Trying to compromise on Xmas decs

[Newmum738]

DH & I are having our annual argument about the Xmas decs. The back story is that before we lived together, he didn't put his decorations up at home or if he did, he did it really late. I've always put mine up around 16th December - I like to have most of my shopping done and spend the day wrapping presents, watching Xmas films and putting the decs up. Since we have lived together, we have had an annual row about decorations. He jokes about putting them up in October although with my DH when he says things like this, he often isn't joking.

This year, when the row began, he thought about it and offered to alternate years. I appreciated the compromise and said that's fine but not before December. He reckons that this means I'm not compromising. However, it is still earlier than I would like and we have been putting them up early in December for years now.

It's a stupid argument but I'm not willing to have them up in November. It makes me really angry that this seems to be so important to him but he never said before we lived together. I'm religious and he isn't so personally, I like to give advent some space.

Does anyone have ideas or advice?

I just don't understand why he's so hung up on sabotaging the Christmas devs and causing a row every year. He obvs doesn't really care about them given his lazy approach previously. Is he doing it just to be awkward! I suspect it's because it is important to you. Does he get his way on everything else/undermine you on other things?

Maybe before he lived with you he didn't see the point in decorating just for him. I never did, I didn't even have a tree, I put a tree and a few lights up now I'm with dh.

Now you have dc/live together maybe he wants to start the magic early or bother with it at all.

That's not that hard to understand, surely?

And you are being controlling.

If my dh said he wants to decorate in November I'd say crack on, get on with it.

Why do you care if they go up early? Just dont get involved if he tries to hunt for you to do it.

If this is the hill you are both dying on maybe you need a bit of marriage counselling or something because this isn't normal.

*hint

Just say fine but you are doing them! We stick to advent Sunday as the earliest date which sometimes falls in November. Mostly I leave it to the dc/dsd as they are adults now - I'm aware on holidays then so hoping they put them up for when we get back

If this is true then put them up on the 30th November. Close enough to the 1st for you and still November for him

Agree that he is trying to bait you though and so it’s more of a relationship issue than a Christmas one

Do alternate years, the person whose year it is is responsible for putting the decorations up.

From what you say of history, there's a high chance he won't get round to putting them up in November.

He sounds like an idiot, personally I wouldn’t mention it again and see if he puts them himself. If you don’t argue with him I’m pretty sure he’ll get bored of arguing with himself.

Can you get advent decorations instead? Not sure what they would be - some figures, donkey, a star? And then swap them/add Christmas decorations later.

I'd drop it for now tbh, and leave him to it. Tell him it's his year to decorate. And See what he does.

You sound incredibly joyless, what’s the need to put them up so late? Surely now you have a child you want to maximise the joy of Christmas? I’d be so unimpressed if my husband started dictating I couldn’t put the decs up before a certain date.

He definitely sounds like he's being awkward for the sake of it. Let him out them up in November ) whenever he wants) this year then say how nice it is and how much you like them. He probably won't bother again!

You shouldn't put them up before St Nicholas, which is 6th December.
And even then he gets to do the dusting until 12th Night.

Dear God, no pun intended. He’s being an arse, take your son and run for the hills. People who can’t compromise or think their being a smart arse do not make good parents or
partners.
Make this your last Christmas with him. It always starts with some as innocent as this.

What else does he bait you about?

So you agreed to alternate but then expected him to still do it pretty much your way on his year?

Before December is always daft IMO. But from 1st Dec (or the beginning of Advent, whichever comes first) I can’t get worked up about it. Ours don’t go up until at least about 10th Dec though - unless we’ve got guests in earlier Dec, in which case the tree (always real) and much of the rest, will go up anyway.

That is a good point! I should have calmly said I wasn't budging last night but I do get upset that he doesn't listen to me and we have to have the same argument every year.

I just like the joy to build. The Xmas season is more than decorations.

I didn't agree to alternate. He suggested it as a compromise and I said I would agree but they shouldn't go up before December.

This is all simple in Ireland, everyone puts them up the weekend the Toy Show is on the Tv.

Is there any chance he is saying ‘we should put them up’ but means ‘you will put them up and I will watch you’? Because if so, there’s an easy solution to that.

So basically you’ll only compromise with conditions?

This has been an argument ever since we lived together. We had 2 Christmases before that and he never mentioned decorations being important to him. He is very aware of my religious beliefs.

I've managed to articulate myself why I'm so angry about it - a couple of years ago, we had consensual unprotected sec and I got pregnant. He then wanted me to get rid of the baby. In the end, I had a very traumatic miscarriage.

I think that if I can deal with that and stay married, he should be able cope with the fact I don't want decorations in November and respect that.

It sounds like unresolved pain and resentment about the loss of your baby is the issue, nothing to do with decorations. 💐

So it's your way or the highway?

This is ridiculous.

You might need to look into getting some help for your control issues.