Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Young adult DC and ‘unequal’ gifts for their BF/ GF who are staying

80 replies

SixDinnerSally · 12/12/2022 10:34

My DC is 20 and recently moved out. They are on a low income and we are still at the stage of giving a main present (£200 ish at Christmas)

Thing is, this year their partner is coming to stay too and it’ll be embarrassing/ mean/ rude to give the main present in front of them. However, if I give it separately to them then my slightly younger DC would be the only one to get a main present on the day. That seems awkward too, as the gift exchange is a bit of a ritual for us, like many families. Obviously we have got the partner a gift, but not in the same league.

Any suggestions of a sensible and sensitive way to work around this?

OP posts:
bumbledeedum · 12/12/2022 10:35

I don't think any partner visiting would be expecting an equal size gift from their BF/GF's family. Just do as you've always done and give the partner the gift you've gotten for them

BertieBotts · 12/12/2022 10:37

What?? Why would you worry about this, it's totally normal. You are not their parent and wouldn't be expected to give them an equal present.

Original poster
SixDinnerSally · 12/12/2022 10:38

@bumbledeedum I’m sure you’re right but it still feels awkward.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 12/12/2022 10:38

I don’t think it’s awkward at all. My parents have always given DH a smaller present than I’ve received, and my in laws have always done the same. I think it’s entirely normal.

dmb91 · 12/12/2022 10:40

I am 31, this year for the first year my parents are spending the same on me, my partner and my brother.
It has never been expected that they spend the same on all of us, I am their child, my partner is not.
I would never expect my in-laws to spend the same on me as on their children.
I think you might be over thinking this OP.

bingobanjo · 12/12/2022 10:41

Your DC’s partner will be aware of the fact they are not your child, that’s very normal.

A few token bits for the partner so they have something to open is enough, they’ll appreciate that. Their own parents can give them a “main” present.

Original poster
SixDinnerSally · 12/12/2022 10:42

Thank you. I’m sure I’m over thinking it. I think that’s partly because it’s new territory and partly because I know that this person didn’t have an easy childhood so I suppose I just feel awkward spoiling my own DC. I think it’s a good time to scale things back at Xmas time, in any case.

OP posts:
Whatthediddlyfeck · 12/12/2022 10:43

I’m so glad to see this thread and other peoples thoughts. My eldest is 25 and lives with her partner while my youngest, 20 is still at home. I always feel a bit mean knowing that I always favour my eldest against her partner -although I’m still pretty generous towards him!

starrynight21 · 12/12/2022 10:43

I assume that the partner has a family, who will give them a gift at some stage ? I'm sure they will be fine to receive a smaller present from you - they are all adults, not little children who might get upset at the size of a gift.

Odile13 · 12/12/2022 10:44

I also agree that it’s normal to give a less expensive gift to a child’s partner. Don’t mention anything about the cost disparity though when you give the gifts - that would make it awkward. I would be very surprised if the partner expected a present of similar value - and if they did it doesn’t reflect well on them.

Failingateverything · 12/12/2022 10:47

It’s totally normal to spend 200pounds on a gift for your adult child (if you want to and have the money) and 20 on a token gift for their partner. They will not be expecting you to treat them the same as your children.

Failingateverything · 12/12/2022 10:48

Just don’t buy them pants. That would be weird. Socks are fine.

thewayround · 12/12/2022 10:50

How long have this partner been with you DS?

thewayround · 12/12/2022 10:51

Hosting someone over Christmas is a gift in itself

snowinthesticks · 12/12/2022 10:52

My two in early 20s both have long term girlfriends but don't live with them.
I buy something very nice but not on the scale of what I buy DC. For example posh pyjamas.
I think the partners would actually be uncomfortable and embarrassed to recieve a large gift. FWIW DS has told me that his GF's parents have bought him an expensive gift (she told him). He is now worried about whether he should reciprocate and he can't afford much. I have told him to just get wine or chocolates and not to worry.

VioletCharlotte · 12/12/2022 10:58

This is normal. I've spent about £200 on my DC1 (23). His main present is a games console. I've spent about £75 on his GF, but made sure to choose things that I know she'll really like.

BungleandGeorge · 12/12/2022 10:59

I think most of us have been in this situation, totally normal to give a larger present to your child. I think it would be awkward if you’re overly generous to the partner

Knors · 12/12/2022 11:07

bumbledeedum · 12/12/2022 10:35

I don't think any partner visiting would be expecting an equal size gift from their BF/GF's family. Just do as you've always done and give the partner the gift you've gotten for them

Exactly

Irishfarmer · 12/12/2022 11:13

I didn't spend Christmas day at their house but at that age I lived with a boyfriend, we were together for 6 years. His parents never got me a big present and I wouldn't have expected them to. The partner won't be expecting a gift.

If anything you might embarrass them as if they get you a gift it won't be a 'big' gift. Their gift might just be tagged onto DCs gift to you.

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2022 11:14

I have spend around £1000 on DD and bought her BF some chocolate penguins
Stop overthinking it

HowCanIPayItForward · 12/12/2022 11:21

Definitely normal to spend less on the partner.

My parents spend probably £100 on me and £50 on DH, but for the first couple of years we were together they spent more like £20 on him.

My inlaws bought me a token gift the first few years but since we've been married they've spent about the same on us both. But I think that's unusual, extremely generous and certainly not expected.

LemonSwan · 12/12/2022 11:37

SixDinnerSally · 12/12/2022 10:38

@bumbledeedum I’m sure you’re right but it still feels awkward.

No it’s really not awkward. I was this partner and the family used to give equal size / quantity of presents and I found that really awkward as there’s no way I could reciprocate.

ToastyFingers · 12/12/2022 11:45

I think as long as you don't give a deliberately small or cheap gift its fine. One year my ex-mil got me a mini pack of Lindt balls (the 4 pack 😅) and a can of supermarket brand mojito. I don't know what she was aiming for there, she'd spend at least £100 on my ex and each of the children so it would have been nice to have a bottle of wine or something at least.

Stardewbeam · 12/12/2022 12:00

You are definitely over thinking this.

My parents do spend the same on dh as they do on me but they didn’t right at the beginning of our relationship, and even now he doesn’t expect it in the slightest. Tbh I’d be perfectly happy for them to spend more on me than on him 😂

My in laws spend less on me than on DH but why wouldn’t they - he’s their child & I’m not.

No-one gets upset about this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/12/2022 12:05

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2022 11:14

I have spend around £1000 on DD and bought her BF some chocolate penguins
Stop overthinking it

@Hoppinggreen

A £1000?!
what have you bought?!