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Original poster

Trying to compromise on Xmas decs

87 replies

Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 20:23

DH & I are having our annual argument about the Xmas decs. The back story is that before we lived together, he didn't put his decorations up at home or if he did, he did it really late. I've always put mine up around 16th December - I like to have most of my shopping done and spend the day wrapping presents, watching Xmas films and putting the decs up. Since we have lived together, we have had an annual row about decorations. He jokes about putting them up in October although with my DH when he says things like this, he often isn't joking.

This year, when the row began, he thought about it and offered to alternate years. I appreciated the compromise and said that's fine but not before December. He reckons that this means I'm not compromising. However, it is still earlier than I would like and we have been putting them up early in December for years now.

It's a stupid argument but I'm not willing to have them up in November. It makes me really angry that this seems to be so important to him but he never said before we lived together. I'm religious and he isn't so personally, I like to give advent some space.

Does anyone have ideas or advice?

OP posts:
carddino · 15/10/2023 20:26

I'm a bit tired but don't really follow.

He likes to put them up late. But wants to put them up early just to piss you off?

When it's you who puts them up at a sensible point each year?

I think you have a DH problem. That's not kind really is it.

00100001 · 15/10/2023 22:03

Why has he changed to wanting them earlier?

Original poster
Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 22:14

@carddino he wants to put them up in November and that's far too early as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:
musicalfrog · 15/10/2023 22:21

Sounds like he's baiting you.

Devilsmommy · 15/10/2023 22:21

@Newmum738 1st of December is when I put mine up. Would he compromise for that instead?

Nonplusultra · 15/10/2023 22:31

I think you both need to understand each other’s why, and also what it means to each of you to have decorations up early.

I’m still haunted by my dm’s attitudes that it’s not respectable to decorate too early or decorate the outdoors. I’m secretly envious of the joyous abandon of those who have them up from October to March!

Maybe there are other ways to compromise. I winterise my home in stages bringing out the blankets, changing to heavier bedding and brushed cotton covers, adding more and more candles as the evenings get darker. The actual Christmas decorations won’t come out until December but there’s a lovely cosy hygge vibe developing.

Original poster
Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 22:39

Devilsmommy · 15/10/2023 22:21

@Newmum738 1st of December is when I put mine up. Would he compromise for that instead?

I tried that but he said that it isn't a compromise 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 15/10/2023 22:42

@Newmum738 ok, well say ok I'll compromise to let them go up in November, then tell him November 29/30th🤣 that way it's as close to December as you can get whilst still technically being in November which is what he wants 😉

GrumpyPanda · 15/10/2023 22:50

If you're religious you must know advent is technically a fasting period? We still stick with advent candles on a wreath, going from one to four with each Sunday of advent. Tree and decorations go up the 23rd/morning of the 24th and it's lit for the first time after sundown on Christmas eve. Then again, we've stuck with live candles so would like to avoid burning down the house with a dried out tree 😁

Sux2buthen · 15/10/2023 22:57

He's right. If you alternate it should be your way one year and his the next

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 23:03

I think he needs to look up the meaning of two words.

  1. Christmas
  2. Compromise
lunar1 · 15/10/2023 23:12

I'm not sure you know what alternating means.

lugeanjaam · 15/10/2023 23:14

Does any of this matter in the big scheme of things? If it makes him happy to get into the spirit of Christmas early then let him go for it. It's so not worth the argument.

Original poster
Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 23:21

@lugeanjaam I agree it's a stupid thing to be arguing about. It doesn't seem worth the marriage to me but it's hard to understand it is now so important to him when it wasn't before he lived with me. He could see the way I prepare for Xmas and never said anything. Now he seems willing to let the marriage breakdown because of it. Recently, he has been saying it's for DS but he doesn't care. What he wants most is parents who are together!

OP posts:
LeefsPrings · 15/10/2023 23:22

Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 22:39

I tried that but he said that it isn't a compromise 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

He wants a compromise, you've offered one and he says it's not a compromise. Can he not see the irony in that?

I suspect that to him, a 'compromise' means that he needs to win the argument.

Original poster
Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 06:20

@Sux2buthen that's true if I agree to the compromise. Early December is still a compromise.

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 16/10/2023 06:57

To be honest this is the weirdest couple dispute I've ever heard of . Have you not been married long ?
We usually go for first w/e in Dec ,it's not difficult to casually agree what your family does .
It does sound like he is on the wind up which is not nice really .

00100001 · 16/10/2023 07:25

There's got to be more to this than just when a bit of plastic is put up if you're talking about divorce...

JaninaDuszejko · 16/10/2023 07:34

@Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 DH and I regularly disagree about when to put up tree (just by a week depending when Christmas falls) so it doesn't surprise me, although @Newmum738 's argument seems more intransigent.

1st Dec seems a reasonable compromise or as @Nonplusultra suggests slowly adding wintery decorations (which we do over December) rather than doing it all at once. Or leaving him to it and see how much he actually does.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 16/10/2023 07:38

00100001 · 16/10/2023 07:25

There's got to be more to this than just when a bit of plastic is put up if you're talking about divorce...

Edited

Agreed. He's baiting you, and being unpleasant to you for kicks. That isn’t something people do to those they care about, and this is not a good marriage.

CheerfulYank · 16/10/2023 07:41

I’m American so I like to put mine up right after Thanksgiving, at the end of November.

But that’s irrelevant…surely there must be more to it if you’re talking divorce?

Parker231 · 16/10/2023 07:42

Stupid thing to argue about. You decide one year and he decides the next. You’re both being ridiculous.

Shewhobecamethesun · 16/10/2023 07:44

I agree with you dh, you do sound quite controlling and uptight in this. Why not let him put them up in October just for one year? He will get bored of then by Christmas and then he will no not to put them up that early in future.
But honestly, throw caution to the wind and go crazy for once. The world won't end because you have Christmas decorations up in November

octodrive · 16/10/2023 07:45

it's hard to understand it is now so important to him when it wasn't before he lived with me.

It's about him being in control.

Very easy to let this one go because it's 'just' about Christmas decorations but if you take a step back it's actually about him manipulating you into conforming.

SaracensMavericks · 16/10/2023 07:48

I think alternate years is the best solution to this particular argument. And you do have to let him do it whenever he likes when it's his turn.

However, I also agree with others that he seems to be deliberately trying to annoy you and that's not a kind thing to do. Is this really the only thing he does this about?