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Original poster

To be annoyed I'm not getting a gift?

79 replies

locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:11

So my DH and I had decided (same as last year) to simply not buy anything for each other. We have young children and I work a very part time job so income is poor.
Don't get me wrong there lots id love, even little things, but nothing I really need at all.

However last week DH said to me "I've bought myself something and your not allowed to be cross" - I never am if he buys something anyway, it's his business. But he said he'd ordered himself a pair of wireless headphones (the over head kind) I said sure that's ok, he wants them for exercise etc... I asked how much they were and he said around £200, but he's paying them off (Klarna or the likes)
He also ensured he bought gifts for two work colleagues who have helped him in his new role at work, maybe £25 per person.

Should I be annoyed that he's willing to spend this on himself and work colleagues, but nothing on his wife? For the record I have gotten him a small present, something I know he needed. But I'm certain I won't get anything nor is he expecting anything in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 22:43

Hoplesscynic · 20/12/2022 22:39

Autistic or not, this man is certainly extremely selfish. So you both agree you "can't afford" any gifts for each other, but he somehow manages to afford a £200 gift for himself + £50 on colleagues? While you keep living frugally and trying to save... Don't tolerate this crap OP. Ask him to return the things or tell him you got yourself something too for about £300 as you've realised through him that you can afford pricey gifts. Even if you haven't actually bought anything, just watch his reaction!
If that's his standard behaviour though, I'd honestly consider leaving.

I'm not leaving my husband 🤦‍♀️ I'm just annoyed.

OP posts:
BCBird · 20/12/2022 22:48

Best to.agree on a budget for a gift. Mate and I are goin on holiday over Christmas and have decided we are buying each other, 3 gifts that cost maximum of five pound each. Works for us

deeperthanallroses · 20/12/2022 22:55

I’d send him a link for something for about £100 and say actually since there seems to be a bit of money for presents I’d really like you to get me this. Thanks! And if he says I can’t afford it I’d say oh so you can afford things you want, gifts for colleagues it’s just your wife who isn’t worth spending any money on? Noted. I’ll remember that when I’m cooking your dinner and looking after our children. Spell it out. But I’m not a martyr, why would I be? I matter too.

Awrite · 20/12/2022 22:57

Reads like he's your boss.

piedbeauty · 20/12/2022 22:59

Talk to him!

Then buy something for you to the same value...

Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 23:00

Awrite · 20/12/2022 22:57

Reads like he's your boss.

We are a traditional household

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/12/2022 23:08

He's very selfish
Traditional doesn't mean unkind

CarrotCake84 · 20/12/2022 23:12

It’s not about traditional families, it’s about fairness. You have sacrificed your career for childcare. If he spends £200 on himself then so do you.

purplerainlondon · 20/12/2022 23:14

I would definitely be annoyed! If he has money to spend on himself and work colleagues then he could at least get you something small!

RobinRobinMouse · 20/12/2022 23:16

He sounds very selfish and a bit silly really, if money is tight and he wanted/needed new wireless headphones he could have spent far less for quality ones. £200 is irresponsible. Tell him they must be returned.

EL8888 · 20/12/2022 23:50

CarrotCake84 · 20/12/2022 23:12

It’s not about traditional families, it’s about fairness. You have sacrificed your career for childcare. If he spends £200 on himself then so do you.

This. Either there is enough money for £200 for a gift each. Or £100 each -he gets a cheaper. Or no one gets anything. Current state of play is bullshit

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 20/12/2022 23:57

What's "Traditional" OP?

My now long since dead DDad was born in 1933 and every single single Thursday from the day he got married he handed over his entire paypacket to my also long dead DMum to allow her to budget for raising my 2 Dsis's and I.

Any extra when left over (which was very rarely as we didn't have much in monetary terms but owned the world in what we had as a family) was immediately split between them to do as they wished.

My point is if you are saying that "traditional" means that the man controls the money, that has never been the case when he is a decent person.

greenteafiend · 21/12/2022 00:10

I think if money is tight, you should ideally be discussing together purchases that are over 100 pounds.

Perhaps the solution here is to have a conversation about spending, and also see if you can stretch to having a nice meal together during the Xmas holidays instead, so that you can feel that you have done something nice as a couple.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/12/2022 07:08

Sounds like this is about more than Christmas gifts.

Whatever money is left after all family costs have been covered should be split 50/50. So instead of him being able to spend £250 and you have nothing, this should be equal. Ideally you should both get your share of spare money in a monthly standing order into a separate account so you can spend it freely as you wish with no judgement from the other.

spare123 · 21/12/2022 07:10

locomum83 · 20/12/2022 23:00

We are a traditional household

Show quote history

We are a traditional household

I am being financially abused

Fixed that for you. You should have full access to the credit card. Please seek help.

Original poster
locomum83 · 21/12/2022 07:10

BarbaraofSeville · 21/12/2022 07:08

Sounds like this is about more than Christmas gifts.

Whatever money is left after all family costs have been covered should be split 50/50. So instead of him being able to spend £250 and you have nothing, this should be equal. Ideally you should both get your share of spare money in a monthly standing order into a separate account so you can spend it freely as you wish with no judgement from the other.

There never is anything left over to spend, never, usually we have to dip into savings to get by each month, that's why this is made all the more annoying

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 21/12/2022 07:22

So yes, you are being financially abused. You need to look at the bigger picture.

You have taken all the financial hit (including pension detriment) and made yourself vulnerable due to having DC, while your DH carries on as normal and treats himself and work colleagues to non essentials. You also don't have fair access to family money. Are you able to spend any money on yourself? Haircuts, sufficient clothes, underwear, eye tests etc?

But how much do you have in savings and what is it for? Can some of it be earmarked for Christmas costs including a gift for you?

TheMatriarchy · 21/12/2022 07:52

Well presumably you get to buy something worth £200 for yourself now too. Or a you less than him in this marriage?
In which case I would be treating myself to a family lawyers appointment.

ImAvingOops · 21/12/2022 08:17

If you are both dipping into savings every month then he cannot afford a £200 pair of headphones and yes, you are allowed to be angry. No one gets to dictate to you how you are allowed to feel!
And more fool you, if you just seethe over this and go nothing about it.
I am sahm - but all money that comes into this household is ours. Raising children means that you have sacrificed too (career progression, pension, direct income) in order to save your family the cost of childcare and probably to support his career and free him from having to do his 50% ! The money he earns is as much yours as his - how well do you think he'd be going at work if he had to do half the work involved in having 3 kids?

Both of you need an attitude adjustment - there's really no such thing as traditional, even in demarcation of chores. It was really only the upper classes who could afford for women never to work. In my family my gran snd great gran went to work, as did my mother. The men in my family have done household chores.

ACCx · 21/12/2022 22:03

After reading the comments regarding the finances being low, you giving up your career for your children, I think it’s so selfish of him to have spent that much money on himself and not get you anything for Christmas. Even £25 on work friends is a lot.

Original poster
locomum83 · 21/12/2022 22:07

So I mentioned it a little today but however I went about it, the message was never going to have been gratefully received.

I got the same story, we've no money, it would look bad if he hadn't of bought the colleagues a gift, he needed the headphones as his others are broken, I'm having a go at him etc etc.

After I had made my point I was told to "fuck up would you" and "I don't care anymore". Usual outcome when I challenge him on anything, hence why I usually don't. Hurray Christmas!!!!

OP posts:
RobinRobinMouse · 21/12/2022 22:15

I think if this is what he is like you should start making plans to leave. This sounds bad for you and your children.

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 22:16

locomum83 · 21/12/2022 22:07

So I mentioned it a little today but however I went about it, the message was never going to have been gratefully received.

I got the same story, we've no money, it would look bad if he hadn't of bought the colleagues a gift, he needed the headphones as his others are broken, I'm having a go at him etc etc.

After I had made my point I was told to "fuck up would you" and "I don't care anymore". Usual outcome when I challenge him on anything, hence why I usually don't. Hurray Christmas!!!!

I am sorry to hear this. He doesn't sound like a good person to dismiss you like this.

Aidagreenwhistle · 21/12/2022 22:18

Sorry op but he feels he deserves more than the rest of you. He is first class and you are a second class citizen. He is selfish and greedy. He no doubt thinks he deserves it because he is the bread winner.

I earn more than my DH and we would have not given gifts or had 100 each to spend on one another in your situation.

He’s another greedy husband.

LaLuz7 · 22/12/2022 09:53

locomum83 · 21/12/2022 22:07

So I mentioned it a little today but however I went about it, the message was never going to have been gratefully received.

I got the same story, we've no money, it would look bad if he hadn't of bought the colleagues a gift, he needed the headphones as his others are broken, I'm having a go at him etc etc.

After I had made my point I was told to "fuck up would you" and "I don't care anymore". Usual outcome when I challenge him on anything, hence why I usually don't. Hurray Christmas!!!!

I'm so sorry. You're married to a turd :(