Help my inlaws have taken over christmas

[vanillaredbushtea]

Hear me out please. They are lovely. They love their grandchildren. However...

They've taken over Christmas. They've bought an advent calendar and given it to the kids on the 5th of December as if they wouldn't already have one! But theirs is bigger and better than ours.

They've given us "a few bits" for the stocking and I'm going to need a sack to give them all! Plus we had already bought stuff. What do I do?! I feel like they are taking away OUR job as parents. It's me isn't it I'm so ungrateful I know! How do I stop this!

They've only gone and bought 5 of the items on the Christmas list for the youngest leaving us with what.. some colouring pens.

Your mistake was giving them the whole list, I don't know why you would do that. They can hardly be blamed for buying off a list they were given! Choose yourself from the list what to allocate them.

As for advent calendars, that's normal too. DD has 3 this year, one from us, one from DM, one from MIL

Are the presents physically handed over by your inlaws or are they left under the tree?
I'm asking because if they are all from santa (like the stocking) aren't they saving you money by buying them for the children?

I'm very hard up and have to get almost everything second hand/nearly new. My inlaws have really kindly bought a few things off the children's lists but they will say they are from santa (even though given ay their house!)

You have them the list. They bought off it - I don't see the issue

Stocking stuff , can't it just be given as a presenter and not in stocking

Fc brings small pressie and stocking in our house

It's difficult to tread the right path as a grandparent. I love my DGC, love looking after them and spending time with them and treating them when they're with us. But I don't really want to spend huge amounts of money on gifts for them when they already have a playroom bursting at the seams with toys. But the other grandparents buy them loads of stuff and therefore if we just buy them one toy or game it looks mean. It's not always easy!

My in-laws love Christmas and have extra to the DCs that was not needed

Extra advent calendars we thanked them and then I emptied the chocolates straight into the DCs treat boxes where they were appreciated without having multiples around the house

When the gifts were overwhelming some got put away for later, some were regifted to charity and I did hold firm on spreading out opening after one year when the DCs were just ripping paper and throwing the contents to one side without even acknowledging as they were so fatigued with the mass.

Since then I have encouraged more practical gifts such as clothes / toiletries as they do get used and appreciated and that has helped redirect the very good intentions

Just tell them, no mistakes can be made then.

My MIL is a miser, if she doesn't get an invite for Christmas, the kids don't get gifts, but that's fine with me!

The presents under the tree aren't from santa in this house. He only doest the stockings

My mum went over the top with Christmas last year so this year I gave her a separate list of ideas for what my dd would like and my siblings did the same.
My mum asked about stocking fillers and I said we were doing the stocking but if she really wanted she could do a little Christmas Eve box and we could come up with small ideas for that.
She asked to buy a chocolate advent calendar which I was fine with, it’s just a little chocolate treat.

I think for next Christmas you and your dh could be a little more specific with her about the arrangements
and decide who is buying what.

I don’t think you’re ungrateful but try look at it from a different perspective- you have family who adore your children and want to be a main part in their lives. Your children are in fact very lucky- that’s how I choose to look at it last year.

Ah in that case I see what you mean, they are getting credit for your ideas or for what they actually want.

I’m a grandparent and it wouldn’t occur to me to buy an advent calendar for a small GC, but the teenage GDs want beauty ones which cost ££s - so the parents are pleased to leave that one to me! We get a list and are told what the little ones would like - this year it was something 2nd hand off eBay for the 3 year old and clothes for the 5 year old. The teenagers however had a list as long as your arm so I pick one thing from that ( usually cosmetics or clothes) and top it up with welcome cash or store vouchers. I suggest you just give the GPs a list of what they should get- makes life easier.

Multiple advent calendars is fine IMO, my mum and MIL both got one for DD so she has 2 this year. I didn’t end up getting her one but if I did then she would have just had 3. She wouldn’t mind, she’s so excited to open them. If you don’t want multiple then donate them to the food bank or just eat the chocolate yourself.

When family ask what my DC would like I just tell them 1 gift that I know is within their budget and they will get that. They might get a few stocking stuffers/ bits alongside it which is absolutely fine with me. My mum gets DC gift vouchers (might stop this once they are abit older and want toys) and then a few little presents. If they want to choose themselves then giving them a reduced list to choose from is the best idea.

Give your DC the stocking fillers this year, you could put them in a gift bag and label from MIL if you don’t want to say they are from you. In future when your MIL gives you the stocking fillers ask her to please give them from herself alongside her gift as you are already sorted. Or if you don’t want to do this donate them to charity.

I do understand as my mum went OTT with presents the first year my DD was born with a massive Santa sack and it was too much (no where to put it all for a start). It was the only year she did this as she said herself it’s too much and myself and DH should have the job/ fun of being Santa.

If the above fails then your DH just needs to tell them.

This is my MIL and she's bonkers! Every year she gets a huge sack with all the gifts 'from Santa'. It used to really confused our DC as they knew Santa had already been and left their presents under the tree, had the mince pie etc...She tried to spin this elaborate tale that Santa visits for them also at her house. We knocked that one on the head. I'm sure her heart was in the right place but she massively oversteps.

Totally supportive to your feelings! We had the same issue but luckily my DH saw it off in a nice way. He explained to his dad that I'd already brought the kids new pjs for Xmas eve but the kids could wear theirs on Xmas day if they wanted to. He happily and loudly exclaimed 'oh look kids, grandma has made you up a lovely stocking too as well as the one santa left! We give a tactical Xmas list with presents from us or a main santa ask removed and make sure to share in the run up things that we've planned. The grandparents get to love and spoil their kids, however we stay happy.

This, it’s the only way. “Oh how kind of you, but I hope you’ve kept the receipts, we’ve already bought these”.

Op I get it. I try to hold back ideas from the ILs but they ask the kids directly.

I'm hoping I don't end up with multiple Nerf guns in the house this year. Its all LO has said he wants. I've tried to say we've got it. We don't need many more than we already have. 1 will be plenty!

How you manage it.
Re-label Stockings from Santa if you have exactly the same / similar things then keep one, and return / move on the similar one.

My DS has three advent calendars - the one I got him, the one school gave him, and the one my mum beautifully made for him. I’m so grateful.

You cocked up with the list. You are only meant to give them a list of things you’d be happy for them to buy. My parents, ILs and friends ask for ideas for my DS - I wouldn’t tell them something that I’m planning on getting him, and then get annoyed when they get it!

My MIL went from the extreme of wanting to be the person who did all the grandchildren’s stockings (and assuming the parents would step aside while she did this) to suddenly dropping it altogether without saying anything. So I don’t think it’s mean to draw up your boundaries and do things the way you want. Help the inlaws find their place in that in a way you are comfortable.

@vanillaredbushtea i too think the advent calendar is not too bad. A huge sackful of gifts “for the stocking” is more of an issue. Agree do not share the lists with them until after you and DH have decided what you and Santa are getting them
My MIL was so excited when we had our first that she went totally over the top. She had just about bought one of everything in the early learning centre. Presents were opened over four days as little one was overwhelmed with grandmas excitement.
Then she got upset when we said we couldn’t take it all back with us - it wouldn’t all fit in the car boot for the four hundred mile trip back to ours. I really wish we had had the talk then about limiting gifts instead it only got tackled head on about ten years later when MIL got very upset. “I just want them to enjoy christmas” when we were saying they enjoy seeing you and playing with a couple of new games, they don’t need tons of stuff.

I know my Sister in law has a long list and then sends us all a shorter list for our nephews maybe you could do that!!

Im so you’ve been made to feel awful so hopefully you’ll be able to sort it for next year!!

dm has started copying what i send my dd also,
this year i didnt really have a discussion

One year my eldest most wanted the "dolly with the little bath from Early Learning Centre." MIL asked what she could buy and i gave details of said doll.
Christmas day arrived and MIL gave her a doll from Home Bargains. Oh dear.

I'm a grandmother myself now and it's baby's first Christmas. I'm lucky that they live near and I talk to DD about what they want us to do.

I'm thinking ahead to what my role is now as a nan and looking forward to craft and baking and films (Muppet Christmas Carol etc.) I'll be trying to let DD and SIL do the whole Father Christmas thing and definitely won't buy sacks of tat they don't need.

My grandparents didn't have the money and I got gifts like a petticoat, box of Maltesers, bath salts/cubes from them but that was quite a long time ago!

You can’t hand back presents as it would be extremely upsetting and cruel. Let the grandparents buy the calendars next year and suggest a few stocking presents they could contribute as well as a main present. They aren’t really taking over, they are just enthusiastic and showing their love for their grandchildren. The kids won’t be kids forever and the grandparents won’t always be around forever either so I’d let it go.

What happened with the wishlist presents? I would (and do!) accept the advent calendar and the stocking fillers, fine. But there is no way I'd be ok with grandparents on either side doing the bulk of the wishlist. Surely you already had it bought?

Definitely next year give them one big present to buy and don't tell them the rest. Did you give them the wishlist? Did they misinterpret that and think it was just for them? I think it would have been fine not to accept them with an "oh dear! We've already bought all this! They are our main presents to her, would you bring yours back and exchange for X?" with a hug and a smile, but perhaps it's too late for that now.

Ours are very good at not overstepping but they do like to buy lots of toys and then come sit in our house and say we have too much 🤯

No. Dh cocked up with the list

@vanillaredbushtea I'd get DH to have next year's conversation earlier than you'd think, maybe July/August as some people start picking stuff up from September