Help my inlaws have taken over christmas

[vanillaredbushtea]

Hear me out please. They are lovely. They love their grandchildren. However...

They've taken over Christmas. They've bought an advent calendar and given it to the kids on the 5th of December as if they wouldn't already have one! But theirs is bigger and better than ours.

They've given us "a few bits" for the stocking and I'm going to need a sack to give them all! Plus we had already bought stuff. What do I do?! I feel like they are taking away OUR job as parents. It's me isn't it I'm so ungrateful I know! How do I stop this!

They've only gone and bought 5 of the items on the Christmas list for the youngest leaving us with what.. some colouring pens.

Its my first Christmas as a Mum and I lost my Dad this year so my in laws are the only Grandparents my little girl will remember so they can do whatever they like as they won’t be around forever!

Who cares if they get two stockings? MIL still sends us advent calendars!!

I'm guilty of this to some degree. I'm forever finding things for the grandchildren and buy them. However I don't keep them for Christmas I just give them as I go.

Last year however, DD was hosting and DH took over. It probably didn't help that we were ill. As a result DD is refusing to come to Christmas this year.

Op I wanted my dd to have and enjoy the picture advent calendar, we got her beautiful ones until mil (who had no idea about our advent calender) gave her the dirt cheap Cadbury one and ruined it.

For some bizzare reson she decided to give Advent calender. So we donate them either to food bank or charity. We had to switch to choclate of course but I couldn't understand it without asking us.

As others have said, control info and give stuff away next year definitely get ahead of it.

Communication is the key, as always. I'm a grandmother- every year I talk to my adult children In November, and they tell me what the children would like to get. Situation sorted. I'd advise doing the same.

Does it matter who gives what? If they've duplicated gifts take yours back and save yourself the money. Honestly ,dc juatcwant presents they couldn't care less who they came from.

My mum wouldn't do this.

That was me.

Thanks

Same

Maybe put the stocking stuffers your in-laws bought into a charity, there are tons of toy drives for underprivileged children around. Sadly you learned the hard way to never put all the ideas on a list to give to anybody. It happened to my friend, her dc received a few doubles of gifts that year! Luckily she had not put down the main gifts that she and her dh planned at least.
Buy a reusable wooden advent calendar in the sales and you can casually tell mil about it. You can put anything inside the drawers of those ones. (They are much better anyways in my opinion).

Be pleased they care so much. And are probably trying to help. As pp said give specific ideas next year. And Don’t hand any gifts back, they will be so hurt.

My in-laws did this except it was when the first precious grandchild was still in my stomach!! They came to stay when I was about six months gone and asked if they could buy one thing for the baby. I was already uncomfortable because mil had knitted several items already and paid for the pram and I had bought nothing for the baby at this point. So I suggested they could buy "a toy". Livid when they reappeared hours later with 5 bags from momma and papas....they had had to ask directions from a stranger to even find it in a retail park I'd never been to!! They had bought literally everything a baby could need including a bunch of baby tech that turned my stomach then and still would now because I'm a bit hippy dippy.

I agree it was very hurtful. I was shocked how much. Felt like a takeover. We kept one cuddly toy and took the rest back. I'm sure they realised but they never said anything.

I would fully back you returning some of the presents if you want.

Ok I get it I'm awful they do care so much. I think others get how I'm feeling. I love that they care I do. I just need to channel it somehow. I love the wooden advent calendar idea. But yes I think DH just needs to communicate next year. To the person who mentioned my mum, she asked each and everytime she was going to do something that might be a "first" until I told her she didn't need to! I think she'd experienced her own mum trying to do things like give us haircuts from what she's said.

‘Thankfully, she’s not around to cause trouble anymore’- Merry Christmas.

So many families would be so glad of the extra gifts
Give to a food bank what you don't want
I would of loved to have this problem
Some people can't afford gifts this year , because they are so busy trying to pay bills and an enthusiastic grandparent in the gift department would be a good send .
Why not ask your local church or school if there are some families in need and pass on some stockings and gifts

I think some people haven't had experience of GPs who want to be bigger and better and #1 for the grandkids. Of course you get to set your own Christmas traditions. Maybe let it go this year and plan ahead for next year.

Explain that it's important to your own traditions that the parents do the stocking and advent calendar. Give them a list for the children minus what you want to get them.

They have had their turn to set their traditions and do it their way. Now you get to do the same. Honouring that doesn't have to mean they are excluded or can't enjoy being grandparents at Christmas.

I think the extra presents thing is fair enough and easily fixed.

I think you are being a bit mean over the advent calendar. Lots of kids have more than one and it doesn't diminish the one you've bought. Do you really think your child will HATE having two? Children are perfectly capable of appreciating that one is from mummy and daddy and one is from granny, and isn't that lovely that they have a physical reminder that so many people care about them?

Sorry these gps are being selfish. They have had their years as Mum and Dad and you now in that position. First year I talked to my daughter. Each year I buy an outfit and one present to open on the day, usually a family game. Then I give a generous check and they can buy what is needed, one year it was a wooden toy box. Any money left is for dgc’s bank. They live in a small house and it is only fair that they have the pleasure of buying off the list and doing stocking and advent calendar. It is not about me and my needs

I would just be grateful and hope they continue to be so generous when. you have teenagers who have the most incredible wish lists inspired by TikTok

I have teenage stepkids.

As a first time grandma it makes me very sad to see these grandparent actions viewed so negatively, when they are most likely fine with love and excitement. I think communication is key. My children and grandchild are staying here on Christmas Eve and I normally do stockings for everyone staying but I checked first as I knew they may want to do his 1st Christmas- and we have worked it all out together. I got him an advent calendar ( black and white baby one) but it stayed here and we played with it here.
i would be very upset if presents were returned, but fine if asked if they could stay here.

@ChequerboardCharlie You sound lovely, and very caring. You asked and you've worked it out together. I agree we need to communicate better. I think I have assumed too much that they'd think hang on I best check with the parents.

It reads like you had loads of unwritten rules but never actually told your in-laws about any of them, so you kind of set them up to fail, really.

I’ve been there OP and I felt exactly as you did, they kept trying to steal all the ‘firsts’ and it didn’t seem to occur to them that as parents we’d want to buy the main Christmas presents for our children. I remember when MIL bought a horrible cheap coat for my first baby before I had a chance to get the one I wanted from Joules, and she used to turn up with a new outfit every week but always horrible stuff from Home Bargains or Poundland, and it used to really upset me because I wanted to choose DDs clothes and we kept telling them we only had a small house and we didn’t have space for all the tat they were buying, so in the end I refused to accept the next massive bag of crap they turned up with and she did get upset but she got over it.

Now we carefully unwrap their gifts the night before and remove anything unsuitable. MIL has got a real thing about quantity over quality and the children were getting overwhelmed opening hundreds of presents that as well as gigantic expensive toys would also turn out to be things like a packet of Kleenex wrapped up, or a tube of toothpaste, and then they’d get upset, but at least MIL could say she’d given the most (and she always checks that she’d given more than anyone else 🙄)

Fantastic. Hand over a job to them. I would have loved my parents or in-laws to have helped me.

Next year just be organised. Perhaps you could give them free rein over the stocking or the Christmas Eve box. Cross it off your list of things to do.

I would so have loved having one less thing to organise. Stop competing and make the most of them being kind enough to be involved.

By planning, you are still in control.

There really is enough Christmas to go around!

I have this.
It can be overwhelming - if I get one more steiff bear/animal I'll scream.
I have come to accept the money down the drain on overpriced poor quality JoJo stuff.

Part of the answer for me was information management and part was gift management.

I now just give mil one "expensive option" for birthday and Christmas and suggest clothes if she wants to buy something else.
In fairness she generally buys EXACTLY the thing requested. This year it was a microscooter.
she still buys other random crap but it's on a reduced scale.

She still buys weird bonus stuff which I "process" quietly. It's regifted resold or donated.
With stocking fillers I'd try and put some away and either use as rainy day toys or gifts for other children.