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Original poster

To be annoyed I'm not getting a gift?

79 replies

locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:11

So my DH and I had decided (same as last year) to simply not buy anything for each other. We have young children and I work a very part time job so income is poor.
Don't get me wrong there lots id love, even little things, but nothing I really need at all.

However last week DH said to me "I've bought myself something and your not allowed to be cross" - I never am if he buys something anyway, it's his business. But he said he'd ordered himself a pair of wireless headphones (the over head kind) I said sure that's ok, he wants them for exercise etc... I asked how much they were and he said around £200, but he's paying them off (Klarna or the likes)
He also ensured he bought gifts for two work colleagues who have helped him in his new role at work, maybe £25 per person.

Should I be annoyed that he's willing to spend this on himself and work colleagues, but nothing on his wife? For the record I have gotten him a small present, something I know he needed. But I'm certain I won't get anything nor is he expecting anything in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:53

ACCx · 20/12/2022 21:23

I’d be upset too. I’m assuming you’ve agreed not to get each other anything due to finances. Yet, he’s okay spending £200 on himself just before Christmas? Surely if he has £200 to spare, he could’ve got you a little something at least? Or is he just not getting you anything because he thinks he won’t get anything in return? Because that would be ridiculous, it’s like not buying someone something for their birthday because you won’t get anything back. Hopefully he will surprise you with something.

No he's not getting me anything because we can't afford it nothing to do with him thinking he'll get nothing. He's very spontaneous at times but unfortunately that's usually when it comes to things for himself, it's not that he doesn't want to get me anything he just says we can't afford it, we just have to prioritise the kids and our parents/family before each other.
He's autistic and tbh I don't think he would of given his actions any thought, not out of spite.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 20/12/2022 21:53

I dont get the 'no gifts' thing... if theres only one person in this whole world I ever expect anything from its my DH.

There no way you can be so broke you cant preplan and get SOMETHING.

But yes it seems utterly batshit to agree no presents due to finacial issue then spend £200 on yourself and £50 on friends... just straight up tell him you want a gift as clearly he is more flush with money than you thought.

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:55

ImAvingOops · 20/12/2022 21:49

It's obvious that OP and dh agreed no presents in order to save money. And then he goes and spunks £200 on himself the week before Christmas. Of course you are allowed to be cross and he can't tell you that you aren't allowed to be!
If he can afford that, but buys you nothing, he's a selfish arsehole!

This is so irrational, he’s still saving money, they both are.

so he spends 250 quid. If they bought presents for each other it would be 300, or whatever. She also didn’t say they were proper skint.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:55

He's autistic

quite relevant info...

Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:57

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:29

This is so tiresome when people do this. Don’t agree to no presents if you want a present. Be an adult and use your words. The deal wasn’t no presents so no one else was allowed one either.

honestly it’s ridiculous to agree no presents then get fucked off when others do.

I'm not cross that we're not exchanging presents, I'm cross that the reason we're not exchanging presents is because we can't afford it, but despite that he's just bought himself headphones. It's very contradictory.
For the record I spent £15 on a new beard trimmer as his has just died, so it's not even a gift as such but replacing something that's broken

OP posts:
Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:58

ImprobablePuffin · 20/12/2022 21:36

I always find it odd when people who actually want presents say 'don't get me anything.' What's the point in martyring yourself?

I love exchanging presents at Christmas, I love getting them, I love giving them. Nothing massive just tokens. Christmas with no presents really must feel miserable (in my opinion)

It is miserable but when you've a house with young kids the joy is in seeing them tbh, I don't care if I've gotten nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:59

bjrce · 20/12/2022 21:39

What you do is, you go out and spend £300 on yourself, the £250 OH spent on himself with his earphones and the £50 he spent on his colleagues at work.

Oh, BTW he's not allowed to get angry!
Problem solved! 😁

😂 I wish I could! But I don't hold the credit card, and there's be a few quest asked I'm sure!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2022 21:59

Unless you’re incredibly skint as in can’t pay the rent, in which case you shouldn’t be buying anyone presents, you could and should have agreed to get each other a small thoughtful gift, set a budget and stuck to it. A second hand book, a nice soap, favourite chocolates or beer, pair of gloves.

It’s lovely to exchange gifts, there are no prizes for being a martyr and it’s good for the kids to see you thinking of each other.

He shouldn’t be getting into debts for fucking headphones, that’s outrageously selfish. He should return them if he can. I’d be raging.

Tell him you want £200 for yourself and if he says no point out the hypocrisy. Has he spent that much on each of the DC? I doubt it. As you’re struggling atm I bloody hope not.

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 22:00

No he's not getting me anything because we can't afford it nothing to do with him thinking he'll get nothing

ok if this is the case why isn’t your issue he is spending money you don’t have?

toogoodforthisworld · 20/12/2022 22:01

I bet he has bought you something x if not suck it up and tell him you definitely want a gift next year - but don't let it spoil Xmas day. Life is too short x

SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2022 22:01

For me what jumps out of your post is him telling you you're not 'allowed to be cross'.

That suggests to me that he knows perfectly well you might be cross, but he's done it anyway. The fact you don't generally police his spending adds insult to injury.

Actually, you are allowed to be cross - or at least, you're allowed to decide on your own emotions without him telling you what you're 'allowed' to feel.

I think he sounds like a selfish fucker, TBH. You say your income is low because you have young children and you have a very part-time job. Are you part time because of the young children, by any chance?

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 22:04

locomum83 · 20/12/2022 21:59

😂 I wish I could! But I don't hold the credit card, and there's be a few quest asked I'm sure!

Show quote history

What`? Why don’t you have a credit card?

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 22:04

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:55

This is so irrational, he’s still saving money, they both are.

so he spends 250 quid. If they bought presents for each other it would be 300, or whatever. She also didn’t say they were proper skint.

Show quote history

But the reason there is no money for giftgiving is that he prioritizes treating himself.

The 200 he spent on himself was a want, not a need. He's selfishly spent it on himself, when he could have left it in the comunal pot and they both could have used 100 for a gift for the other.

He's basically ensured that no savings were achieved but he still got his treat. OP is the only one who loses out.

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 22:06

Op do you not have access to money? Someone just said you’re loosing out, which indicates you can’t do the same as him, is this correct? You are not given access to the same money?

Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 22:07

SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2022 22:01

For me what jumps out of your post is him telling you you're not 'allowed to be cross'.

That suggests to me that he knows perfectly well you might be cross, but he's done it anyway. The fact you don't generally police his spending adds insult to injury.

Actually, you are allowed to be cross - or at least, you're allowed to decide on your own emotions without him telling you what you're 'allowed' to feel.

I think he sounds like a selfish fucker, TBH. You say your income is low because you have young children and you have a very part-time job. Are you part time because of the young children, by any chance?

Yes part time because of the kids. Baby no. 3 popped up unexpectedly but much adored, meaning I gave up My career to care for the kids as it wouldn't of been financially viable to pay for childcare. I only work now 12 hours a week. Meantime, he's changed careers at great sacrifice I might add. So I don't begrudge him but I also don't want to have to say " right I'd like a little something too please" I just think that sounds petty

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2022 22:09

It doesn't sound petty at all, I think.

You have both made big sacrifices for your family life, which is fine - but you ought to have equal access to money.

Original poster
locomum83 · 20/12/2022 22:11

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 22:06

Op do you not have access to money? Someone just said you’re loosing out, which indicates you can’t do the same as him, is this correct? You are not given access to the same money?

We've only had a joint account for 3 years though we've been married for 12. Although tbh we both liked it that way, I've never felt our finances are shared/equal and I know that's wrong but if I over spend I always just feel like I've spent his money. I used to have a credit card years ago but found it too easy to spend and took me a long time to pay it off so once I did I nEver wanted another

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/12/2022 22:11

Ask him why you aren't allowed to be cross.

As a family you can't afford it but he sent the money anyway.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 22:12

SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2022 22:09

It doesn't sound petty at all, I think.

You have both made big sacrifices for your family life, which is fine - but you ought to have equal access to money.

Agreed.

You are married. You share 3 kids. You work as much as it is feasible right now.

So you absolutely should have full access to the family money.

No "no credit card" nonsense.

Dello · 20/12/2022 22:13

No I don’t think you can explicitly tell him not to get you a present, tell him you are not getting him one. Buy him something anyway and be annoyed he didn’t get you anything.
That way madness lies.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 22:18

Dello · 20/12/2022 22:13

No I don’t think you can explicitly tell him not to get you a present, tell him you are not getting him one. Buy him something anyway and be annoyed he didn’t get you anything.
That way madness lies.

To be fair, I don't think OP is upset that she's not getting a gift, as they agreed. She is upset because she thought they were operating under the assumption that both are sacrificing gifts for the purpose of saving, as a shared goal for the good of the family.

Then, he went and treated himself to an expensive treat, essentially saying that her gift can be sacrificed for the agreed upon goal, but he's not going to do his share, but instead he'll just use the loophole of spending the money directly on himself.

It's deceiving and selfish and sabotaging their common effort. Letting her do all the sacrificing essentially.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2022 22:26

To be fair, I don't think OP is upset that she's not getting a gift, as they agreed.

Her thread title says she is. But I agree the whole thing is ridiculous. He’s being selfish, she’s choosing to seethe quietly rather than being honest about both wanting to exchange gifts and wanting him to stop spending money they don’t have oh crap he doesn’t need.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 22:28

…and she’s been silenced because she’s not allowed to get mad. And this isn’t even touching on the fact that the OP doesn’t have real spending ability, anyway.

Thank you MN for my daily DH appreciation reminder.

Dacadactyl · 20/12/2022 22:32

No OP, speaking your mind doesn't sound petty.

The petty thing to do is not speak your mind and then hold on to resentment. Do not let this fester.

Hoplesscynic · 20/12/2022 22:39

Autistic or not, this man is certainly extremely selfish. So you both agree you "can't afford" any gifts for each other, but he somehow manages to afford a £200 gift for himself + £50 on colleagues? While you keep living frugally and trying to save... Don't tolerate this crap OP. Ask him to return the things or tell him you got yourself something too for about £300 as you've realised through him that you can afford pricey gifts. Even if you haven't actually bought anything, just watch his reaction!
If that's his standard behaviour though, I'd honestly consider leaving.