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Christmas

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Original poster

Lonely Christmas

97 replies

Autumnnoleaves · 25/12/2022 14:07

Three lovely and local DC's. We see them and DGC regularly. Yet again the two with partners eat their Christmas meal with their partners families (who they see regularly and are local too). A few years ago we said that was Ok as it means both DC partner's can be with their families. This year we did ask if we could have a family Christmas meal as a one off - it has been a very tough 18 months with death and very serious illness in the family. No luck and yet again we have three at the table with empty seats and I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat. My DH is also really upset I love them and feel they should have the choice but I wonder if their partner's families put pressure on them. We have lovely Christmases until they left home. Suggestions on how what to do for 2023 - it clouds every Autumn for us.

OP posts:
NoNamesLeft234678 · 25/12/2022 14:11

Can you see them before or after? We're back home now after morning visits to both sides of the family as I wanted the rest of the day to be just us 🥰

winterpastasalad · 25/12/2022 14:13

Hugs OP.

walkinthewoodstoday · 25/12/2022 14:15

Boxing Day?

Wanderingoff · 25/12/2022 14:17

Have you clearly told them that youbeohod
liek Xmas lunch op? No point in being a martyr when it does upset you

Sprig1 · 25/12/2022 14:17

Can you allocate a different day to be Christmas and invite them over then. Today is not Christmas for me. My son is with his Dad, we will do Christmas when he is back tomorrow.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 25/12/2022 14:17

Well, they're not lovely if they can't spend one Christmas with you. I suggest you book yourself a nice few days away next Christmas.

JubileeTrifle · 25/12/2022 14:17

No help today but I think you need to say to them soon you want them to come to yours next year. Tell them how many years it’s been and you consider it your turn.

I think some people dominate Christmas over their partners. My SIL won’t have Christmas with anyone apart from her family and has a tantrum about it. Sometimes at Christmas you have to suck it up, especially if everyone is local!

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 14:18

I think you need to take a step back and realise how lucky you are to have three of you round the table and your kids/GCs in your live regularly.

Christmas day is just one day. Could you do Boxing Day together?

We always spend Christmas Day with my side of the family and DP goes to his side with the toddler on Boxing Day. They get it; there's no drama.

monsteronahill · 25/12/2022 14:19

I'm sorry you feel that way OP - I'm sure your DC wouldn't like the thought of you in tears cooking.

Is there any backstory at all? Are all the relationships good? It might just be that they prefer having Christmas at a different house and seeing you on other days? Christmas Day is only one day, you can have your Christmas before or after?

I would find it strange if both of your DC just happened to have partners families that pressurised them, perhaps there's something else at play?

Wanderingoff · 25/12/2022 14:21

@roarfeckingroarr why is your family always the priority? What is there to get?

Ladybug14 · 25/12/2022 14:22

Do a massive wonderful Christmas on boxing day or Christmas eve

Its not the best that your DC won't alternate.

I'd ask why they won't

But at the end of the day you can't force them to alternate so you'll have to compromise

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 14:24

@Wanderingoff my dad's on his own since my mum died and I'm very very close to him. I would never not spend a Christmas Day with him. DP's family understand and we see them other days.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/12/2022 14:25

It’s the same with us.

l have 2 dss who lived with us full time. They see either their dm at Christmas ( as she’s on her own) or their partners parents. We have never had them come to us ever. Dh seems to think that they choose what they want, and l agree with that to some extent. But he won’t even ask them. So we never see them at Xhristmas.

Ds 29 akways comes to us. And they all got on as chindren.

l feel your pain. It’s like we don’t exist. Good enough to bring them up, but not goid enough to come at Christmas.

Wanderingoff · 25/12/2022 14:26

Why not combined?

both my widowed grandmothers used to come for Xmas day when I was young. Worked well.

Notplayingball · 25/12/2022 14:29

Christmas isn't just one day though. You have two weeks to celebrate. How about hosting on Boxing Day or 27th OP?

Unthinkable8 · 25/12/2022 14:30

Me too OP but I'm trying to make the best of it.

DorritLittle · 25/12/2022 14:31

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug OP.

lifter · 25/12/2022 14:35

Why not have a Christmas Day with you the day before or after?

That's how we do it with different families, works out fine.

The older we get no one cares about the specific "25th" date anyway.

JustJustWhy · 25/12/2022 14:44

Was set to feel all sorry for the OP but a husband and child is NOT a lonely Christmas. Be careful with your wording OP. Cooking in tears? Don't even want to eat it? I bet your remaining poor child will eat at her sibling's next year 🙄

Original poster
Autumnnoleaves · 25/12/2022 14:46

Many thanks for your support and to know that I am not alone. We have tried other days both Christmas Eve and after Christmas. Both DC now have their own family traditions over the festive season which we strongly support.

Our Christmases as a family were big gatherings with in laws etc welcome and varied over the years. We moved and in this part of the country there is a tradition of having a family only Christmas. We would happily join others or go to our DC's with others - just want a Christmas meal with those we love.

OP posts:
Pickle1512 · 25/12/2022 14:49

Hopefully there is a back story as to why the partners won’t alternate.
I spent every Xmas with my mum because she was paraplegic and widowed from my teens and Christmas Day with carers and one elderly great aunt would be shit. My ex DH mum had 6 kids and I was an only child. After she died in my early 30s ex MIL got a look in. MIL understood. We would go and have a big Boxing Day or another day there.

I’m on my own this Christmas and I don’t cook, I have lovely M&S snack treats and then a proper meal when I do have visitors. See it as a season rather than one day, if you can.

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 14:50

@Wanderingoff it works well this way for us. DP isn't fussed about spending Christmas Day with his side neither am I

Ursuladevine · 25/12/2022 14:52

I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat.

seriously? Sounds delightful for the two people unfortunate people that that you do spend Christmas with

Queenshandbag · 25/12/2022 14:58

You need to tell your children how you feel or get your other child to do so. At the very least they should be inviting you to join their Christmas with their in- laws. If you don’t get anywhere after this conversation, I would start spending their inheritance on Christmas holidays in the canaries/Caribbean etc etc.

millymog11 · 25/12/2022 14:59

OP, my children are 12 and 14 and since they were 4 and 5 i spend every alternate christmas alone and without them because their father cheated on me and ran off with a work colleague which colleague my children now spend every other christmas with. You might not be suprised to know that if i had any choice/control over it I would have them with me every Christmas and I miss them like crazy.
Your situation sounds hard but it is far from unique.