Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Presents from in-laws to spouses

78 replies

NC727272 · 24/12/2023 13:02

I'm just wondering how other families do presents from in-laws to spouses (ie; from your Parents to you and your partner / spouse, or from you to your children and their partners)?

Is it a similar value gift for each, a joint gift, a bit more for the 'child' than the partner or much more for the 'child' and a token for their partner?

Talking about long-term partners and married couples rather than a casual / new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Mine and DH's parents each have wildly opposing approaches to this and I'm wondering which (if either) is the norm!

Thanks

OP posts:

TedMullins · 25/12/2023 00:06

NC727272 · 24/12/2023 22:33

Well yes, except my family spend half of what they used to spend on me since I got married, as they spend the other half on my DH!

Maybe more fool them/us 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not about the actual spend anyway, DH's gift from his parents is far far more generous than my parents could ever afford to spend on anyone at Christmas and that's fine as it's always going to be the case in different families - it's the gaping chasm between a great big bundle of cash and a box of supermarket chocolates that feels (rightly or wrongly) like a deliberate snub.

Show quote history

I do think it’s more fool you tbh. I don’t expect anything from my partner’s family, they’re not my family so why should they get me anything? My parents can’t afford much but they usually send me some cash and I wouldn’t share it with him. I don’t get his family anything either though, that’s up to him. He can write my name on the gifts if he wants

Original poster

NC727272 · 25/12/2023 22:41

@TedMullins Well all family presents for both sides come from our joint account to which we contribute equally, so are all from both of us. I wouldn't buy his family separate gifts just from me just as he wouldn't go out and buy my parents something just from him, but we spend more on each gift now than we individually did before we married because there are two of us contributing.

Anyway I've sat on it since yesterday and have decided to tell DH calmly tomorrow that I found the laughably enormous gift disparity quite hurtful when my parents have always treated us as equals and him as a member of the family, but that it's more hurtful that a) he hasn't realised that for himself, nor b) that he has more important things to spend his Christmas windfall on this coming year than a new phone(!)

OP posts:

blushroses6 · 25/12/2023 22:50

My mum spends roughly the same on my partner and I, possibly actually a bit more on him this year. My in laws on the other hand would maybe spend £30 on me and £100 on my partner. I find a lot of things they do strange so try not to overthink it. They are currently put out because I bought the same present for DP as they have all because they seem unable to drop me a text to ask if I might be considering buying him it.

LuluBlakey1 · 25/12/2023 23:18

My mam was always very generous to DH and spent the same on presents for us but more generous to me because she always insisted on giving me a cash gift as well (£500).
PIL spend about the same on DH and I but we have DC now and they direct their gifts to them really. They bought me some perfume I like and some drawing inks and a FairIsle style jumper. They bought DH cologne, a Fairisle style jumper 😂and some books.
We bought FIL a golf club and a bottle of single malt, and MIL a waterproof jacket and calligraphy pens. The DC also had gifts for them - chocolates, woolly hats and gloves, a framed photo of the three of them, a collection of seed packets, a cold frame and some embroidery silks.

OutOfOrder67 · 25/12/2023 23:23

My in laws used to give a small thing and then DH some money, but over the years it’s started to even. This year he did get money on top but I never care much cause it all goes in the same pot 😂 and I figure they know this anyway and it’s unsaid it for both of us

its not that the in-laws don’t put care into my gift either because they do, and that means more to me

i dunno, but I live rent free because of them so I don’t care for anything more 😂

Nonplusultra · 26/12/2023 20:19

We get same value gifts from my dm about €30 each in value, but in recent years I have to choose, buy and wrap them. Pils give dh (and all their dc) the legal tax free limit of €3000 and a candle to me. But since dh considers all his money family money, arguably he’s worse off by this arrangement than I am. It goes into our mortgage so everybody benefits. Before they started doing this, they’d have spent about €200 on dh vs €10-20 on me.

For birthdays they’d spend a couple of hundred on him, and about €500 on milestone birthdays, and I get something around the €10 mark if mil remembers. My dm sends me €10 in a card, which hasn’t varied in thirty years and a cheery text to dh for his birthday.

I think it’s fine for parents to treat their dc. I’m not pil’s dd, and I don’t expect to be treated equally to dh.

reluctantbrit · 26/12/2023 20:54

In the beginning I would get more than now-DH from my parents. No idea what DH got from his parents as we weren‘t spending Christmas together for several years.

We are now married over 20 years and my mum sends us the same amount of money and we get a joint gift from my PIL, normally something practical we asked for unless we want something separate but that‘s rare.

My mum does the same for birthdays, my PIL don‘t do birthday gifts to us or we to them.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 26/12/2023 20:57

My PILs give me gifts worth approx 1/2 what they give DH. My parents give him gifts worth approx 1/4 what they give me.

Need to check if that bugs him!

Surely if they've given him £800 say, he's likely to use it in a way that's for you too @NC727272 ?

mumstheword1982 · 26/12/2023 21:38

My mum gave bioth me and DH money, and also some chanel aftershave and other gifts for him. So he technically got more from my mum but it doesn't bother me!

From my MIL she spent the same on us both, I got a jacket and a candle, he got a power tool that he asked for!

bluesky45 · 26/12/2023 21:42

My parents do slightly more for their own children than they do for our partners, say £70 for DC and £60 for in laws.
In laws don't buy anything for us, it all goes to the grandkids.

TrudyProud · 26/12/2023 21:43

When I was a GF I received a token £50 cheque now I'm a wife me and my husband get the same amount- this year £1k cheque each (BIL and SIL received the same).

My family aren't as well off so the gifts are smaller and still broadly equal .

AliceMcK · 26/12/2023 22:29

what ever cash or vouchers DH gets, whether birthday or Christmas are handed straight to me as soon as the in-laws aren’t around, it’s anything between £25-50. It would never cross his mind to keep the money for himself. Most years I get something that’s probably being regifted or charity shop bought, usually toiletries I would never use. This year I am quite impressed and very happy with my gifts, probably totalling £20-25, I’d even go so far as saying they were actually bought specifically for me and thoughtful. DH got £25 plus a generic gift. The disparities are between DH and his siblings that would have got £100s in cash, designer handbags, iPads, season tickets to a premier league teams…

NC with my family so no comparison

Candycurrantbun · 26/12/2023 22:38

Why isn't your DH allowed to keep his birthday money for himself?

BurbageBrook · 26/12/2023 22:42

Both my DM and his DPs get their own child a higher value gift (maybe around £200) and the other one of us a smaller gift, I think his parents spend about £50
on me and my mum probably spends about £50-70 on him so works out pretty even. I wouldn't care if it didn't though! Interesting to see how other families do it.

Sellingbedtime · 26/12/2023 22:54

My parents spend equal on me and my husband, asking what we would like.

My MIL does a random assortment of gifts for us to share.... Such as charity shop finds, whatever homemade jam they have recently made, charity donations made on our behalf, it's always interesting 🤔

1stTimeMama · 27/12/2023 01:49

My parents spend more on my than my DH, because I'm their actual child. This year they gave us the option of having something joint or individual, but there's nothing suitable to grt for us to share, so we scrapped that idea. My MIL used to send gifts for both of us, then just my DH, and now for neither...so I suppose she gets us the same!

Flatandhappy · 27/12/2023 03:00

I love my DIL and always buy her a really nice gift but she comes from a very wealthy family and I know her parents will always give her some money on top (as well as buying my son something lovely) so we usually give him a bit of cash too. In previous years we have bought them joint presents if there was something they wanted. We now spend a lot on their daughter too, nobody feels hard done by.

Goleftorgoright · 27/12/2023 03:56

For Christmas my parents usually give a joint gift to DH, the last few years it has been cash and we’ve put it into the pot for both of us to spend together eg towards a holiday or new furniture.

For birthdays my parents spend a little more on me than DH but they always get him a gift.

My in laws usually get both DH and I a gift and spend a little more on DH than me but I don’t really mind as he’s their son. They tend to get something around £50 mark so do try and be thoughtful rather than just buying anything. Unfortunately it is usually to their taste not mine which I always feel bad about as it just gets put in a cupboard or given to charity. I would rather they spent less and just got a voucher or a bottle of wine.

For birthdays my in laws spend a little more on DH but again I don’t mind and again they do really try to get something nice.

The only thing that bugs me is that since having DS they have started getting DH a little extra gift/card from DS to DH and I think that’s a bit odd and sort of my job to do but I’d never say anything as I know they are trying to be nice to DH and I also know it’s not anything to do with me, MIL buys FIL extra presents from DS. They just like giving which is sweet.

For our parents we get birthday and Christmas gifts for both from our joint accounts and for Christmas spend about the same on each set of parents and it is usually a joint gift. We don’t have the same funds as either of our parents but always try to get them something that they like.

Original poster

NC727272 · 27/12/2023 08:26

Candycurrantbun · 26/12/2023 22:38

Why isn't your DH allowed to keep his birthday money for himself?

He is allowed to do whatever he wants with it, but at a period of time where we're saving every penny towards our baby and mat leave it would have been nice if his first thought at a large financial gift was that, rather than a new iPhone that he doesn't need.

In any case we spoke, I told him without any accusation why I found it hurtful, and a) he's acknowledged that it doesn't exactly scream 'you're part of the family' and b) having thought on it he's bought himself some trainers he was after and put the rest into our joint account.

Fwiw on his birthday he also gets a cash transfer and I've never asked or cared how much. They don't give me anything for my birthday. It was only the obvious feast and famine side by side effect of the two Christmas presents that felt calculated and bothered me.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 27/12/2023 08:44

I don't ask what my children do with anything I give them as individuals, but I would be sad if any money automatically went into the family pot. They don't yet have children, though, so maybe I'd feel different if they do. As it is, my own income is either feast or famine- in feast time I'll bung a bit their way. Ideally it's for treats for them!
I do give S and D out laws nice presents too!

Cuwins · 27/12/2023 08:44

My parents do 1 or 2 small presents for my partner (long term- live together with a child) this year a book he wanted. And much more for me although I have lots of parcels but not very expensive stuff.
His parents have much more spare cash- they spend more on me (£50 Amazon voucher and chocolate this year). He only gets a couple of parcels from them but of much higher value than mine from my parents (so it probably evens it's self out).
Can't say either of us have ever been bothered about it.
My parents can't afford to spend the same on him as they currently do on me- (plus he is much harder to buy for!) they could obviously choose to spend less on me and the spare on him however I have a twin sister who isn't in a relationship so then she would either get less too or she would have more than me- neither of which would they think was fair. I would be perfectly happy with a token from his parents but that's not how they choose to do it- fine.
They do presents differently anyway as they choose to get 2 bigger presents for our DD while my parents choose to get lots of smaller things as number of parcels has always been important in our house!

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 27/12/2023 08:50

When I was married my now exh got gifts similar in value to me, but they had known him since we were teens, then 20 years married. Now I'm with dp he get more of a token gift, usually booze

Charlie2121 · 31/12/2023 01:04

My parents have never so much as sent a card to my DP for his birthday. They have never bought him a gift for any occassion.

We have been together for about 17 years and I’m not sure they would even know when his birthday is.

GreatGateauxsby · 31/12/2023 03:55

My parents spend the same on us (sometimes more on DH) Prob about £100 each

His get him a gift worth about £100-150.
I get something from the back on the cupboard (10 year old scarf from now defunct fashion brands etc) mil took it too far last year and gave me an expired l'occitane set 😅
I think DH said something as this year I was treated to a boots 3 for 2 star deal type thing.
His DB gets minimum £500 usually about 1k in gifts 😅😅😅

CurlewKate · 31/12/2023 09:38

One of the things that baffles me about Mumsnet is the way everyone seems to know what everything costs.

Flip

1 2 3 4