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Christmas

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Original poster

Lonely Christmas

97 replies

Autumnnoleaves · 25/12/2022 14:07

Three lovely and local DC's. We see them and DGC regularly. Yet again the two with partners eat their Christmas meal with their partners families (who they see regularly and are local too). A few years ago we said that was Ok as it means both DC partner's can be with their families. This year we did ask if we could have a family Christmas meal as a one off - it has been a very tough 18 months with death and very serious illness in the family. No luck and yet again we have three at the table with empty seats and I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat. My DH is also really upset I love them and feel they should have the choice but I wonder if their partner's families put pressure on them. We have lovely Christmases until they left home. Suggestions on how what to do for 2023 - it clouds every Autumn for us.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 25/12/2022 15:02

Ursuladevine · 25/12/2022 14:52

I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat.

seriously? Sounds delightful for the two people unfortunate people that that you do spend Christmas with

This. It's a tad much.

Jinglebellrocks · 25/12/2022 15:20

*'NippyWoowoo · Today 15:02

Ursuladevine · Today 14:52

I spend the morning in tears cooking our lunch which I do not want to eat.

seriously? Sounds delightful for the two people unfortunate people that that you do spend Christmas with

This. It's a tad much.'*

Same, you have your dh and other child with you, 3 of you to have a lovely Christmas together. There are people completely on their own and you're crying. I can understand you being disappointed but this wasn't new news on Christmas day. Enjoy time with those you're with for now, glass half full instead of half empty. Then in the new year sit down with you other dcs and have a conversation of why they don't ever want to spend Christmas with their side.

Ursuladevine · 25/12/2022 15:23

I suspect that fact you choose to spend today crying rather than making the most of your DH and DS may have a great deal to do with your others children’s stance re seeing you op.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 25/12/2022 15:32

We always alternate but bil and sil always go to sil’s parents. I think it’s really selfish. Unless there is a big backstory of falling out etc then family time should be shared. But when we’re not with my parents we do full Christmas Day on Boxing Day. It’s not complicated. You make it work.

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 15:37

Ursuladevine · 25/12/2022 15:23

I suspect that fact you choose to spend today crying rather than making the most of your DH and DS may have a great deal to do with your others children’s stance re seeing you op.

I thought this.

Sounds very dramatic. And very tiresome.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2022 16:00

But you aren't alone, you have your partner and one of your dc! That is plenty to have a lovely Christmas meal. I think you need to stop focusing on what you don't have and see the good in what you do. It reads like you feel entitled to your dc coming at Christmas, but you aren't really. Make the best of what you have!

Original poster
Autumnnoleaves · 25/12/2022 16:14

My DH and DS were not aware of me being very upset. I was cooking in the kitchen on my own. I made sure that my DC here had a good Christmas - has just gone home and said enjoyed it. My DH is upset too but does not show it. My original post mentioned illness - one is mine which means I am very tired and struggle to eat much. It would have been lovely to have been invited to a meal I did not have to cook!

Will be having a discussion with DC early next year so that we all know where we stand. I will then learn the live with it and, as some have said, be grateful for what I have even though I would like an occasional Christmas day with no empty seats at the table.

OP posts:
BirgetteNyborg · 25/12/2022 16:24

Book a few days away next year. Tell
them your plans and invite them a along. If they don't come then at least you don't have to cook.

Seriously if someone starts talking to me about Christmas plans in the next few weeks I'd be Hmm

Jinglebellrocks · 25/12/2022 16:29

Op if they come to you than that would be more cooking though that you said you didn't want. You mention you dont want to cook, then empty seats at the table, then say you want to be invited for a meal. I'm confused which you want?

Jinglebellrocks · 25/12/2022 16:29

by*

Ursuladevine · 25/12/2022 16:31

of course your DH and adult DS will know that you’re crying all day and cooking a meal you don’t want to eat.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 25/12/2022 16:34

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 15:37

I thought this.

Sounds very dramatic. And very tiresome.

Show quote history

this

Manopadmanaban · 25/12/2022 17:32

What do you want OP? The whole situation sounds very dramatic and tiresome.

Holly60 · 25/12/2022 17:45

OP how close are you to your adult DC? Could you not just ask them why they don't want to spend Xmas with you- or why they feel they have to spend it with in-laws every single time if they DO want to spend it with you?

You could ask if there are adjustments you need to make, for example.

MissyB1 · 25/12/2022 17:56

So this is my first year of what I suspect will be the same from now on. Eldest two are at the girlfriends parents houses, third dc at home with us. It’s felt different but actually ok, a bit less work to be honest! But we took them all out for a pub meal yesterday and exchanged presents, so that was our Christmas with them, and it was lovely.
Don’t be sad OP, different isn’t necessarily worse, there are pros and cons to every situation.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2022 18:11

If you struggle to cook why on earth didn't your dh step up? I don't think your issue here is your dc who weren't present, but the relatives who were!

Tickledpickle · 25/12/2022 20:00

You have a choice - make the most of the day and enjoy it.. or not.

minidancer · 25/12/2022 20:14

I've never really gone to my parents as they are over 3 hours away and in-laws are local. My son goes to his dads so staying local means he could go his dads then on Boxing Day we could go to my parents. They've never created an issue.......just how it is. We've also been abroad lots of times too. Feeling like you have to alternate etc is horrible. People should do what they want without feeling pressured. Whatever day I see my children over Christmas I make it special and as relaxed for them as possible.

Ursuladevine · 26/12/2022 07:31

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2022 18:11

If you struggle to cook why on earth didn't your dh step up? I don't think your issue here is your dc who weren't present, but the relatives who were!

Oh I reckon he would have tried. Multiple times.

but the OP would have turned to him, tears running down her face, and tight lipped said “no, I will do EVERYTHING!!”. And refused to let him a do a thing. Then as soon as he left, the op would have been muttering to herself (but just loud enough to be heard) how she does everything, and is so taken advantage of.

If the Op isn’t careful, her son that is with her over Christmas, will be spending with an alternative option the moment one arises if the OP doesn’t turn it around sharpish.

KangarooKenny · 26/12/2022 07:33

Could you have them over for a full English that you cook for Xmas day brunch, or a meal on Boxing Day ?
If not, I’d be going away.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 26/12/2022 08:04

My plan when DS is grown, if he’s not with us for Christmas is to book a holiday somewhere sunny.

Coffeepot72 · 26/12/2022 08:20

DH and I find ourselves in this position, none of our family considers us a priority at Christmas and it’s hurtful. We now tend to go away for a few days over Christmas, rather than have a Christmas Day that just feels like a Sunday. Sadly this seems to have given our relatives an even better excuse not to include us “because you always go away”. Yes, but only for approx 3 days, there’s still the rest of the festive season available (surely?) and we only started going away as no one included us ……

cocktailclub · 26/12/2022 08:26

I feel for you OP. I really miss getting everyone together. Although one dc alternates with their DP parents that doesn't match up with the others and so I haven't had all together for years
Like others have said try a different day and try and focus on what you do have
It's tough

cptartapp · 26/12/2022 08:35

Just book a holiday. I would think far less of my DC if this happened every year and wouldn't sit around waiting for crumbs. They being with you under duress would be pointless.
They're not as lovely as you might like to think.
And your DH should have been cooking lunch.

FlamingJingleBells · 26/12/2022 08:45

It is selfish that the partners celebrate Christmas every year with their own families and won't rotate. However, your op is misleading because you weren't lonely at Christmas. You had part of your family still with you and you chose to miss the absentees instead of cherishing those present.

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