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Original poster

Is this fair??

85 replies

goldpendant · 07/12/2022 11:11

This year we have agreed just to do gifts for the children across all our families.

Usually our budget would be about £20/25 per child, always has been. We have 4 children in addition to our own to buy for (nieces/nephews).

This year BIL and SIL sent across a suggested gift for their DC. It is £50. DH asked if I thought it was a lot (yes), but he bought the gift and has said that it’s acceptable to spend more because this child is an only child. He went on to explain why the nephews/nieces on my side will have less spent on them as he’s treating them as a collective sibling unit.

Am I being a bit mad to think this is a bit off?

OP posts:
mam0918 · 07/12/2022 12:54

Im just amazed by the CFerness of asking for a £50 gift.

Thats a LOT of money.

If my brother had insisted on ideas to buy my kid something I would be looking for suggestions under £10 (£15 max) not bloody £50.

mam0918 · 07/12/2022 13:00

Also people saying you expect £80 while they only get £20 thats not how gift giving works.

People set their own budget, if there is an agreed 'family' budget that means to spend LESS than that per person (to stop it spiralling out of control) not you 'must' spend that per child.

So someone could choose to spend £25 on only child DN and their brother could choose to only spend £5 on their 3 DNs, they dont HAVE to spend £75 because their sibling spent £25.

I also find the giving to recieve cringe-y... I buy for people I never get gifts from, I do it because I want to give them a gift.

TrashyPanda · 07/12/2022 13:12

I agree with your DH.

Venetiaparties · 07/12/2022 14:55

I think it is a bit cheeky of them to ask for such an expensive present! And not a precedent I would want to set. What if they go on to have more children in time?

ChristmasCwtch · 07/12/2022 14:59

My niece is an only child. I always spend double on her.

Cuwins · 07/12/2022 15:07

I don't think it matters what you spend on the other side really. But if it's shared money then the budget should be agreed in advance between you.
It's perfectly fine to spend different amounts on different people/sides of the family as different families will have their own traditions as to who the buy for, who gets token gifts, family gifts, secret Santa's etc.
My partner buys for his aunts and uncles as that's always been their tradition to exchange presents. I don't as adults presents other than parents and grandparents have never been a thing in my family. He has always spent more on his parents than I have. And they on him etc.
Equally I still have a living grandparent who I buy a present for.
Amounts spent are never going to be equal, but it's shared money so we agree a budget for each person before hand.
I imagine there are few families where spending on each side is going to be equal- 1 side of a family might have remarried parents/step siblings and another might not.

DuchessOfSausage · 07/12/2022 15:11

It's not fair on the DC who get something that cost £20. They didn't choose to have several siblings.
What is unfair is when DSib with 1 child gives several DNs one gift to share between them. A friend fell out with her DSIL over this. Her DB and DSil had 4 DC not particularly close in age, DFriend had one DC.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 15:13

DuchessOfSausage · 07/12/2022 15:11

It's not fair on the DC who get something that cost £20. They didn't choose to have several siblings.
What is unfair is when DSib with 1 child gives several DNs one gift to share between them. A friend fell out with her DSIL over this. Her DB and DSil had 4 DC not particularly close in age, DFriend had one DC.

But the OP's siblings didn't choose for their sister to have 4 children either

Ponderingwindow · 07/12/2022 15:24

I agree with your DH. Though I caveat that by saying that any children opening gifts together should have similar gifts.

there are also different gift giving protocols on Dh’s side and on my side. Some families are more extravagant, some more modest. Some have certain traditions that are followed. We work with each family culture on our respective sides

i also don’t follow a strict budget. My budget is a general guideline. My goal is to get something the recipient will love. Sometimes I can do that for next to nothing. Occasionally I find something so perfect for a person that it is worth a splurge. When I have children opening gifts together, by goal is that they have the same amount of joy, not that I spent the same amount of money on each.

WednesdayFridayAddams · 07/12/2022 15:43

TeeBee · 07/12/2022 11:16

Hmmm. My sister has one child, the rest of us have two. So she's paying out for 4 while only receiving one in return. I always give her son more than the others.

I have one child.
one sibling has 3, the other has 4.

I spend the same in each of my nephews/nieces and I don’t expect more for my DC just because I only have one.

It would be very unfair for one set of my DN to have say £33 spent on each of them but the other set to have only £25 spent on them each.
I feel very strongly that the DC should have the same amount, and are treated individually, rather than a collection of kids.

TeeBee · 07/12/2022 15:51

Well each to their own. My sister with one child is the least well off in our family (in fact very much so). I give her son more to ease the burden of buying from her. Him having more spending money of his own means he can buy himself clothes and items that she wouldn't be able to afford.

Neverhot · 07/12/2022 15:55

I have 3 dc and my ds spends around £25 on each of them. She has 1 dc so I do purposely spend more on her dc as it wouldn't feel fair spending £25 and her spending £75 so I try to spend around £50 to even it out a little.

whatkatydid2013 · 07/12/2022 16:03

We spend vastly different amounts different years per Nephew as I just look for something I think they will like. So this year one has an England football shirt (£65, which seems ridiculous for a top but it's what he wants) and other has some Playmobil that was around £25. My two have requested some second hand toys this year as school is big on environment so my inlaws are searching marketplace for Sylvanians, Lego & Minecraft bits.

parietal · 07/12/2022 16:03

In our family, we have a rule that all cousins give to all other cousins with a small price limit (£20).

So if the kids are

A1 A2 A3 (children of A)
B1 B2 (children of B)
C1 (child of C)

then C has to purchase 5 gifts for nieces / nephews (A1, A2, A3, B1, B2) but also C1 receives 5 gifts from her 5 cousins. the gifts C purchases will all be labelled as coming from C1, and as they get older, the kids can have a role in chosing / wrapping gifts for their cousins.

similarly, A has to purchase 9 gifts for nieces / nephews from each of A1, A2, A3 to each of B1, B2, C1. And her children each receive 3 gifts from each of their 3 cousins, making 9 gifts on total.

That way, things work out equally no matter how many children are in each family.

Winter2020 · 07/12/2022 16:13

I think if money is tight you can feel very fed up or stressed buying for a large family while not being able to afford to get your own child what you would like to.

Perhaps SIL wants her child to have the £50 toy but can't afford to get it for them because she is busy buying for 5 cousins.

I would just get the toy without resentment. You are no more out of pocket than theyare.

It's too late this year but early next year you could suggest you all have a Christmas day out instead of doing presents. (Or even xmas day out znd token presents only under £10). Then people will pay for the children they have and you won't have to worry about any of this.

Winter2020 · 07/12/2022 16:17

*Christmassy day like a farm park/snow Park etc not on Xmas day.

Relocatiorelocation · 07/12/2022 16:22

It sounds slice you've set a budget that your husband doesn't agree with, he wants to spend more.
I'd be fucked if DH ever tried to tell me what to spend on my side of the family, and frankly he wouldn't dare.

clutterbugger · 07/12/2022 17:03

I know you think it's not to do with how much is spent on your DC but that is a factor in how much other people spend, in laws have same amount of children as us so about 25 each there and I always spend on my 2 dn on my side a little extra as there's only one each so parents are spending double on our 2 so I'll add the extra for theirs. It's never actually been a discussion but it'd be there same reversed.

Siblings also don't buy each other here so we get a gift from DC for the aunt's who don't have DC.

marmitetoastie · 07/12/2022 17:08

I think if you’re the person with 4 kids & they are given a £25 present each vs you buying 1 present for their child, then this isn’t unreasonable. I think bil/sil are saying this politely.

a lot of us wouldn’t care, but they clearly do care. Suck it up & stay on good terms with them. They aren’t being tight

marmitetoastie · 07/12/2022 17:11

I have a lot of family children to buy for (15) so I ended up doing a family gift to each household as I simply couldn’t justify buying each one separately. Maybe ask for a board game for your kids in future and give one in return.

Fleabigg · 07/12/2022 17:47

We do approx same spend per child rather than per household (I’m the one with an only child, siblings all have 2 or 3). If it was a one off and something the child really wanted I’d probably just get it though.

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 18:26

I don't think it's fair but I have 1 child and my sister has 4 and I've spent just under £40 for each child so around £160 and I know full well my sister will get my 1 son way move than £40 worth of stuff as she wrongly feels bad that I have to buy for 4. She shouldn't I adore them and have told her not to.

MoreSleepPleasee · 07/12/2022 18:28

I think it's a little rude sending over a £50 toy suggestion.

DuchessOfSausage · 07/12/2022 19:11

@girlmom21 , no, but Christmas is for the children. Maybe the sibling couldn't have more than one child.

AlphabetStew · 07/12/2022 19:48

I have two brothers. One has two DC. The other has nine. I spend ~£25 on DBro1s DC but I don't have over £200 to spend on DBro2s.