The 2023 Poncetastic Christmas Thread

[VivaJen]

Welcome to the 2023 Poncetastic thread. With a nod to Fellatio (wherever she may be) at the stroke of midnight, let the poncing commence.

"OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobs worth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapés and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessie’s' on the packet, this is not the thread for you".

Has anyone made Delia’s creole cake before? It looks lovely! Will be quite a few expensive alcohols to buy for it though. https://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/occasions/christmas/christmas-cakes-icings-and-toppings/creole-christmas-cake?amp

Can't you buy miniatures of the spirits?

That’s a good idea, some of them I would use again but I’ve never felt the need for cherry brandy….

@ManderleyFan - I’ve made it a couple of times. We really like it. I bought all of the booze as knew we would get through it all eventually. I figured it wouldn’t go off at least!

Thanks, that’s good to know!

Hello
Have been lurking for a while but I'm planning on crocheting some fairy lights for a garland on my half term hols
Going to use this - pattern - unless anyone knows a better easier one?

Hello everyone, this is my first foray onto a poncey Christmas thread but I know i'm going to fit right in. I've just found out that i'm doing Christmas dinner for the in laws. (It's cool, I love to host and usually I do it for my side but not this year) I'm a good cook, an overachiever and keen to make life unnecessarily difficult for myself. I'm planning to make my own cranberry sauce, am I in?

I've never cooked a turkey before so I beg of you, pass on your secret fail safe juicy turkey recipe/guide/how to instructions please! I cannot serve a dry, over cooked (or worse undercooked but I have a thermopen and will be neurotically using it) turkey. I'll be pre-making gravy using chicken wings etc so that'll be one less stress on my mind (any specific recipe recommendations for this welcomed too).

Oh and to contribute my own tip, i'll also be making this freaking gorgeous Date and Red Wine Sauce. DH doesn't like it which is insane because it is like crack to me. But hey, can't miss the gravy either so i'm doing both.

Hello!

Top tips for turkey (and really all you need):

If you don't already have a meat thermometer, get one. I expect you do if you're a good cook and an overachiever...Takes all the guesswork out of it.

Remember that the turkey can, and should, sit for at least an hour and a half, if not more, to rest. Cover with foil and tea towel and forget all about it. This then leaves ample time to cook roasties and sides.

Thank you for the sauce recipe, I think I'd like that a lot.

P.S. Urgh I just saw you have a thermopen! Missed that somehow. That's what we have and that's really all you need.

Follow a good guide on cooking times (Nigella/Delia/Gordon/whoever) and that's it.

That's a fab tip about resting it for so long, means I can heat plates as well as do the sides 😍

I totally relate- I am also keen to make life more difficult than it needs to be and always want it to be the best Christmas ever so am always putting pressure on myself to be extra(!) but last year scaled back the sides and was a lot happier for it. I have for many years gone with m&s turkeys brined in a dustbin a la nigella, but we all had Covid over Christmas last year and one of the kids had chicken pox as well so I had to accept defeat early on and swap for the luxury Iceland turkey (I know frozen turkey, on a had to defrost it) but it was the BEST EVER. I rate Jamie Oliver for the best Christmas books for make ahead stuff and the recipes in Genarros Italian bakery for Christmas are foolproof

Also, i'm getting a real tree for the first time! What do I need? A stand of some kind I guess. My mother has a tree skirt which covers the base?

How extra is this by the way, Scandi inpired DIY paper poncey baubles

So excited to have found you all!

I have 2 major questions:

Presumably you're all decorating the tables and there is table linen involved. Can anyone recommend somewhere good to get it from? My usual has been small childrened.

Has anybody got any really easy beginner crafts for Christmas? I will have said small children 'helping' and am still scarred by the year making the homemade Christmas cakes that got mashed.

My top tip is meringue style Christmas cake icing can be used to make amazing snowy scenes. My highlight was the year I bought a load of plastic animals and made a wintery scene with them then sprinkled with silver edible glitter. I have some tiny fairy lights to use this year so tempted to go again and maybe involve a model train to get totally out of hand...

My other planned craft is the wooden crate train someone recommended on here but I need to get wooden crates first. A carriage per person!
diyjoy.com/diy-craft-crate-choo-choo-train/

Love the idea of meringue icing, I’ve never done that so far. Crafts- some of my kids favourites: Hobbycraft have paper mache cones which they can paint and stick on gems
2d snow globes
Origami Christmas trees
pine cone owls
I have loads more- pm me if you want?

Brine your turkey for juicy roast!
7-8% brine (don't bother with aromatics) 24h.
Use a crown only for easiness.
Air dry overnight in the fridge (not covered)
Grease the bird (oil if you want crispy skin, butter if you like the flavour) can add herbs/garlic/spices here.

Heat the oven as hot as it gets, 20 mins, reduce temp to 170, cook until thermometer shows 63-64 degrees.
Take out, cover and rest.

For anything else cook ahead, freeze or buy premade.
Roasties, mash, red cabbage, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing, pigs in blankets, gravy all freeze great and can be done in advance

@Callmesleepy I actually use Christmas gift wrapping paper instead of a table cloth. It's obviously super festive and can be thrown in the bin after. I never have to worry about spills on it

I have gone through my decorations in storage, to pull out what I'll bring with me overseas. I am leaving the traditional red and gold things for the house here (DH and dd staying here) and I am taking the navy to silver colour way with all the sea creatures, robots and birds. And the hand towels as DH never wants them at home. I will need to buy a flat backed tree when I get my apartment I am guessing, and European plug lights.

I was talking to a friend last night who pointed out that I will be able (maybe not this year with timings but next year definitely) to go to lots of Christmas markets across Europe easily so will acquire lots more before I come home in 3.5 years. First on my list is a good nutcracker as I'm leaving the one we got in Vienna for here.

I may not be able to ponce much this year due to timings (I may still be in temp accommodation or even technically homeless for a couple of weeks while home for Christmas itself), but I should have 3 more years of serious poncing!! Bringing my sewing machine, crates of fabric, lots of wool, and my flower arranging supplies with me...as I'll have lots of quiet evenings alone to fill. (Lots of busy evenings too with work and friends - but unlike here, I can start and abandon projects for a day but go back to them....).

For table coverings, I sometimes do what DM does - a plain white flat sheet as a base, with a smaller runner or cloth over it in relevant festive colours. Much easier to get small cloths and to change Halloween or Autumn for Thanksgiving to cheery red and gold for Christmas, or a bright summery one for summer gatherings.

Most of my dishes are white too so that also helps.

Sounds like a big move and a big change for your family @BiddyPop. I lived in Eastern Europe for ten years and have lots of lovely Christmas things from our time there.

TKMaxx is good for Christmas table coverings etc. We have an embroidered white tablecloth which only comes out at Christmas, a silvery runner for the middle of the table and I bought some similar silvery napkins in TK last January sale (we usually have paper napkins). Our colour scheme is blue and silver because our crockery is blue, which is tricky, but I usually make some sort of table decoration out of silver and blue decorations, our table is small and tight for space though.

I just use John Lewis disposable linen-feel tablecloths, although I might use actual linen now that the children are older.

I don't bother with a runner, but put candles, jars of fairy lights, potted rosemary, clementines, figs, bunches of grapes and scattered chocolate coins all down the table to look festive and abundant, and then afterwards everyone gets to eat the decorations.

Not feeling it this year, but have ordered my Paper whites’s. And had a good drool over the M&S Christmas food magazine.
This year would like Christmas like Margo from the Good Life.
Back to lurking.

Just lost a massive reply and can't remember it all so thank you all for the tips and I will absolutely being taking them on board. Origami trees and abundant tables here we come! So excited to finally have kids who are old enough to create rather than just destroy 😍

Playing around with the idea of “Free the postboxes” as cards. Prob on watercolour paper rather than cheap printer paper. Who knew they were like Easter Island statues?