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Christmas

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Original poster

Trying to compromise on Xmas decs

87 replies

Newmum738 · 15/10/2023 20:23

DH & I are having our annual argument about the Xmas decs. The back story is that before we lived together, he didn't put his decorations up at home or if he did, he did it really late. I've always put mine up around 16th December - I like to have most of my shopping done and spend the day wrapping presents, watching Xmas films and putting the decs up. Since we have lived together, we have had an annual row about decorations. He jokes about putting them up in October although with my DH when he says things like this, he often isn't joking.

This year, when the row began, he thought about it and offered to alternate years. I appreciated the compromise and said that's fine but not before December. He reckons that this means I'm not compromising. However, it is still earlier than I would like and we have been putting them up early in December for years now.

It's a stupid argument but I'm not willing to have them up in November. It makes me really angry that this seems to be so important to him but he never said before we lived together. I'm religious and he isn't so personally, I like to give advent some space.

Does anyone have ideas or advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 08:53

JaninaDuszejko · 16/10/2023 07:34

@Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 DH and I regularly disagree about when to put up tree (just by a week depending when Christmas falls) so it doesn't surprise me, although @Newmum738 's argument seems more intransigent.

1st Dec seems a reasonable compromise or as @Nonplusultra suggests slowly adding wintery decorations (which we do over December) rather than doing it all at once. Or leaving him to it and see how much he actually does.

Religious beliefs are intransigent.

OP posts:

octodrive · 16/10/2023 09:03

Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 08:50

This has been an argument ever since we lived together. We had 2 Christmases before that and he never mentioned decorations being important to him. He is very aware of my religious beliefs.

I've managed to articulate myself why I'm so angry about it - a couple of years ago, we had consensual unprotected sec and I got pregnant. He then wanted me to get rid of the baby. In the end, I had a very traumatic miscarriage.

I think that if I can deal with that and stay married, he should be able cope with the fact I don't want decorations in November and respect that.

Why would you want to deal with that and stay married? He sounds awful.

3luckystars · 16/10/2023 09:07

It definitely sounds like this is triggering a past hurt and you will have to sort that out.

00100001 · 16/10/2023 09:11

Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 08:50

This has been an argument ever since we lived together. We had 2 Christmases before that and he never mentioned decorations being important to him. He is very aware of my religious beliefs.

I think that if I can deal with that and stay married, he should be able cope with the fact I don't want decorations in November and respect that.

The real reason is revealed.

It's not about the decorations.

VeridicalVagabond · 16/10/2023 09:14

And of course, the real reason is a massive drip feed.

This isn't and never has been about Christmas decorations.

2chocolateoranges · 16/10/2023 09:15

My dh couldn’t care less when they go up, he just goes up the loft to get them all down when asked. We have family birthdays the 1st week of December so normally go up after that.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/10/2023 09:15

Could he be dealing with past issues, maybe his parents didn't decorate and he wants to make it different for your dc? I would expect him to do all the work though in putting them up early.

Redskyatwhatever · 16/10/2023 09:18

When my DH and I got together I made it clear that I was a big fan of Christmas and went all out even as an adult. His family had a strong faith and celebrated Christmas in a more thoughtful way but he embraced my over the top Christmas as he knew it made me happy, he even buys me Christmassy gifts. Two DC’s and 2 DGC later he’s the one getting the Christmas stuff out of the loft at the end of November. He has other interests I’m not particularly bothered about but will get involved in as I know it makes him happy. Surely that’s what being married is all about?

Parker231 · 16/10/2023 09:20

It’s all about compromise in a marriage but the OP and her DH are having trouble doing this. Just do alternative years of a date the individual chooses.

Ragwort · 16/10/2023 09:24

Just let him crack on and put the decorations up .. you can concentrate on your church activities and focus on that, if he wants to put up some tacky plastic just leave him to it, you know how important celebrating the religious aspect of Christmas is for you so don't be distracted by the plastic tat.
We all have aspects of our marriage we have to compromise on (unless we are extremely fortunate) & it does seem crazy to be thinking about divorce because of Christmas decorations....

cheddercherry · 16/10/2023 09:34

It sounds like one of those arguments where it’s not about the thing at all (the decorations) it’s about how he treats you ie. Is he baiting you to cause an argument, (you said he put them up late until he lived with you and now must do it super early like “jokingly” October) he doesn’t seem to care about your beliefs/ your argument even if he doesn’t have a counter argument back, he just wants to “win”. You could leave him to it and not retaliate, grin through decs up in November, or you can ask why it’s so important to him to have a fight you can’t move past each year.

The annual Christmas decoration argument is a microcosm of your relationship the rest of the year, like most peoples Christmas’ seem to bring the bubbling niggling to the surface. Can you usually chat through and resolve things, the fact this is a recurring argument each year must be frustrating.

mondaytosunday · 16/10/2023 09:36

Knowing what battles to fight is one way to get along in any partnership. I loved getting the tree up first weekend in Christmas. My husband would have preferred later, but as I did all the work ( he helped pick the tree and get it up in the stand), he could hardly object. And it made the house look lovely - no 'plaster tat'!
It does seem as if your other issues has come focussed on this. If he'd like November and you want mid December then December 1 IS a compromise (get a calendar out to show him). But I'd be inclined to just say fine, you are welcome to put them up yourself. See if he bothers, and if he does, great, one chore off your list and you can always declare that as he did it early this year, next year not until the 15th of December!

Majbluemug · 16/10/2023 09:39

I love Christmas and try to do my shopping in October and November so I can really enjoy December. This is related to a few things, I worked in retail for too many years while studying post grad and after so it was a a hard season. My family of origin are so stressy at Christmas especially the run up. I have anxiety and depression I manage well with meds but make an effort to live purposefully.

Anyway that is probs more background than you need but I just wanted to emphasise I love Christmas but for the special time not the consumer elements. I do the house decorating in early December and then do the tree mid Dec as we have a real one. So could you do this?

Also another alternative, I'm a big fan of seasonal decorating. So this weekend I've made some pine cone and paper autumn leaf garlands, plus added a few extra sets of fairy lights. Could you do this as a compromise?

Majbluemug · 16/10/2023 09:41

Also if he is just trying to piss you off you he problems outside of the Christmas decorations.

Original poster

Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 09:56

This year, it's an issue because I'll be away the first weekend in December taking my mum who has dementia to Amsterdam because I had to stop her going to Italy earlier in the year and this is the compromise. He says he doesn't want to buy the tree without me or wait until I get back even though I've told him to crack on!

OP posts:

octodrive · 16/10/2023 10:00

The more you post the more you are showing him controlling and manipulating you. It's low level stuff but it will escalate. Watch your back with him. He isn't on your side, at all.

RoachFish · 16/10/2023 10:01

I'm Swedish and we put our decorations up on the first of advent (3rd Dec this year), except for the tree, that goes up on the 23rd. Then it all stays up until 20 days after Christmas eve and then we dance Christmas away.

cardibach · 16/10/2023 10:15

YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/10/2023 08:10

You sound incredibly joyless, what’s the need to put them up so late? Surely now you have a child you want to maximise the joy of Christmas? I’d be so unimpressed if my husband started dictating I couldn’t put the decs up before a certain date.

Maximising the joy of Christmas doesn't necessarily mean decs up for months on end. They are lovely but they drive me mad after a few weeks. I find more joy in Christmas being a short and special time.

cardibach · 16/10/2023 10:18

@Parker231 'with conditions' is what a compromise is. He wants October or November. She wants later December. Compromise is somewhere between which is defined by the two parties so 'yes, earlier if you like but not before December' is a compromise position.

CapturedLeprechaun · 16/10/2023 10:48

I think agree to the alternating thing. This year, they can go up whenever he wants, but it's his responsibility to get them down from the loft etc and put them up, next year you'll do it.

It means he's probably unlikely to start putting them up in Nov, but if he does, what's the harm in that really?!

CaptainMcDermott · 16/10/2023 11:03

This doesn't seem to be an argument about Christmas decorations but that he likes riling you up about it and gets some kind of kick out of it. I wonder does he do this with other things too? He isn't trying to set a date, merely throwing out months getting earlier and earlier. Why not July?

Suggesting Christmas decorations before Halloween or Bonfire night is just ludicrious and he would be in the teeny minority. Early December is a compromise from your 16th December which he knew about before you lived together. It wasn't like he came into this relationship with a set date for his decorations to go up.

I think you should tell him you are available to Christmas tree shop after your return from your trip with your Mum. I would be asking him why he is hell bent on making your life harder and more stressful and sucking the joy out of the Christmas period.

Minttee · 16/10/2023 11:22

He sounds like a prick, what man really gives a shit about Christmas decorations? Seems like if you wanted them up in October he'd want them up in December.
Decorations seem like the least of your problems. I'd tell him to put them up whenever he wants and have nothing to do with it.

literalviolence · 16/10/2023 11:26

Newmum738 · 16/10/2023 08:46

I didn't agree to alternate. He suggested it as a compromise and I said I would agree but they shouldn't go up before December.

Show quote history

but that's not agreeing to alternate. altrrnate would be one year doing it your way and the next year doing it his way. What you are suggesting here means he never gets it as he prefers and every other year you get it exactly as you prefer.

PinkRoses1245 · 16/10/2023 11:28

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 16/10/2023 06:57

To be honest this is the weirdest couple dispute I've ever heard of . Have you not been married long ?
We usually go for first w/e in Dec ,it's not difficult to casually agree what your family does .
It does sound like he is on the wind up which is not nice really .

This! So bizarre, and it really doesn't matter either way.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/10/2023 11:49

I agree with him!

One compromise is putting them up earlier than you'd like but later than he'd like (e.g. early Dec).

One compromise is alternating years doing your preference.

You are asking to have it your way one year, and a compromise between your dates one year. That isn't fair!

Either agree to alternate, and he can put them up when he wants on his year, or do early Dec every year.

It's the season of good will. Why not lean into it and just let your partner do something he enjoys at least some of the time?

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