Presents from in-laws to spouses

[NC727272]

I'm just wondering how other families do presents from in-laws to spouses (ie; from your Parents to you and your partner / spouse, or from you to your children and their partners)?

Is it a similar value gift for each, a joint gift, a bit more for the 'child' than the partner or much more for the 'child' and a token for their partner?

Talking about long-term partners and married couples rather than a casual / new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Mine and DH's parents each have wildly opposing approaches to this and I'm wondering which (if either) is the norm!

Thanks

Ha! My MIL (I really do like her a lot actually) gave my husband a significant cash sum and to me she gave £10 and an out of date David Austin voucher 😂😂

My dad gave my husband and I cases of wine, white for me, red for him, of equal value. MIL is very well off; my dad, has a fairly modest income by comparison. But to be honest I don't really care. The nicest part of Christmas for me is getting together with family and nice food, games, chat etc. The presents are definitely secondary. I'm just lucky to have nice people to spend the day with.

My PILs generally give my DH a cheque or ask him what he really wants. I get an M&S voucher of much less value than the cheque/gift to buy something nice for the house.

My parents spend equal amounts on both of us.

MIL gives both her kids £1000 at birthdays and £500 at Christmas. She spends nothing on me for Christmas, as it's assumed I will see some of the £1000 (I don't). She spends about £20 on DS (5), who is her only grandchild, although I think she may have spent more this year.

Her kids are 45 and 41. Both are still very much treated like children by MIL.

My mum doesn't buy us presents. On my side of the family, we only buy for the kids.

My parents give me significant personal gifts yet in 20 years I can’t recall them ever buying DH a single thing.

His parents are deceased so nothing to compare with on that side of things.

My PIL when alive give myself and their son a gift voucher of equal amount each Christmas (which was very much appreciated). Also sent me a birthday card & gave a birthday present.

In the 10 years I’ve been with my OH / now husband my own mother (father is dead) has never given my DH a birthday card, birthday present or Christmas present. It makes m feel extremely embarrassed (it’s not because she doesn’t have the money, it’s because she is extremely thoughtless).

My MiL makes me a stocking, one for DH and on each for my 3 adult 3 DC and Foster son. She gives us each a card with cash in too. My DC are not even her biological DGC but she treats them as if they are and they love her. We make her a stocking with about 8 gifts in. My 3 DC will each get her a gift and drive the 150 miles independently to take it up to her on different days so she has a visitor on 3 occasions. They will take her for a cream tea or an ice cream along the beach. She will like that as she has mobility problems so can't get out much on her own. DH, FS and I are going up on 27th-29th. We are taking her out for a meal on the 28th.

@UndergroundPenguin I know how you feel… there’s always a passagg “message” behind PIL’s gifts to me.

If MIL is displeased with me, I get a dusty, battered old candle she’s regifting or some ghastly regifted jewellery or a diffuser that smells like toilet cleaner 😂 If she’s agnostic towards me, it’s something quite expensive from a designer outlet that I will dislike and a Cartwright & Butler hamper. If she likes me at that particular moment in time, it will be a cashmere jumper and a F&M hamper.

I’ve turned it into a game with my sister. She has to guess what I received. We have a lot of fun 😆🤭

Hope you put on a massive show of “loving” whatever shit they pass off. It will irritate them greatly 🌷

Together 20+ years. My parents treat DH as they do myself and my siblings. They spend equally on all of us. I've never had so much as a card from DH's family. Tbh, I've given up, I married their son, I've given them grandchildren. I've nursed FiL through several illnesses, batch cooked for him after hospital stays. Still no card or even a happy birthday. He's not an ill man, still works full time etc.

My DM would always get both of us a gift and my expectation would be that mine would be nicer, however everything would be wanted, thoughtful and quality.

My MIL would also get both of us a gift and they would be equally shit.

The only chance we'd get money would be from DM (despite MIL being loaded) and she would fully expect it to be shared as household money.

Birthdays - we both get the same amount spent

Christmas - normally we get a joint present bought (something for the house usually!)

I treat them all the same.

Christ. You're a nicer person than me @ImInACage.

I just can't imagine someone being a part of the family, someone that my loved one loves (even if I don't) and choosing to treat them so coldly.

I think your anger is misdirected.

ILs can give whatever gifts they like.

Your DH however has just had a windfall of £££, he has a wife who is growing his baby, life is about to get expensive with mat leave, child care new baby.

But instead he is thinking of spending it all on himself.

As ever on Mumsnet, you don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

OP congrats on your pregnancy. Forget your IL's "carrying thirty grandchild", I think it's a bit mean that your husband doesn't share with you especially as your carrying his child too.

Thirty lol *Their

Well I'm glad it's not thirty @Moonshine5!

I think you're right to a degree @AnnaMagnani and we will be talking about it. I did test the water earlier by suggesting when he counted it that it'd pay for the pram! 

He is genuinely a very kind and decent Man (I've read thread after thread this week about Men not pulling their weight around Christmas while I've had my feet up being waited on while he does everything) he just had an enormous blind spot when it comes to his family and I don't think the disparity would even register with him. He didn't notice I hadn't had so much as a card from any of them for my significant birthday this year until I pointed it out.

OP 🤣 sorry it's autocorrect

I always spend more on my own kids than their partners. Their partners have their own family to spend on them.

Well yes, except my family spend half of what they used to spend on me since I got married, as they spend the other half on my DH!

Maybe more fool them/us 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not about the actual spend anyway, DH's gift from his parents is far far more generous than my parents could ever afford to spend on anyone at Christmas and that's fine as it's always going to be the case in different families - it's the gaping chasm between a great big bundle of cash and a box of supermarket chocolates that feels (rightly or wrongly) like a deliberate snub.

Why are you cancelling your family to be with his again? That doesn't seem fair.

It's a long story but I wish we hadn't! On the upside it's definitely my family's turn next year which will also happen to be our baby's 1st Christmas.

In laws spend roughly the same on us but I know my dad gives me slightly more than DH (still gives DH a generous amount of cash). I think it's okay to treat your own child more than the spouse/partner but nearly 1k vs supermarket chocs is too big a difference imo.

Focus on the fact you'll have a lovely Christmas next year with your baby and family. I'd say it all worked out pretty well!

DP and I mostly get the same. We both have very kind, generous and thoughtful families who treat us both as their own. I get gifts from his dgm and he gets from mine. Same with our parents. We also get gifts from my mums MIL who we've never met but as she treats me like a granddaughter via her son, she does the same for my dp
Extremely thoughtful family

My parents gave us gifts but of not great value - a nice book for example. Then they'd spend a bit more on the grandkids. My in laws the same.
But it wouldn't have been unusual for my parents to gift me some money or something for example at another time during the year, just not at Xmas.

I have to say it's never occurred to me to think that I would get the same value gift as my partner, or that I would do the same for ds1's girlfriend.

When I was with XH his family would get me nice gifts, but definitely not to the same value as his. Likewise, I've got ds1's girlfriend (what I hope she'll think are) nice gifts, but not to the same value as ds1.

They're not generic token gifts though to be fair.