Lonely Christmas

[Autumnnoleaves]

Three lovely and local DC's. We see them and DGC regularly. Yet again the two with partners eat their Christmas meal with their partners families (who they see regularly and are local too). A few years ago we said that was Ok as it means both DC partner's can be with their families. This year we did ask if we could have a family Christmas meal as a one off - it has been a very tough 18 months with death and very serious illness in the family. No luck and yet again we have three at the table with empty seats and I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat. My DH is also really upset I love them and feel they should have the choice but I wonder if their partner's families put pressure on them. We have lovely Christmases until they left home. Suggestions on how what to do for 2023 - it clouds every Autumn for us.

*of their partners

Or the OP’s children don’t enjoy Christmas with the OP and much prefer their partners family christmases

What are the other family traditions that your DC are busy with OP? Is there really nothing that you could suggest over the Xmas period to get everyone together?

Plenty of people don't spend Christmas with their partner and child. Or any other day, for that matter.

May I give you a different call point of view?

me and my DP live miles away from both of our families. Work really hard throughout the year and would love to have a small break for us at the end of the year

YET…

each year we have both families guilt tripping us, family deaths, illnesses, what if we won’t be here next year, if you don’t come we will be alone (they are not, they are with their lovely better half’s… ) just enjoy it and let your children do what they want… tears over Christmas is not going to help you nor will make them want to spend a Christmas with you.

sorry, it’s a bit harsh and I’m sure your situation is in some ways different to ours, but flipping hell… you start being upset about 2 days of a the year starting from fall?!!

Your families sound ghastly

@PrincesPoof is this your children your talking about or extended family?

I would book to go away, I'm seriously tempted for next year, adult dc here, dsd has severe ld's and her mum is happy for us to step up every year (she lives in care so neither of us have her much) I love my kids but they all have partners who come here with them, and my arguing childless single brothers and parents set in their ways ....

So you spent Christmas with your husband? I thought from the title you were left alone!

Can't you make the day special for you as a couple and see the kids another day?

Sorry if I've misread this and you were actually alone.

Hmm. I'm going to try and explain this as someone who usually goes to the ILs at Christmas, not my parents.

We live within an hours drive of all DHs family.

My parents live 4 hours away.

We usually all gather at MILs at Christmas. She has a big house, 3 bathrooms, plenty of space for everyone, a big kitchen and dining table.

My parents live in an absolutely tiny house (by choice, not due to finances, they could afford much bigger) with 1 bathroom. If we were to stay over it would mean on a blow up bed on the living room floor. Downstairs is open plan.

At my parents house I feel pretty claustrophobic. I hate sharing a bathroom. They often have 8-10 family members perched on the floor/makeshift chairs around the living room. It's very loud. The tv is always on. Christmases we're like this when I was a child and I didn't like it then. It was too loud, too crowded, I found it stressful.

My ILs are quieter, it's a more chilled day, there's enough space for everyone to sit on a chair/sofa.

I much prefer Christmas at ILs than at my parents. We/MIL often invite my parents to us, but they prefer to stay home at Christmas.

So we often have a meal with them the weekend before. I simply don't enjoy Christmas much at my parents house. I don't like doing a 7-8hr round trip to sleep on the living room floor, having to stay up til 2am until the last family member leaves, and then having no space or privacy in the morning.

I love my parents of course, but we're not alike, and we don't enjoy the same type of day.

Unless there is an in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas then it's the 'done thing' to alternate Christmas lunches every year, or to invite both sets of parents if they host themselves. To be honest, your kids are being unkind not to do so, or are too under the thumb if their partners

I agree. And as much as I would like to point this out to some of our relatives, i would prefer it if they realised this themselves!

@cynicat i take your point!

We had our family Christmas late November. People were scattering for a range of reasons afterwards so we all piled into one sibling’s house for the weekend, full Christmas meal, presents, whole shebang then everyone squeezed in for the night, huge breakfast all together then trickled back home to all over the country.

We’ve done similar for a few years at mum’s, mine, different siblings, and it’s lovely and takes the pressure off the actual day.

Would you suggest/offer something similar?

And her DS

Do they get it though or do they just accept they'll not be visited. Do you not go with your partner on Boxing Day?

There’s no “should” about it

Are you seriously suggesting that children should spend alternate christmases with their parents even if they had toxic childhood, have poor relationships with their parents, awful memories of Christmas past… simply because they “should”?

this is eye opening and quite telling these views are from people complaining that their family didn’t care to spend it with them

Just book to go away OP. They don't want to spend Christmas with you which is shit but fine. Take your son away with you if you can. They'll probably say how he's favoured because you took him away... the irony

People going along with 'the done thing' is the cause of most of the miserable Christmas posts on here!

We moved and in this part of the country there is a tradition of having a family only Christmas.

Where do you live OP? (I’m assuming UK) … I’ve lived in both the North and the South (England), have friends and family all over the country and never heard of a “family only” tradition. It sounds bizarre. What does it even mean?

All you can do is let your DC’s know how you feel. Don’t make them feel guilty, but just tell them how you feel and what you would like for next Christmas. Then the ball’s in their court.

Exactly

I just can’t believe the posters saying how unfair this is and “should” “should” “should”

it is bugger all about “should”

I would be more upset to think of my DC feeling they “should” spend Christmas

I think some people can be deluded at Christmas. They have a distant poor relationship throughout the year, and then think they'll have Christmas together and be the best of friends. Dh's parents were notorious for this, we never got on with them, they were very difficult people that used to be very draining. Every special occasion they ruined with their misery, and were just never happy no matter what you did. Needless to say we didn't want to spend Christmas with them. They would moan to all who would listen how hard done they were that we wouldn't go every year at Christmas. Unsurprisingly they are now estranged, and after 2 years of therapy dh is finally free.

That's really shit op, can you go abroad next Christmas? Make a holiday of it x