Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Help my inlaws have taken over christmas

112 replies

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:01

Hear me out please. They are lovely. They love their grandchildren. However...

They've taken over Christmas. They've bought an advent calendar and given it to the kids on the 5th of December as if they wouldn't already have one! But theirs is bigger and better than ours.

They've given us "a few bits" for the stocking and I'm going to need a sack to give them all! Plus we had already bought stuff. What do I do?! I feel like they are taking away OUR job as parents. It's me isn't it I'm so ungrateful I know! How do I stop this!

They've only gone and bought 5 of the items on the Christmas list for the youngest leaving us with what.. some colouring pens.

OP posts:
SugarCookieMonster · 16/12/2023 22:40

I have no answers but complete sympathy. We’re on our 5th year with first time grandparents and have just managed to head off most of these things!

The only advice I can give is set out the rules early next year. Let them know that you appreciate the thought but it’s a bit too much. Also not sure if there are 2 sets of grandparents involved but it can also get a bit competitive or one set feeling they have to do less or back off a bit so as not to overwhelm DC.

Did you give a list of suggestions or did they just go off and buy things they thought DC would like and accidentally got the wish list?

I’d be quite annoyed if they’d bought some most wanted items without checking in first. I’d be tempted to say you’d already bought them as and suggest alternatives.

It’s wonderful that they want to be so involved but I absolutely agree that you are the parents and you are the ones who should be doing these things that they’ve already had the pleasure of experiencing with their own DC.

Get DH to speak to his DM and kindly but firmly draw some lines.

Wolfiefan · 16/12/2023 22:43

Your husband/wife needs to set boundaries with this ready for next year. Ask them to buy specific things rather than sharing a list. Tell them you have already bought advent calendars (or just let them buy them!)

Original poster
vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:44

Thank you. Do you think if DH spoke to them in October and said don't worry about the stocking this year we will sort them. Firmly but politely. Would that be OK? And for the list I think we should decide what we want to get and give them a selected edit of the rest

OP posts:
lf4 · 16/12/2023 22:47

Hand them back and say this is really kind of you but we are already organised for the stockings, thank you.

Same with any larger gifts off the wishlist "as you know these are the things dc asked for which we have already purchased" then just leave it at that.

The mistake you're making is literally accepting the stuff from them, that's what makes them think it is fine and they are doing something right.

Cadenza12 · 16/12/2023 22:48

You need to talk to them, they are probably trying to help out. I would suggest that you deflect them by asking them to only buy one gift and put any other amount they wish to a child savings account for uni. Etc

Bookworm1111 · 16/12/2023 22:50

Why are you giving them a list of ALL the presents? You should be taking off the best ones for you and your DH to give them, then divvy up the rest between all grandparents and other family members. I also agree with other PP - your DH should hand back stocking presents and say “we’ve got their stockings covered thanks”.

vincettenoir · 16/12/2023 22:51

I understand your frustration. My mum just casually gave my dd the one thing on her Xmas list on Thursday. It was a small gift, but still it meant a lot to my dd. I had already bought her one for Xmas day.

I would be tempted to give the advent calendars to a food bank, keep some of the stocking fillers and hold some back for birthdays / treats later in the year.

Chalkdowns · 16/12/2023 22:52

Bit of strategic withholding of some stuff needed here. Don’t tell them everything on the list - choose what you want and then tell them what they can get.

the stockings they can have on Boxing Day directly from the grandparents. It’s your place to do stockings on Xmas day. My MIL wanted to do stockings too, but hers were opened the next day so they got enough attention. She was happy with that.

It is very annoying when over keen grandparents do this!

Original poster
vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:55

Great thank you all for the tips and advice.

OP posts:
TheSuggestedAmendment · 16/12/2023 22:56

Don’t give them the list!

And as for stocking, just suggest they add small items to whatever they are giving so the DC know who to thank.

I think the advent calendar is ok though. I used to get several when I was little.

Gazelda · 16/12/2023 22:56

My (sadly deceased) MIL did this.

I was offended at first, then decided it wasn't worth falling out with her so asked her to keep the advent calendar, extra stocking etc at her home for DD to enjoy when she went there.

I told her a few main items to choose from, keeping the ones from DD's wish list for me and DH to gift.

MIL enjoyed telling DD that Father Christmas had been to her home and had left some gifts for DD.

It all worked out well for us. Everyone was happy. DD and MIL adored each other and had a very special bond. It was very important to DH and I that they were close, as both of us knew the incredible value a relationship with grandparents can be.

I hope you manage to find a solution you can all be happy with. I realise I was lucky with MIL that she was reasonable in agreeing to our suggestions rather than insisting on continuing to overstep.

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 22:58

lf4 · 16/12/2023 22:47

Hand them back and say this is really kind of you but we are already organised for the stockings, thank you.

Same with any larger gifts off the wishlist "as you know these are the things dc asked for which we have already purchased" then just leave it at that.

The mistake you're making is literally accepting the stuff from them, that's what makes them think it is fine and they are doing something right.

This is an awful suggestion. As a grandparent, Id be so upset if my DD handed back things I’d bought for my grandchildren. So what if they have 2 advent calendars? It’s hardly the crime of the century. Presumably you told them what your kids wanted for christmas - did you tell them specifically what to buy? As for the stocking gifts, why not just put some things to one side and leave them out on New Year’s Eve (we put shoes out and Old Father Time leaves small gifts)?
As for next year, give the grandparents a list of what to buy and ask them to stick to it. (But let them get calendars too!)

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 22:59

Chalkdowns · 16/12/2023 22:52

Bit of strategic withholding of some stuff needed here. Don’t tell them everything on the list - choose what you want and then tell them what they can get.

the stockings they can have on Boxing Day directly from the grandparents. It’s your place to do stockings on Xmas day. My MIL wanted to do stockings too, but hers were opened the next day so they got enough attention. She was happy with that.

It is very annoying when over keen grandparents do this!

Define ‘over-keen grandparent’

Copperoliverbear · 16/12/2023 23:05

I wish mine had taken any notice of them let alone buy them loads of presents.
Next year give them a list and you have a different list so they get everything they want.

Original poster
vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 23:07

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 22:58

This is an awful suggestion. As a grandparent, Id be so upset if my DD handed back things I’d bought for my grandchildren. So what if they have 2 advent calendars? It’s hardly the crime of the century. Presumably you told them what your kids wanted for christmas - did you tell them specifically what to buy? As for the stocking gifts, why not just put some things to one side and leave them out on New Year’s Eve (we put shoes out and Old Father Time leaves small gifts)?
As for next year, give the grandparents a list of what to buy and ask them to stick to it. (But let them get calendars too!)

Show quote history

They don't need two! They had their turn with their own kids. Seriously it's ruining it all for us as parents. We put loads of effort into the stocking gifts and then bag load of stuff gets given to us to put in as well. But it's too much and they don't need it!

OP posts:
Original poster
vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 23:08

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 22:59

Define ‘over-keen grandparent’

Show quote history

I would define it as doing the Christmas traditions without thinking we might be doing it.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 16/12/2023 23:15

Santa left such lovely presents not granny not you just Santa! That’s this year done then explain to the in-laws that this must not happen again. You will offer a couple of ideas and any extras will be returned immediately.

newfriend05 · 16/12/2023 23:17

I think you need to look at this different, I'm a new nanny , next year just give her a list saying it would be great if you get these for ?.. would really help ... we have everything else .. no drama

Chateau13 · 16/12/2023 23:22

I’m curious to know if you’d feel the same way if it was your mum doing these things. My MIL never bought anything decent for our two children which used to know the hell out of me and obviously DH defended her. Thankfully she’s not around to cause trouble anymore. I’m now grandma to two little ones but I would never never buy big presents without our D’s permission. Our GS needs a bike but as they can’t afford it we asked our D if we should buy one knowing the answer would be know. I bought them cheap advent calendars on 30/11 and they are thrilled to have two but even this I wouldn’t do without asking.

Sugarcube84 · 16/12/2023 23:28

I’ve had this and really don’t think it’s worth falling out over. I just adapted knowing what they were going to buy so ds always ended up with 2 advent calendars, I let grandparents carry on sorting an Xmas Eve box (one less thing to do) and asked them to gift all presents from themselves rather than giving to me to add to sacks/stockings I said so they could be there to enjoy it.

they also did a Santa visit each year. Now ds is 13 and he loves how involved they were.

in regards to lists I always got ds to give me a list and then I’d pass on a smaller version to gp’s

As for not needing 2 advent calendars they are kids does it really matter? Give it a few years and you’ll be lucky to see them out of bed before lunch

ODFOx · 16/12/2023 23:33

'They don't need two! They had their turn with their own kids. Seriously it's ruining it all for us as parents. We put loads of effort into the stocking gifts and then bag load of stuff gets given to us to put in as well. But it's too much and they don't need it!'

Put the extra stocking stuff in a lovely box, label it from MIL and put it under the tree. You are overthinking this. They aren't trying to compete with you. You just need to be a bit more organisational next year and give them the list after you two have chosen the main gifts and then mix and match the extra stocking gifts.

BelieveInYourElf · 16/12/2023 23:39

Whoever wrote this,"'They don't need two! They had their turn with their own kids. Seriously, it's ruining it all for us as parents. We put loads of effort into stocking gifts, and then a bagload of stuff gets given to us to put in. But it's too much, and they don't need it!"

Get over yourself.

Be grateful they want to be involved and indulge their grandchildren.

It's exciting for them to relive the magic of those early Christmases.

One day, you will be a grandparent. Are you seriously telling me you will completely back off and not 'treat' your grandchildren...

I think not!

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 16/12/2023 23:45

I honestly don’t mind grandparents treating the grandkids but for all you grandparents, please make sure it’s the right size and the appropriate age. My 8 month old chubby baby really won’t fit into all the 0-3 months you’ve just bought her for Xmas 😅It’s a kind thought but maybe it’s best leaving the receipt so I can swap for a bigger size.

While we’re on it, nana, you know I don’t drink and never have. Please stop buying me a bottle of wine for Christmas! You don’t even drink yourself! 😂

fairymary87 · 16/12/2023 23:53

Honestly these grandparents have lost the bloody pot!!!!!! I've had to have serious words with both Nanas! My child is getting so spoilt it needs to stop. I have that much crap for her i could open a nursery! She's not even two. So many things ready for donations and will be stored away for throughout the year!!! I think it's a joke. Anyone oh here being like oh but it's my grandchild, exactly, your grand child not your child. Stop crossing the line it's not your child!!!!

Mistlebough · 16/12/2023 23:53

I am going to be a granny and would much rather have honest kind communication than inadvertently make parents feel bad. I agree its soecial to buy your own child’s advent calendar, stocking etc and them doing the same makes it seem less special. Roll with it this year to keep the peace but next year early on ask DH to help manage it better. Just give them ideas for one big present and rest to savings. But don’t give them the whole list and make sure you get in first with what you want to buy them. Treat both sets of parents the same so consistent. Most people want a happy family all round so shouldn’t cause problems if explained gratefully. They sound very kind and generous though.