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Original poster

Is this fair??

85 replies

goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:11

This year we have agreed just to do gifts for the children across all our families.

Usually our budget would be about £20/25 per child, always has been. We have 4 children in addition to our own to buy for (nieces/nephews).

This year BIL and SIL sent across a suggested gift for their DC. It is £50. DH asked if I thought it was a lot (yes), but he bought the gift and has said that it’s acceptable to spend more because this child is an only child. He went on to explain why the nephews/nieces on my side will have less spent on them as he’s treating them as a collective sibling unit.

Am I being a bit mad to think this is a bit off?

OP posts:
pinkksugarmouse · 07/12/2022 19:49

😡 As the mum of a now grown up only DD I wouldn’t be impressed. Only children are often assumed to be spoilt and parents do work hard to make sure this isn’t the case.

Its actually disrespectful to the parents trying to raise their child to share and take turns etc and fight the stereotype.

pinkksugarmouse · 07/12/2022 19:52

pinkksugarmouse · 07/12/2022 19:49

😡 As the mum of a now grown up only DD I wouldn’t be impressed. Only children are often assumed to be spoilt and parents do work hard to make sure this isn’t the case.

Its actually disrespectful to the parents trying to raise their child to share and take turns etc and fight the stereotype.

Having said this it doesn’t sound like these parents are trying to beat the stereotype by requesting an expensive gift and not even suggesting some lower cost ideas.

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2022 19:53

DBro has 3 kids and we have 2, we all spend roughly the same on each child
We don’t have a strict budget though, just a rough guide and it’s not discussed

Wiluli · 07/12/2022 19:55

is thsi your first Christmas together ? Did he buy something up to £50 before ? If so let him . I spend up to £50 to my nephews always did , while my partner spends less than £20 on his . So we both still do that . If he asked me to lower my budget I would tell him no . I would be fine with him increasing the budget to his family .

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 07/12/2022 19:57

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 18:28

I think it's a little rude sending over a £50 toy suggestion.

I agree. I wonder (clutching at straws) if the £50 had been on offer at substantially less. Some toy shops do apparent 50% discounts which seem to run for a lot of the year, but for a few weeks each year they are artificially inflated so they can keep advertising the "bargain" discount.

We probably do spend a little more on our only child niece but nowhere near double, let alone 4 times as much as we do on the other side. In my defence, it's more that the bigger family would drown in stuff if we bought them 4 big things for the sake of it, whereas an only child has zero stuff handed down or shared and needs new games, books etc at each new stage. We nominally spend the same, but we end up rounding down a bit in the big family and rounding up a bit for the only child.

anon666 · 07/12/2022 20:26

If you have 4 DC, their present budget for your family would be £100. In that context it doesn't seem unreasonable to spend £50 in return on their family.

I've never made much of a difference between 2 or 3 kids as it seems petty, but 4:1 is a very big differential.

Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 20:40

anon666 · 07/12/2022 20:26

If you have 4 DC, their present budget for your family would be £100. In that context it doesn't seem unreasonable to spend £50 in return on their family.

I've never made much of a difference between 2 or 3 kids as it seems petty, but 4:1 is a very big differential.

No I think she’s 2 kids, I’m not sure why she included buying her own kids gifts. But she’s four kids who are not hers to buy for. Three her side. One his side,

she’s saying 25 a head, so she wants to spend 75 quid on her family and 25 on his family , he’s said as it’s only one kid he’s ok to raise it to 5o as they spend 75 quid on hers. She’s said, no . He gets only 25 quid, anything more is too much.

Judgyjudgy · 07/12/2022 20:41

Well if it's about what's fair, then it does seem fair. If you have 4 children and they have one, why should they spend 3x more than you? Really don't see the big deal Hmm

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 07/12/2022 20:43

We have one DS17.

4 Dnephews on my side, & 3 DNephews's & DNiece on DH's.

We budget £50 per child.

Dsis and Bil usually spend around £100 each on DS.

We have not asked for or expect this but they both insist as we treat each of their children individually and it equates to the double amount that we spend on them.

Judgyjudgy · 07/12/2022 20:48

Judgyjudgy · 07/12/2022 20:41

Well if it's about what's fair, then it does seem fair. If you have 4 children and they have one, why should they spend 3x more than you? Really don't see the big deal Hmm

To elaborate, the whole thing seems to miss the point of Christmas and spending time with family... but if people are getting obsessed with what is being spent, then if you really want to be "fair", then I'd look at total spend on household not per child

anon666 · 07/12/2022 20:51

Fragrantandfoolish · 07/12/2022 20:40

No I think she’s 2 kids, I’m not sure why she included buying her own kids gifts. But she’s four kids who are not hers to buy for. Three her side. One his side,

she’s saying 25 a head, so she wants to spend 75 quid on her family and 25 on his family , he’s said as it’s only one kid he’s ok to raise it to 5o as they spend 75 quid on hers. She’s said, no . He gets only 25 quid, anything more is too much.

Show quote history

Oh whoops, I got it completely wrong. Fair enough then, I see the point.

In which case YANBU.

Livinginanotherworld · 07/12/2022 21:05

i hate all this “ well we only have 2 children and they have 3/4 or however many” so we won’t spend as much. Just set a budget you can afford for each child in the family and stick to it. It’s not about who spends more. It all smacks of tit for tat in my eyes and that’s not what gift giving is all about. Ffs !

The same people are those who cry “well I didn’t have a starter or I’m not drinking” at a restaurant, but that’s a whole other thread and it’s been done to death.

ancientgran · 07/12/2022 21:07

goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:33

@Pineappleskies I don’t care what anyone buys or spends on my DC. They have asked what they can get, and I’ve sent some small ideas, but also ‘surprise them’. I have no expectations.

I would like to spend a consistent and fair amount across my nephews/nieces.

People on here frequently say to get men to sort out presents for their side of the family. Seems like that's what he's done.

I can see the argument from both sides but if he's taking responsibility for his family I'd let him get on with it.

SheWoreYellow · 07/12/2022 21:10

Hm, my mum and sister make a bigger deal out of Christmas and birthdays, so I spend more on them than we do on DH’s side. That’s fine.

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 21:24

@ancientgran you make a very good point indeed…. A very good point!

OP posts:
Georgybell · 07/12/2022 21:39

This is fair! She is having to pay more as someone who only has one child herself!

Misspacorabanne · 07/12/2022 21:49

I agree with SIL/BIL you should spend more on the 1dc as they are buying for 4 of your kids! You think 50 pounds is alot, but how do you think SIL and BIL feel having to spend an 80-100 pounds on your dc! Same with my SIL she has six and I have two! We spend alot more in total on the 6 nieces /nephews than they spend on our two!

welshmercury · 07/12/2022 22:05

I think your issue is with husband more. Putting a cap on your spending on your side of family.

maybe next year should suggest you call time on gift giving

Original poster
goldpendant · 07/12/2022 22:09

Lots of people not reading the thread.

I have 2 DC.

I have 3 nephews on one side (mine), and one niece on the other (DH’s).

In any case, @ancientgran has won me over. DH has bought and it is one less for me to think about!

OP posts:
HollyDollyChristmas · 07/12/2022 22:47

You spend what you can afford/budget. We have a similar budget but I have always spent an extra £10 on the niece and nephew that are only children.

allboysherebutme · 07/12/2022 23:12

I have two children, if my sister had one I would spend the same on her one as she would my two. X

jamira · 07/12/2022 23:15

Rude of them to ask for a £50 gift when precedent is half that. I would object on principle.

Mamaneedsadrink · 08/12/2022 06:34

Misspacorabanne · 07/12/2022 21:49

I agree with SIL/BIL you should spend more on the 1dc as they are buying for 4 of your kids! You think 50 pounds is alot, but how do you think SIL and BIL feel having to spend an 80-100 pounds on your dc! Same with my SIL she has six and I have two! We spend alot more in total on the 6 nieces /nephews than they spend on our two!

This ... but also why don't you not do gifts and put the money towards an event eg going to the zoo, museum etc. That's what we do in our family for the kids so they spend some quality time together rather than just get a bunch of toys that they actually don't need

mam0918 · 08/12/2022 09:58

Mamaneedsadrink · 08/12/2022 06:34

This ... but also why don't you not do gifts and put the money towards an event eg going to the zoo, museum etc. That's what we do in our family for the kids so they spend some quality time together rather than just get a bunch of toys that they actually don't need

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OP doesnt have 4 kids but even if she did like people keep claiming they would NOT have to spend £80-£100.

No one HAS to spend anything.

Its pure cheek to ask for a £50 gift, for all they know OP could have spent £5 each on the other 3 cousins.

If CF CHOOSES to spend £50 on OPs kid thats on her it is NOT tit for tat.

Mamaneedsadrink · 08/12/2022 10:57

mam0918 · 08/12/2022 09:58

OP doesnt have 4 kids but even if she did like people keep claiming they would NOT have to spend £80-£100.

No one HAS to spend anything.

Its pure cheek to ask for a £50 gift, for all they know OP could have spent £5 each on the other 3 cousins.

If CF CHOOSES to spend £50 on OPs kid thats on her it is NOT tit for tat.

Show quote history

OP does have 4 kids. She asked if it's fair ... they probably spend about this anyway on OP given she does have 4 kids ...
You're right though, it shouldn't be tit for tat, misses the point of Christmas and spending time with friends and family anyway. It's no wonder people get so stressed this time of the year