Young adult DC and ‘unequal’ gifts for their BF/ GF who are staying

[SixDinnerSally]

My DC is 20 and recently moved out. They are on a low income and we are still at the stage of giving a main present (£200 ish at Christmas)

Thing is, this year their partner is coming to stay too and it’ll be embarrassing/ mean/ rude to give the main present in front of them. However, if I give it separately to them then my slightly younger DC would be the only one to get a main present on the day. That seems awkward too, as the gift exchange is a bit of a ritual for us, like many families. Obviously we have got the partner a gift, but not in the same league.

Any suggestions of a sensible and sensitive way to work around this?

Once I was married my IL always bought us a joint gift ie a meal out etc.

I feel quite stingy after reading this thread. My ds is 18 and I have only spent £100 on him. Thought I was being good cutting back as he is an adult now 🤔😂

I don’t think it’s awkward, as a partner visiting in laws I wouldn’t expect any present, or maybe a token gift. Of course parents will get bigger gifts for their own kids. Seems weirder to give a gift separately

If the partner has their own parents who will be buying for them then a token gift is totally fine. If the partner doesn’t have their own parents then something kind/thoughtful would be nice but it doesn’t need to be too high value I don’t think.

One thing it might be worth being a bit conscious of is whether your family will all have loads to unwrap and the partner will only have one thing. If that might be the case I’d probably do a couple of smaller things (or a stocking if you still do one for your son?) rather than one bigger gift.

My mil spends roughly the same on me as all of her children, although the first year was more conservative. She includes me in everything and I love her for it. It's not the cost, it's how lovely it makes me feel, especially as ex mil was an evil witch who tried to cut me out of everything.

My DPs do a fairly token gift for DH, but they don't spend that much on me either, preferring to spend it on the kids. DH is less fond of them than I am of his DM! I do think equal up a bit when they are married / have kids but for a young GF I wouldn't worry over much.

It would be more awkward if you spent £100+ on her.

If they are in a newish relationship then I doubt they’d anticipate anything - but a token gift so they have something to open is lovely and I’m sure what most of us would do. I do think once people have very established couples then it’s probably a bit unnecessary to be spending so much on your children and many parents would then either get them a joint gift/experience or similar costing individual gifts. Def fine to go with different costs at earlier stages in the relationship though.

Last Christmas before ds proposed his gf got a sponge bag with her initial on it and some smellies inside. She's my dil now and they will get a joint gift - money towards - and a wrap- up each.

DD is having about £200 spent on her but that includes some theatre tickets for the betwixt days. Her bf is getting some sheet music and a packet of jaffa cakes (in-joke).

Similarly bf is likely to get something really nice from his parents and dd will get a token.

DS's first serious girlfriend's parents gave him £150 for his 21st. Now that felt really, really weird.

The first Christmas I was with DH, his parents gave me a little carved wood pot pourri bowl. It was about a tenner. Nearly 35 years ago and I treasure it. It's on my dressing table and I keep my earrings in it.

There's no issue with giving lower priced gifts, my mum for instance buys smaller gifts for dp and his girls.

A slightly different perspective…

My MIL always spends the same on me and DP every year. It costs her hundreds. I feel very awkward because as thoughtful and generous as it is, I know it’s because I’m the partner and I feel guilty that she’s spending all that money on me.

I’d far rather a thoughtful small gift. I tell her every year but she thinks I’m lying 😂…

I'd have been really embarrassed if my inlaws had spent the same amount on me as on their son on our first Christmas with them! It would be massively awkward. It could well have meant me getting a bigger present from than than from my own parents!

By the time my DH and I had been married for a few years, of course the presents started evening up, but that matched the way our relationships had developed. By then, I adored my PILs and they loved me too.

I felt a bit like rhis , but after asking a few friends , ir seems that the asvice onnthos thread is spot on

No way should you feel awkward.gst a few nice bits so there s a good scattering to open but no way should a partner be in the same league.my sister's partner gets a new green jumper every year(tradition now) a jokey one like sprout boxers and some bourbon biscuits and beer.he knows we love him to bits.
My brothers partner probably gets spoilt because she newer lol.but still nothing big.at all.
Don't make it awkward.

Eh? Not awkward at all.

It wouldn't cross my mind for DH's Mum to spend the same on me at Christmas as she does him, nor my parents to spend the same on him as me.

Even less when I was a girlfriend in my 20s.

you're godparents to your DIL? that's sweet

Agreed! My in laws spend a lot on me and I feel awkward accepting it. Particularly as my dad does the standard token gift for my DP.

I just assumed they were joking?

We had a similar situation last year, a bit last minute tbh, so time was definitely not on our side. We tried to make up for the disparity by getting the partner a few small gifts as well as a nice mainish one. Frankly, we had little idea what we would do, as he isn't a Christian and it was his first winter in the UK so his first Christmas - we didn't even know if he would have preferred not to be involved at all.

As it was, it was one of our loveliest Christmases ever ♥️♥️♥️

My DS in his early 20s also lives with his GF and they see both us and his GF's family on Christmas Day. We just swap presents as normal - with both sets of parents giving a larger present to their own DC and a smaller one to their partner .

I'm in my 20s and in a long term relationship. My parents spend a hell of a lot more on me than my DP. Does my DP care? No, because he has parents too who spend a lot more on him than me (I get a token present). Of course you’ll spend more on your own dc.

No need to worry - it is always the case on MN that people have very different financial situations.

A bit extreme

My MiL just buys a bunch of standard-issue DiL gifts and we all get one Candle, cashmere scarf (good year, that one), silver bracelet, whatever. Token gift only, everyone gets the same thing, everyone's happy. Her children get more meaningful, more expensive gifts - totally normal.

😂