like one partner is essentially valued more.

We were given a cheque for a substantial amount as a couple and my MIL always bought a lovely present for me and nothing for my DH as she thought men were far too difficult to buy for.

No inlaws in my family, they passed away before we married. But my parents do a joint cash gift to all their adult children and partners. We get a Christmas card usually, addressed to both of us, with it in. It would never occur to my parents to treat my husband any differently than they do me, we come as a unit these days. They give us the same amount each on birthdays too.

DH gets a big fancy expensive thoughtful present and a massive cheque and I get some unwanted shit from the latest raffle or tombola or charity shop, I think the ILs give themselves extra points if they find something broken, mouldy or dusty to send me; one year they left the raffle ticket on the tombola prize. Then they absolve themselves by also sending a (significantly smaller than DH's) cheque for some money, so it's impossible to say anything without coming across as really rude. But we both know what they're doing and why (they wanted him to get back together with his previous girlfriend, they didn't know she cheated on him, and that was twenty years ago FFS). Most of their presents to me go straight in the bin as they are unsalvageable.

OP, is there no chance they think he's sharing the money with you?!

I can't imagine in what world my in laws would give DH 500 quid or whatever and he just put it in his back pocket for himself!

My mum sends us a cheque to share however I want to (so it's goes in our joint account), MIL spends same on DP and me.

We don’t tend to do presents for adults, and haven’t for quite a while. It’s easier all round.

I find this so odd. My adult DC are past the age of 'needing' a gift from me so anything I give is given because I love and appreciate them, and want to treat them- it is nothing to do with monetary value. I also love and appreciate my SIL and my DIL and want to treat them. Why on earth would I decide to use gift giving as a way to show them they are less valued by me???

Any monetary gift is split or the same amount given to each partner. They are a team will be treated as such- what one deserves the other deserves also. Yes it costs more than it used to but I've got two extra people in my life to love and I'm so grateful for that.

Plus I hate to say it but I always get DD and DDIL a little extra for being mums at Christmas just because one day the patriarchy will be dead but we aren't there yet 😬😂🤦‍♀️

My MIL and DM used to spend the same on my DH and I. From my DM, something like either some joint wine glasses or a toiletry set each. My MIL would give my DH and I both a voucher and a couple of small presents each.

DH and I always get a joint gift from both my parents and PILs for Christmas. They might also give a small token individual gift for each of us too but increasingly it's just the joint gift.

For the past few years, PILs have done family National Trust membership for us and my parents generally get something that we've requested for our home. Then we might get say a book or something each. But definitely equal at Christmas. For birthdays my parents spend more on me and PILs spend more on DH.

PILs would buy my DH what he wanted and then put my name on it too.

Didn't bother me.

My inlaws send us both the same amount of cash
My parents are divorced. My dad tends to buy us vouchers/tickets for an evening out and offers to babysit while we go
My mum buys us both gifts, usually of a similar value. I probably get more gifts because she does me a stocking of little bits (eg sweets and bubble bath) whereas she’ll buy my husband one more expensive item (usually alcohol)

ILs: either a joint gift or separate gifts with mine being more 'token'. Though the 'token' gift is always something very thoughtful, well-chosen by MIL.

My parents: separate gifts of cash. Their gift to dh is always generous - just mine is more so.

My in-laws usually spend about £100 each on my husband and his siblings, partners usually get a nice but smaller gift (last year I got a box of my favourite chocolates and the sequel to a book that I’d mentioned liking).
I’m totally happy with this and not offended at all. His 2 youngest siblings don’t have partners so they want to make sure they get them a decent present but also want to be fair to all their children by spending the roughly the same (it would cost a fortune to spend the same on partners too).

My parents usually give us £100 to spend on a nice meal together (with the bonus of promising to babysit!)
My mum also does me a little stocking of little things that she thinks I’ll like (socks, my favourite shower gel, nail polish, a magazine etc). My husband is more than happy not to receive this 😂

In terms of giving to them, my husband sorts his family from both of us (although he might ask for suggestions for his mum and niece, and I always order flowers for his mum because the ‘Bloom and Wild’ app is already set up on my phone).
I also sort my parents from both of us (although he sometimes gets my brother a little something extra because they share a hobby).
We have a joint account for this sort of stuff anyway so everything is from both of us!

My kids don't have partners yet but for me/DH we always got more from our own parent and a token from each others.

Our own parents would usually spend a few hundred on us (their own child).

Then my mam use to buy DH alcohol (a bottle of whiskey usually) where as DH parents usually buy me an item of clothing from somewhere like New Look.

I like buying gifts but I would not spend equal on my kids partner but I would definitely buy them their own nice items (not joint).

This has crossed my mind but then I don't get anything for my birthday from them (aside from a social media message) either so probably not.

In terms of what DH does with the money perhaps I am a bit  that he's happily planning what to buy himself with it while if the boot was on the other foot I'd have automatically put the vast majority of any windfall of any kind into our maternity leave savings.

Thanks all for the differing opinions and experiences. I think if it were say £100 or £200 for him and a small gift for me it wouldn't cut as deep, but the best part of a grand Vs. a box of chocolates (that he also got!) while I'm actively growing their grandchild seems like a bit of a kick 

Just to add there was meant to be at the end of that last post for context! I'm more bleakly amused that they're all excited about the baby yet largely oblivious to me than actively upset.