To be annoyed I'm not getting a gift?

[locomum83]

So my DH and I had decided (same as last year) to simply not buy anything for each other. We have young children and I work a very part time job so income is poor.
Don't get me wrong there lots id love, even little things, but nothing I really need at all.

However last week DH said to me "I've bought myself something and your not allowed to be cross" - I never am if he buys something anyway, it's his business. But he said he'd ordered himself a pair of wireless headphones (the over head kind) I said sure that's ok, he wants them for exercise etc... I asked how much they were and he said around £200, but he's paying them off (Klarna or the likes)
He also ensured he bought gifts for two work colleagues who have helped him in his new role at work, maybe £25 per person.

Should I be annoyed that he's willing to spend this on himself and work colleagues, but nothing on his wife? For the record I have gotten him a small present, something I know he needed. But I'm certain I won't get anything nor is he expecting anything in return.

But you agreed not to buy anything for each-other? Did you also stipulate that meant also not buying for anyone else/self?

I think you should stop making agreements not to swap presents if you’re going to keep getting him something, but knowing he will stick to it and get you nothing.

If he’s just spent £250 on himself and work colleagues then he can afford something for you, surely. You say you have a small income but you’ve still bought him something, so you’re actually the only one losing out here. Just tell him you’ve bought him something after all and you’d appreciate a little something, so you at least have something to unwrap on the day.

Tell him that if he can afford that, he’s changed the goal posts and actually you would like to exchange gifts.

Better to be direct than have your hopes dashed on Xmas morning.

You're martyring yourself. Sorry, but no gifts at all is miserable so you're setting yourself up for disappointment when he takes you literally

I’d be upset too. I’m assuming you’ve agreed not to get each other anything due to finances. Yet, he’s okay spending £200 on himself just before Christmas? Surely if he has £200 to spare, he could’ve got you a little something at least? Or is he just not getting you anything because he thinks he won’t get anything in return? Because that would be ridiculous, it’s like not buying someone something for their birthday because you won’t get anything back. Hopefully he will surprise you with something.

Your agreement was not to buy presents for each other, not "not to spend money". So I think you need to work on your communication. You can't blame him for sticking to the agreement. And if you think he shouldn't be spending money on things, that is a different conversation to have.

You’re being a martyr. Just buy yourself something nice and call it your Christmas gift to yourself (like he got from himself)

I agree that he can afford to buy you a present if he can afford to blow that on headphones. However, when you agree to no gifts, that's what happens.

Does he keep his money to himself while you work very part time though? That is shit and should not happen. You need equal access to spending money

Agreed. Be authentic and accept that you want that excitement of opening a present on Christmas day. Its natural and understandable. So maybe change the no present agreement to a small £20 gift for eachother? Or something handmade? Or a shared experience? Something that's not going to make a dent in the budget.

But I agree, him spending £200 on himself and zero on you after you've agreed to sacrifice giftgiving this year would not sit well with me either...

Did you buy gifts for anyone else?

But don't agree not to buy gifts if you're going to buy a gift for him and be annoyed if he doesn't reciprocate.

surely you could get something even if you set a £10 or £20 limit

i think £25 each on people at work is a lot if he doesn't have money for his wife

Return what you bought him and get yourself something.

You either exchange gifts or you don't. Personally I think adults in the house should exchange gifts, just so kids don't think it's all about them.

Although how are your finances divided up when he can effectively spend £250 on himself and you can't?

This is so tiresome when people do this. Don’t agree to no presents if you want a present. Be an adult and use your words. The deal wasn’t no presents so no one else was allowed one either.

honestly it’s ridiculous to agree no presents then get fucked off when others do.

You need to tell hum that you've changed your mind and that you want him to get you something. You'll resent him for not doing it otherwise, that is loud and clear from your post.

But they didn’t agree they couldn’t spend money on themselves and weren’t allowed to buy anyone else a gift.

she wants a gift, very much, so she should not have said she didn’t.

Buy yourself something nice. 🤷‍♀️

I always find it odd when people who actually want presents say 'don't get me anything.' What's the point in martyring yourself?

I love exchanging presents at Christmas, I love getting them, I love giving them. Nothing massive just tokens. Christmas with no presents really must feel miserable (in my opinion)

Why did you agree when you obviously want a gift?

Just tell him.

agree with PPs, saying no gifts then buying him one and being annoyed you aren't getting one is needlessly martyring yourself. Just set a limit and get each other something- £20 or whatever. Or tell him now you'll be treating yourself too (assuming finances are shared) and get something you want.
Me and DH set a limit each year, it was £50 this year. We also do a small gift 'from DC' that they help wrap and give on Christmas morning- we do this for grandparents too as I think it's important to appreciate the giving element of Christmas.

Your DH spending on himself and colleagues is a bit off. £25 each on colleagues?! Hard no.

What you do is, you go out and spend £300 on yourself, the £250 OH spent on himself with his earphones and the £50 he spent on his colleagues at work.

Oh, BTW he's not allowed to get angry!
Problem solved! 😁

I can understand why you are upset, and it is may be a bit dense of him. I assume the 'no gifts' statement was to save money, but it doesn't really seem to be working. Depends on what conversation you had.
I would be a bit worried he was taking out a loan to buy a non-essential item.

Agreeing not to buy each other anything at all is completely and utterly joyless, as you are seeing.

Clearly there is money to spend, if your DH has £250 to blow.

So, agree a budget and give each other a gift (or gifts).

Honestly, Christmas is a huge amount of build-up and work, especially for women / mothers / wives.

The one saving grace is having a present or presents to open on the day.

It's obvious that OP and dh agreed no presents in order to save money. And then he goes and spunks £200 on himself the week before Christmas. Of course you are allowed to be cross and he can't tell you that you aren't allowed to be!
If he can afford that, but buys you nothing, he's a selfish arsehole!

Time to treat yourself OP!

yabu to expect a gift when you said you didn't want one.
Did your DH agree with you just to go along with your idea? If he was fully on board, then he's U too.

I agree with pp that you need to tell your dp you got him a small present as he’ll think you are not exchanging gifts.

My dh and I one year said ‘no gifts’ for each other. I kept to that but he did buy me something, which made me feel awful. If I’d know I would have also bought him something.

Not really understanding these ‘read between the lines’ conversations as they cause more upset than open communication to each other.