Trying to compromise on Xmas decs

[Newmum738]

DH & I are having our annual argument about the Xmas decs. The back story is that before we lived together, he didn't put his decorations up at home or if he did, he did it really late. I've always put mine up around 16th December - I like to have most of my shopping done and spend the day wrapping presents, watching Xmas films and putting the decs up. Since we have lived together, we have had an annual row about decorations. He jokes about putting them up in October although with my DH when he says things like this, he often isn't joking.

This year, when the row began, he thought about it and offered to alternate years. I appreciated the compromise and said that's fine but not before December. He reckons that this means I'm not compromising. However, it is still earlier than I would like and we have been putting them up early in December for years now.

It's a stupid argument but I'm not willing to have them up in November. It makes me really angry that this seems to be so important to him but he never said before we lived together. I'm religious and he isn't so personally, I like to give advent some space.

Does anyone have ideas or advice?

This is about so much more than Christmas decorations OP. Your comment about loosing your baby is heartbreaking - sorry for your loss.

Honestly have a good hard think about the whole relationship holistically please

I don't think 15 December is 'so late'. That gives you over 3 weeks of the decorations being up if they are taken down on Twelth Night. 50 days if they come down on Candlemas (although I would think all theneedles would be off the tree by that point!).

Wow how do either of you get anything done, you’re both so inflexible and incapable of seeing or being compassionate about the other persons side

It's a stupid argument but I'm not willing to have them up in November.
why. Who cares? Why would you care? Surely you just want your family to be happy

Ive said 1st December but apparently that isn’t a compromise
why isn’t December 1st a compromise to him, that’s 2 weeks earlier than what you want, it’s the definition of compromise.

I also think it’s really odd you’ve brought your termination into a discussion about Christmas decorations. it almost reads like he owes you one. Do you typically argue tit for tat?
are you both digging your heels in out of spite now?

I’m very sorry op I’ve just reread that it wasn’t a termination. Obviously that changes what I said and I’m sorry for your loss.

it really feels like you are not arguing about the Christmas decorations. You both need to think about the bigger picture here and not try to just ‘win’ the argument.
hope you can resolve this

We always put up our Xmas tree on December 18th because it was my parents wedding anniversary and that is what I've done all my life. My DH thinks it's too late and says it hardly worth putting our tree up so late. However I point out we have a real tree so if it went up early in December it would have lost all its needles by Xmas day. We compromise so he puts outside lights up December 1st but the tree goes up December 18th. Could you agree to him putting outside lights up early but keep Xmas tree until later in December?

I'm actually not asking for that. We've put them up early December for the last 5 years and I'm happy to continue with that and never have my own preference.

How about you both forget about Christmas decorations for a minute and have some counselling to deal with the actual issue? Because the fact that you’re both pretending that your marriage is breaking up over a bit of tinsel and some fairy lights is bloody ridiculous and is something that will never be understood by your child when he’s older. Can you imagine explaining this to him when he’s a teenager? How angry do you think he’ll be when you or your DH tells him that he has two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of friends etc because of Christmas decorations? You have to acknowledge the actual reasons.

Absolutely tragic situation to one side for a moment, both of you are being controlling and overly rigid. If you’re religious, then appreciate the advent for what it is, which is sod all to do with Norwegian Firs or baubles. Him putting decorations up should have zero impact on your faith. If it is having such an impact on your faith that you’re willing to break your marriage vows over it, then you need to speak to your vicar etc and ask him or her for guidance.

And he needs to look in the dictionary for the definition of compromise because it means that both of you have to shift from your starting position, not just you.

Putting aside the massive issues you seem to have in your marriage and just dealing with the question asked - can the compromise not be able WHAT decorations go up?

I start decorating the house around the middle of November, but it's often just smaller things. A wreath on the door, or a few less obviously Christmassy lights, the advent calendar or swapping the cushions and mugs for Xmas ones. It builds each weekend, the house getting more and more Christmasified until I get to the 15th Dec (ish) when the main tree is added as the final - and most important - aspect.

@Nagado that is good advice. Thanks!

Very well put

This drama was still going on last night so finally, I managed to have a communication breakthrough. He was being all touchy feely because he thinks it's funny so I told him I don't think it's funny and I'm sick of having the same argument for 7 years now despite compromising. He went off in a huff and after a bit, I went downstairs and explained - 'I'm willing to never have what I want ever again (I haven't for 5 years so thought this was done). Couldn't you do the same?' And it's all sorted (I think). Hopefully, we will never need to have this discussion again 🙈

Phew! Finally!