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Christmas

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Original poster

Lonely Christmas

97 replies

Autumnnoleaves · 25/12/2022 14:07

Three lovely and local DC's. We see them and DGC regularly. Yet again the two with partners eat their Christmas meal with their partners families (who they see regularly and are local too). A few years ago we said that was Ok as it means both DC partner's can be with their families. This year we did ask if we could have a family Christmas meal as a one off - it has been a very tough 18 months with death and very serious illness in the family. No luck and yet again we have three at the table with empty seats and I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat. My DH is also really upset I love them and feel they should have the choice but I wonder if their partner's families put pressure on them. We have lovely Christmases until they left home. Suggestions on how what to do for 2023 - it clouds every Autumn for us.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:47

cptartapp · 26/12/2022 08:35

Just book a holiday. I would think far less of my DC if this happened every year and wouldn't sit around waiting for crumbs. They being with you under duress would be pointless.
They're not as lovely as you might like to think.
And your DH should have been cooking lunch.

You would think “far less of your DC”

rather than wondering why they have no wish to spend Christmas with you year after year?

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:47

They being with you under duress would be pointless.

indeed, we pushed for some relatives to attend one year, but it wasn’t a great success. And this year we find that one set of relatives was taking another out for Christmas lunch , they sheepishly explained they didn’t invite us as we would be away. A bit rich when they didn’t know we would be away because they had never mentioned Christmas to us. We always make the best of it but it’s hurtful

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:49

I sure as heck would be “thinking far less” of my DC. I would be asking them if there’s anything missing that I could do to make them want to come to me

and be braced for it opening a can of worms!

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:50

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:47

They being with you under duress would be pointless.

indeed, we pushed for some relatives to attend one year, but it wasn’t a great success. And this year we find that one set of relatives was taking another out for Christmas lunch , they sheepishly explained they didn’t invite us as we would be away. A bit rich when they didn’t know we would be away because they had never mentioned Christmas to us. We always make the best of it but it’s hurtful

What was your motivation for “pushing” relatives to come to you when they didn’t seem to want to?

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:52

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:47

They being with you under duress would be pointless.

indeed, we pushed for some relatives to attend one year, but it wasn’t a great success. And this year we find that one set of relatives was taking another out for Christmas lunch , they sheepishly explained they didn’t invite us as we would be away. A bit rich when they didn’t know we would be away because they had never mentioned Christmas to us. We always make the best of it but it’s hurtful

So you’d arranged to go away without a thought for them. But then you’re pissed off that they made a plan without a thought for you. Shocking your lack of insight

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:52

@Ursuladevine they had already said they were coming to us, then pulled out for a weak reason. DH challenged this, told them I was very disappointed, so they did turn up but you could tell they didn’t want to be there.

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:53

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:52

@Ursuladevine they had already said they were coming to us, then pulled out for a weak reason. DH challenged this, told them I was very disappointed, so they did turn up but you could tell they didn’t want to be there.

Why do you think they didn’t want to come?

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:53

@Ursuladevine we no longer sit around waiting for their crumbs but it would have been nice to be asked/considered

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:54

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:53

@Ursuladevine we no longer sit around waiting for their crumbs but it would have been nice to be asked/considered

Oh good grief

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:54

@Ursuladevine I didn’t post to have a bun fight with you

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:55

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:54

@Ursuladevine I didn’t post to have a bun fight with you

No

But it doesn’t mean I can’t read your posts and think… bloody hell

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 08:56

And indeed express that!

RedHelenB · 26/12/2022 09:07

JubileeTrifle · 25/12/2022 14:17

No help today but I think you need to say to them soon you want them to come to yours next year. Tell them how many years it’s been and you consider it your turn.

I think some people dominate Christmas over their partners. My SIL won’t have Christmas with anyone apart from her family and has a tantrum about it. Sometimes at Christmas you have to suck it up, especially if everyone is local!

This. If both sets of parents ate local then it shouldn't be a problem.

KaleToChristmas · 26/12/2022 09:18

OP, I can understand your sadness and agree you should try to negotiate a bit more. However, I would also make much more effort to be positive about what you do have, especially for the sake of the DC who DOES spend Christmas with you. How sad for him/her to have you in tears all day about something out of their control. You can be grateful for what you have whilst also trying to improve it.

TheCallOfTheMild · 26/12/2022 09:20

I empathise OP as we've just had a very similar Christmas, but you have to count your blessings and make the most of it. The 3 of us had a lovely day yesterday, lots of music, singing, cooking a very non traditional meal together and watched Christmas pottery throw down.

Yes I'm sad that our other DC families dominate, but I'm not going to pressure or guilt trip anyone to spend Christmas day with us. They're coming today along with some other family and I'm doing a buffet. It would be lovely to be invited somewhere!

I'm very tempted to go abroad in future!

kingtamponthefurred · 26/12/2022 09:26

Your children have grown up and moved on. Maybe you should do the same.

Misspacorabanne · 26/12/2022 09:30

I second booking a break away next year?
I understand how you must feel, I'd feel absolutely the same if that was one of my dcs. It doesn't seem fair, unless there's reason for it, such as the partners parent being a single parent/ living alone?
Are they close enough that they could visit Christmas afternoon if they wanted to for drinks and nibbbles? Or could you travel to them?

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 09:34

For the many of us who appear to be in the same boat, I think going away is a good idea. It’s what we do. Although I’ve just come under criticism from another poster for doing just that!

LightGreenDot · 26/12/2022 09:42

I do think it's a bit off they can't make time for one lunch all together at some point over the festive period. What are these 'family traditions' they are spending so much time doing? Have you actually invited them for another day, and they all say no?

Maybe find a free Sunday in Jan or Feb and invite everyone round for a roast.

Gagagardener · 26/12/2022 10:14

Have not RTWT, and someone else may have suggested this. Get all your DC together, soon, explain that you want to do something festive with them, and try out the idea of a New Year's or New Year's Eve dinner or lunch. I mean this kindly: you need to make your feelings known, and to add a celebration to the calendar rather than subdivide existing ones. Best wishes.

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 10:51

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 09:34

For the many of us who appear to be in the same boat, I think going away is a good idea. It’s what we do. Although I’ve just come under criticism from another poster for doing just that!

no criticism for going away

my point was that you got cross at not being invited out to lunch by relatives

but you had booked to go away without any thought to them

😂

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 10:51

But quite telling that this is how your interpreted my post

Robin233 · 26/12/2022 11:24

Had the same guests as you op - me, dh and youngest ds.
It was fantastic
Great food / drink
Presents
Cosy house
Films / even a bit of charades
Wonderful
Ds here till Tuesday
Over at another ds tomorrow
Messages from others.
We did invite pil but left it last minute and they'd booked somewhere away.
As had the widowed neighbour who
We are seeing today
Point is you don't have to have empty seats round your table.
The way I see it , everyone welcome but if you get a better offer , that's fine 2 Grin

FlamingJingleBells · 26/12/2022 11:30

kingtamponthefurred · 26/12/2022 09:26

Your children have grown up and moved on. Maybe you should do the same.

@kingtamponthefurred It appears that the partners of the kids haven't moved on because they still insist on celebrating Christmas with their mummy and daddy each year..........that's hardly fair or equal if you're in a relationship, your partner should also celebrate Christmas with their family. Why not rotate?

OxfordDog · 26/12/2022 12:44

Lot of narky people on here. I think your use of the word 'lonely' got people's backs up. There are plenty of people who spent yesterday feeling lonely and alone, you didn't. However I completely understand why you'd feel crushing disappointment that 2 of your children chose not to see you again for X years in a row. I think you need to make it clear to them that you want them at your table next Christmas (have the conversation early, but not next week!). Unless there is an in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas then it's the 'done thing' to alternate Christmas lunches every year, or to invite both sets of parents if they host themselves. To be honest, your kids are being unkind not to do so, or are too under the thumb if their partners. Have you made an effort to see them on Xmas morning, before they go to see the inlaws for lunch, if they are so local? Not the same as lunch but makes them feel how strongly you want to see them, which might be part of the problem.

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