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Original poster

Help my inlaws have taken over christmas

112 replies

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:01

Hear me out please. They are lovely. They love their grandchildren. However...

They've taken over Christmas. They've bought an advent calendar and given it to the kids on the 5th of December as if they wouldn't already have one! But theirs is bigger and better than ours.

They've given us "a few bits" for the stocking and I'm going to need a sack to give them all! Plus we had already bought stuff. What do I do?! I feel like they are taking away OUR job as parents. It's me isn't it I'm so ungrateful I know! How do I stop this!

They've only gone and bought 5 of the items on the Christmas list for the youngest leaving us with what.. some colouring pens.

OP posts:
Forestdweller11 · 17/12/2023 00:02

Personally I don't think you can have too many advent calendars... Child has three one from aunt, one from gran and one from parents. Plus there's one at grans house as well for DC to open. I treated myself to a nice one as well.

Ref the presents. - in future only suggest a shortened list.

Stocking stuff - stick it in a pillowcase or a box.

Is there any scope for stocking at grandparents? Maybe in the boxing day? Or convert into Christmas eve box? Or can it be ' discovered' a few days later? Dropped by FC?

If the DC get what they want whom ever it is from then that's a win really and you've saved a few bob, plus the DC will just want to play with the boxes anyway ...

Ahwig · 17/12/2023 00:04

My grandsons other grandparents were all about big showy gifts. We didn't have that kind of money but actually looking back ( my grandson is an adult now) he doesn't remember the big showy gifts. He remembers helping my husband to " build" his scooter. We took photos of the process ending with him and grandad proudly holding up their screwdrivers with said put together scooter in the background. It was a very basic scooter but every time he comes over he looks at the photos proudly displayed and smiles and makes a comment about them.

Theunamedcat · 17/12/2023 00:07

Been there done that I gave the grandparents a reduced list of the sort of thing the kids wanted howwver they saw what we bought (a large train set) and decided to buy two more large train sets then cried and told us we would have to take them home with us as they didn't see their grandchildren often (they were always busy when we suggested a visit) I refused and said they would be a great treat when they visited I killed them with kindness saying no keep them here the kids will enjoy them (they really were fucking HUGE) my husband thought I had lost the plot but I said unless you want a house cluttered up with huge multiples gifts back me up eventually they bought them over to us (mil hated clutter wanted them out) the kids didn't play with them as they were really too big but the following year we got a sensible offering....and five advent calenders EACH 🥴

pizzaHeart · 17/12/2023 00:09

lf4 · 16/12/2023 22:47

Hand them back and say this is really kind of you but we are already organised for the stockings, thank you.

Same with any larger gifts off the wishlist "as you know these are the things dc asked for which we have already purchased" then just leave it at that.

The mistake you're making is literally accepting the stuff from them, that's what makes them think it is fine and they are doing something right.

This.^

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/12/2023 00:11

Simple communication error here.

Just talk to them and plan accordingly.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to be jealous over an advent calendar though.

Theunamedcat · 17/12/2023 00:11

I fo think with my exes family there is a kind of weaponised incompetence one year mil was adamant she wanted to buy ds clothing she INSISTED she wanted clothing ideas for him I was quite easy going and said anything but a coat he has three here are his sizes crack on, she bought him a coat and told sil to buy him a coat too even helped her choose one from the shop after she had bought one for ds herself

I was baffled

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 00:19

I have two children and I absolutely love now and used to love buying them Christmas presents. One of them is now having a child and there's no way on this earth that I would take that pleasure away from them.

locomum83 · 17/12/2023 00:22

Gazelda · 16/12/2023 22:56

My (sadly deceased) MIL did this.

I was offended at first, then decided it wasn't worth falling out with her so asked her to keep the advent calendar, extra stocking etc at her home for DD to enjoy when she went there.

I told her a few main items to choose from, keeping the ones from DD's wish list for me and DH to gift.

MIL enjoyed telling DD that Father Christmas had been to her home and had left some gifts for DD.

It all worked out well for us. Everyone was happy. DD and MIL adored each other and had a very special bond. It was very important to DH and I that they were close, as both of us knew the incredible value a relationship with grandparents can be.

I hope you manage to find a solution you can all be happy with. I realise I was lucky with MIL that she was reasonable in agreeing to our suggestions rather than insisting on continuing to overstep.

This is lovely, I'm so sorry you lost your dear MIL , but I understand, grandparents adore their little grand babies so much and want to share in their Christmas excitement, it's been 30 years since they've had that themselves and it's like they have another chance to share in the magic. I suppose the first year my first child had Christmas I felt a little overwhelmed with the grandparents too but I realised that their Christmases are numbered now, and the grandchildren adore them, so just let them be spoiled. There will come a day they won't be there to spoil them and that will be so missed.

Lavenderandbrown · 17/12/2023 00:36

Op my DM used to tell me as an adult how much she resented her MIL showing up the day before Easter with a basket. What usurp Easter bunny??? So for next year how about you and dh talk with both GP and firmly establish…one gift per child. One. Any other $ should be placed in savings account in child’s name with GP as account manager. All the children I am around have plenty of toys and literally need for nothing. Too much $ spent on stuff that simply does get lost and forgotten about or outgrown but that slowly growing bank account can be used for something important in their future. Holidays birthdays or other special days….One special gift one bank deposit.

WeWishYouAMerryChristmas2023 · 17/12/2023 00:37

lf4 · 16/12/2023 22:47

Hand them back and say this is really kind of you but we are already organised for the stockings, thank you.

Same with any larger gifts off the wishlist "as you know these are the things dc asked for which we have already purchased" then just leave it at that.

The mistake you're making is literally accepting the stuff from them, that's what makes them think it is fine and they are doing something right.

How bloody rude! It would be much kinder to have an adult conversation long before Christmas, it’s not difficult.

@vanillaredbushtea we always ask for a wishlist from each of the DGC for Christmas but their parents give us a little list after they’ve decided what they’re getting. To be honest they get so much for Christmas we prefer to get a few smaller gifts and buy tickets for days out throughout the year or tickets to a panto or other Christmassy events for them. We’ve also bought things like swings or garden play things the children could have fun with in the better weather.

Lavenderandbrown · 17/12/2023 00:38

that reads a bit awkward…I was an adult when she was still talking about it and my mother was not a complainer but she really impressed me with don’t steal
santas or Easter bunny or tooth fairy or parents thunder when it come to holiday surprises.

WeWishYouAMerryChristmas2023 · 17/12/2023 00:47

They had their turn with their own kids

I absolutely hate this being trotted out on MN. When your child has their own child as a grandparent you love your grandchild just as much as your own. While I agree with a few posters that you’re not the parent but you do want gift that child at Christmas. Not all grandparents want to take the place of parents. Perhaps they’re just over excited and perhaps that grandchild enriches their life? It can be a very happy balance but there’s no need to be childish about it.

caringcarer · 17/12/2023 00:57

I have 2 DGS's. They have 4 sets of grandparents and 2 great grandparents. My DD and SiL think of 6 gifts each DC would like and we can each only buy 1 of these gifts. We can buy 1 piece of clothes each if we want to. I bought both DGC a new dressing gown. Each set of grandparents can buy a couple of stocking fillers if they want to. I bought a wooden game of naughts and crosses for the youngest and a game of solitaire for the eldest and Spot the Elf and Spot the Reindeer books like Where's Wally. You need to be firmer with grandparents and tell them 1 main toy, 1 piece of clothes and if they want 1 or 2 stocking fillers per DC.

WandaWonder · 17/12/2023 01:01

We give our child what we want to and relatives do the same I give our child more credit to realise they can have things off everyone and enjoy Christmas it is not a competition

WhatNoUsername · 17/12/2023 01:06

You can't make "rules" for grandparents ffs. They aren't your children. They want to form their own relationship with their grandchildren and that should be fostered. Those relationships are really important. I really valued them for my DC. I wanted them to have lots of people that loved them and lots of influences in their life. You need to let those relationships flourish on their own. You can't micromanage them.

I agree with PP in suggesting that perhaps the advent calendar is left at their house if they live nearby and see the children a lot. They then get to see the children open it which is I am sure they would love. You should NOT hand back presents. They would be really fucking rude. There's nothing wrong with having a sack or a stocking (my DS often had a sack instead of a stocking if I accidentally went overboard!!) or you could pop them under the tree as others have suggested. In future years decide what you are buying then give some options to the grandparents. Easy. Keeps everyone happy!

converseandjeans · 17/12/2023 01:07

Mine have 4 advent calendars this year & MIL always does stocking - so they get 2 stockings.

Just get other gifts & put money into savings if you are worried they will get too much stuff.

Just give them shortened version of the list in future. You sound a bit ungrateful.

overwhelmed2023 · 17/12/2023 01:08

Communication!! They sound devoted so just make sure they know what you've got!!

stardust40 · 17/12/2023 01:11

2 advent calendars -no biggie! Could you ask them to do a Christmas Eve box so they have their own focus?! Sounds lovely to have people who clearly love your children

HoHoHoliday · 17/12/2023 01:13

I get that they are kind and generous and the kids are lucky to have such nice grandparents, but this would drive me mad! Too late for this year, but next autumn you need to have a conversation - get it in early before any thoughts of shopping happen. Be kind, but firm. Explain that if they need some ideas for gifts you will be happy to give some suggestions from the kids lists, but point out that in previous years the kids have been overwhelmed with so much stuff, and could they keep the number of gifts to a reasonable level - this is the time to point out that you and DH will be filling the stocking and you are looking forward to doing it, just as they did for their kids. You can also explain you are looking forward to choosing their advent calendars and that you know one is enough. Perhaps you can suggest that you know they are so excited about being involved with the kids leading up to xmas and it might be nice for them to do an outing with the kids to a pantomime or somewhere instead of additional presents.

Lydia59 · 17/12/2023 01:14

They can relive the magic of early Christmases by giving thoughtful gifts from them. Nobody is saying that grandparents can’t get their grandchildren anything. I agree with OP here- doing the stockings is a special job for parents to do- grandparents have had their turn now they need to step back.

WandaWonder · 17/12/2023 01:28

Lydia59 · 17/12/2023 01:14

They can relive the magic of early Christmases by giving thoughtful gifts from them. Nobody is saying that grandparents can’t get their grandchildren anything. I agree with OP here- doing the stockings is a special job for parents to do- grandparents have had their turn now they need to step back.

If my child was given a stocking from their grandparents and we gave them one they would have 2 stockings

This is a good thing and I would thank the grandparents

kwetu · 17/12/2023 01:30

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:44

Thank you. Do you think if DH spoke to them in October and said don't worry about the stocking this year we will sort them. Firmly but politely. Would that be OK? And for the list I think we should decide what we want to get and give them a selected edit of the rest

Sounds like a perfect plan.

locomum83 · 17/12/2023 01:31

stardust40 · 17/12/2023 01:11

2 advent calendars -no biggie! Could you ask them to do a Christmas Eve box so they have their own focus?! Sounds lovely to have people who clearly love your children

Lovely idea actually with the Christmas Eve boxes, chance to really go to town, this could be their special thing

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/12/2023 01:45

Bookworm1111 · 16/12/2023 22:50

Why are you giving them a list of ALL the presents? You should be taking off the best ones for you and your DH to give them, then divvy up the rest between all grandparents and other family members. I also agree with other PP - your DH should hand back stocking presents and say “we’ve got their stockings covered thanks”.

Edited

This. Ask them to get, say, two substantial gifts per child and emphasise nothing more. If they really want to spend more, money in a savings account.

coxesorangepippin · 17/12/2023 01:46

Enjoy it?

I wish someone would do that for my kids!

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