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Original poster

Is this fair??

85 replies

goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:11

This year we have agreed just to do gifts for the children across all our families.

Usually our budget would be about £20/25 per child, always has been. We have 4 children in addition to our own to buy for (nieces/nephews).

This year BIL and SIL sent across a suggested gift for their DC. It is £50. DH asked if I thought it was a lot (yes), but he bought the gift and has said that it’s acceptable to spend more because this child is an only child. He went on to explain why the nephews/nieces on my side will have less spent on them as he’s treating them as a collective sibling unit.

Am I being a bit mad to think this is a bit off?

OP posts:
NoNamesLeft234678 · 07/12/2022 11:14

No, that doesn't sound fair. It sounds like he is favouring them because they're on his side of the family. I'd say it's only okay if it's coming out of his money 🤔

TeeBee · 07/12/2022 11:16

Hmmm. My sister has one child, the rest of us have two. So she's paying out for 4 while only receiving one in return. I always give her son more than the others.

JenniferBarkley · 07/12/2022 11:18

I think the budget should be per child rather than per household, so I don't think that DC should get more than other DC with siblings.

However, it's ok to have different customs on different sides of the family. BIL and SIL have about 15 DNs on SIL's side of the family and just our two DC on BIL's side. They buy for each of our DDs but on SIL's side they all just buy for godchildren.

Next year, be ready to state your budget in advance. If the extra £25 won't cause you any issues I'd let it go this year.

Riverlee · 07/12/2022 11:19

It was cheeky of in-laws to suggest a gift double the usual price. However, it put dh in an awkward position, and I can see how he has justified the expenditure. However, each child should be considered as an individual, not as a family unit.

Will that niece meet the other nephews and nieces with a smaller budget?

Keepitrealnomists · 07/12/2022 11:20

I have 2 DC, brother has 3 DC and I always spend more as they have 1 extra child. I don't see a problem spending more on one child of your happy to do so and can afford it. If your not happy then that's a problem or if you set a budget and it's not adhered too.

purpleme12 · 07/12/2022 11:20

There was a thread about this a couple of weeks ago!
I agree with you but the responses were very mixed with both viewpoints!

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:20

We don’t have ‘his money/my money’, it’s all ‘our money’.

I hadn’t really looked at the total cost spent from SIL/BIL (they will buy for our 2DC). That is a good point, but my DB and SIL on my side will buy for our 2 and receive 3… I’m not Scrooge enough to look at it like that and would have thought setting an affordable budget for us, per bead, was a better way to manage it.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:22

*per head, not bead!

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 11:22

I see his point, you are spending a lot more on your side 75 pounds, and objecting to to 50 on his side.

JenniferBarkley · 07/12/2022 11:25

Are his side traditionally more generous with the presents than yours? My ILs tend to give bigger gifts than my side, just different traditions as both sides have similar financial circumstances.

maddy68 · 07/12/2022 11:26

I don't think budgets should be set. Just buy something that the child would enjoy?

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 11:27

Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 11:22

I see his point, you are spending a lot more on your side 75 pounds, and objecting to to 50 on his side.

I agree. I think it's a logical approach.

His siblings a CFer though.

RewildingAmbridge · 07/12/2022 11:27

DB and SIL do this, because we buy for their two they always spend more on DS (only), I tell them it isn't necessary, but they look at it as family expenditure

IaminRome · 07/12/2022 11:28

It's not about what you get back tho!

My DB had kids before me and my other DB. We didn't know if we would ever have them at that point, but we still got the kids the presents anyway, because I want to buy something nice for my neice and nephews.

I think budgeting about it should be how much you can spend on your presents for people. If they have more to spend that's up to them, if they have less to spend that's up to them.

Christmas is about so much more than equal spending on presents across families.

Pineappleskies · 07/12/2022 11:31

You want someone to spend £80 on your kids while you spend £20 on theirs????

Gifts should come from love not bartering but if you want to use your logic you seem to be unreasonable by a factor of 4.

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:31

@IaminRome agree completely!

OP posts:
Noimaginationforaun · 07/12/2022 11:33

My BIL and SIL have 2 DD whereas me and DH have 1 DS. This year, they’ve bought DS 2 presents compared to us buying the girls 1 each. Monetary wise, we’ve both spent about £50.

However, we absolutely did not ask them to do this and it never actually occurred to me until SIL messaged me asking what else they could get DS.

As the parent of an only, I wouldn’t ever expect him to get more expensive gifts just because he’s on his own!

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:33

@Pineappleskies I don’t care what anyone buys or spends on my DC. They have asked what they can get, and I’ve sent some small ideas, but also ‘surprise them’. I have no expectations.

I would like to spend a consistent and fair amount across my nephews/nieces.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 07/12/2022 11:34

Pineappleskies · 07/12/2022 11:31

You want someone to spend £80 on your kids while you spend £20 on theirs????

Gifts should come from love not bartering but if you want to use your logic you seem to be unreasonable by a factor of 4.

For at least 10 years we spent at least £60 on DNs and had no children ourselves. It's not a tit for tat.

Pictograph · 07/12/2022 11:34

My brother has one DC and I have three. I think it's a bit cheeky to expect him to spend 3 times as much as I do, so I understand your DH's point of view. Here it usually ends up being something in between "per child" and "per family" (eg he spends £20 on each of mine and I spend £40 on his).

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:36

Ok to be clear this isn’t about what anyone is spending on our D.C.! It’s about what we are spending on nephews and nieces. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong though and it should be more “they spend X so we should too”?

OP posts:
Pictograph · 07/12/2022 11:37

Just because you don't think about it as "what they spend compared to what you spend" doesn't mean they are not thinking of it like that!

keepcalm11 · 07/12/2022 12:03

My perspective is to agree with OP. £20/£25 per niece or nephew seems very reasonable and it shouldn't matter which side of the family they are on or how many DC's the OP and DH have themselves.
BIL and SIL aksing for a £50 voucher for their child because they are an only child is taking the piss.

whimsical1975 · 07/12/2022 12:05

Honestly I think that if you've decided to set a budget per child then it should be understood that any amount up, no matter how small, up to the max limit can be spent per child. The decision on exactly how much to spend should rest solely with the adult buying the gifts.

So basically if you have 4 children, and your in-laws only want to spend £25 in total on your household, then they can choose to split that by 4 ie about £6 spent per child in your household. If this is the understanding up front then all adults have control over their expenditure and no-one needs to feel guilty, nor spend what they can't afford.

Perhaps that's the arrangement you already have in which case I don't see any reason for your DH to want to spend more than he max budget agreed upon. However, if the budget of £25 literally means you have to spend as close to that as you can per child then I can see why DH might want to spend a bit more on the single child household.

Waxxy · 07/12/2022 12:37

I find the whole budget thing a bit odd but maybe because we've never done that in our family. This year I've spend varying amounts on the different kids in my family because I've bought them what they wanted. Ranging from £20 to £45. Nobody has ever complained. For all they know I got the more expensive gifts in a sale somewhere.