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Original poster

Young adult DC and ‘unequal’ gifts for their BF/ GF who are staying

80 replies

SixDinnerSally · 12/12/2022 10:34

My DC is 20 and recently moved out. They are on a low income and we are still at the stage of giving a main present (£200 ish at Christmas)

Thing is, this year their partner is coming to stay too and it’ll be embarrassing/ mean/ rude to give the main present in front of them. However, if I give it separately to them then my slightly younger DC would be the only one to get a main present on the day. That seems awkward too, as the gift exchange is a bit of a ritual for us, like many families. Obviously we have got the partner a gift, but not in the same league.

Any suggestions of a sensible and sensitive way to work around this?

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 12/12/2022 12:08

Once they're engaged I treat them the same for birthdays. Now we do a Secret Santa at Christmas and the inlaws/fiance joins in with that. But when we have had a friend with us on Christmas day while we open presents I have made sure that he/she has several things to open. My daughter's colleague joined us one year and he had half a dozen or so presents - nothing expensive but a jumper and edible/fun stuff. He was very grateful and later told my daughter that he had never been given so many presents. He was an adult and had no expectation of presents and brought biscuits and drink when he came but for me a lot of the fun is in giving so I enjoyed filling up a stocking for him.

ChristmasCwtch · 12/12/2022 12:16

You’re overthinking it. Nice, thoughtful gift for the partner doesn’t need to be anywhere near as expensive as something you’d buy for your child!!

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 12/12/2022 12:18

I'd get something like one of those fake oodies (( Tesco have lovely ones for £17 )) fluffy socks and some sweets. That will go down well with most 20 year.olds and it's a fairly cheap little pile to unwrap.

Luellie · 12/12/2022 12:25

You're very thoughtful OP, but I really wouldn't worry. My in laws spend more on my husband than me, and my parents spend more on me than my husband. No problems, never expected it to be any different!

ShirleywasaLady · 12/12/2022 12:46

I really wouldn't worry as others have said, they really won't expect to have something big from you.
When I was younger I used to have a boyfriend who's parents would give me really quite expensive presents for Christmas - often far more than my own parents would give me and it was mortifying to me (and also to my parents when they realised, especially as they would have 'only' given my boyfriend a token box of chocolates!).

JoyeuxNarwhal · 12/12/2022 13:03

The first Christmas dh and I spent with my parents I got the usual level of gift (perfume, small bit of jewellery, books etc) and dh got a selection box. He was happy enough with that, wasn't expecting anything at all. The next Christmas we spent with his folks and I got exactly the same as he did - sweet FA 😅

Yabado · 12/12/2022 13:08

I’ve given my son and his partners similar present so a an original Oodie , heated throw and some aftershave
but I’ve also given my son a big neon light that he wanted for his flat,
boxer shorts and a skull razor set that he wanted and a few other bits and pieces

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 13:11

I wouldn’t expect in-laws to really buy a gift for me, really, only something token - gloves, biscuits etc, if that.

NoSquirrels · 12/12/2022 13:19

How do you do present unwrapping?

In my family this has never been odd or awkward as we all unwrap en masse in a happy frenzy, so no one is the centre of attention and unequal gifts go unnoticed.

In my DH’s family, they take turns unwrapping one by one, and so it’s all eyes on the person in the spotlight. That can be awkward!

I’d make part of your DS’s gift something they can share (a meal out voucher or something) so she can unwrap that alongside her smaller gift.

Dittosaw · 12/12/2022 13:24

Partner isn’t going to be expecting a big present. Be warm and friendly, make their Christmas enjoyable and I am suite they will be overjoyed

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/12/2022 13:29

You are over thinking this.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 12/12/2022 13:45

We used to spend more on DS compared to his partner, but once they got together properly we now spend £100 on each of them and his DSD, however we are good family friends (godparents)and do lots with her family so it's slightly different .

ChippyTea16 · 12/12/2022 13:57

It would be a lot more awkward if you spent the same amount on the partner! Don't worry OP, no-one in their right mind would be expecting anything more than a token gift depending on the length of the relationship, it will be fine :)

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/12/2022 14:19

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2022 11:14

I have spend around £1000 on DD and bought her BF some chocolate penguins
Stop overthinking it

That’s just obnoxiously mean. I take it you hate him.

Sidking · 12/12/2022 14:55

Totally standard to give a token gift to partners, especially if the relationship is still fairly new (under a few years).

My partner has always had token gifts from my family, it's never been awkward at all, he would find it much more awkward to be gifted lots of something high value. This year he got 2 totalling about £30-40 (things I suggested that I knew he wanted) which I think is probably the most they've ever spent on him, and it was signed love mum & dad which I thought was lovely (he is no contact with his mum/sisters and not particularly close to his dad, no other family). We've been together nearly 15 years. The first few years it was chocolate or beer he liked.

Sidking · 12/12/2022 14:55

Lots OR* something high value

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2022 15:16

I also think it is normal to give a proper present to your dc and a token present to a partner.

But if you want a way round, you could give them a join present, something for their home maybe.

mam0918 · 12/12/2022 15:17

No partner expects the same gift as the actual child. Non of the parents back when I was 'dating' ever even bought me a gift, not until I was in an established relationship living with my now DH when I started getting token gifts.

DH parents will usually do something like pay DH car insurance (so hundreds of pounds, they are the 'practical' type), they buy me a jumper usually although occasionally its chocolates and a bottle of wine.

My parents usually bought me LOTS of bits and pieces that they put in a big sack (clothes, jewellery, perfume, household stuff, accessories, make up etc...), they buy DH a bottle of nice gin.

I dont know anyone who would spend the same on a S/DIL as they do on their own child and they certainly don't have to hide it.

QueenofallIsee · 12/12/2022 16:11

I don’t think a partner expects an even spend.
In our house the only partner that is included ‘almost’ like one of mine is my oldest daughters. They are 24 and live together. For perspective they have a joint gift for their home, a switch lite each (to play together) and my daughter does get some bits extra. Last year they both had AirPods, same drill. They’ve been together 5 years and lived with us for a while as adults. My teen kids girlfriends don’t get a ‘main gift’ as they are not quite family though I like them very much (hoodie/make up etc). At 16/17 its not quite the same is it?

closingscore · 12/12/2022 16:12

I really wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure partners won't expect an equivalent gift, I would just get a token gift within your budget and I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2022 17:19

Just get gf something nice. Mil always gots me lovely pj's, perfume and some nice chocolates when she got big pressie for then dp.

Loachworks · 12/12/2022 17:22

I spend the same on DS1 but give his fiancée £100 in a card to choose something she'd like. I don't feel awkward as she has her own family.
She will always assign the money later on and let me know, usually spending money on a city break or shoes.

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 18:04

Loachworks · 12/12/2022 17:22

I spend the same on DS1 but give his fiancée £100 in a card to choose something she'd like. I don't feel awkward as she has her own family.
She will always assign the money later on and let me know, usually spending money on a city break or shoes.

Why would you feel awkward for spending £100 on her? That’s a huge amount.

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 18:17

For me it would depend on whether the girlfriend was having presents from her own parents. If she wasn't, I'd do 50:50 with her and my son.

Perhapser · 12/12/2022 18:18

My DH’s family in the early days always put together a little stocking/gift bag for me. Not the same value as their gifts for him but I never expected anything and was blown away by the thought that had gone into my lovely things. I’ll be doing the same this year for first Christmas that my DS’s girlfriend is spending with us.

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