The Christmas I’m going to have Versus one I really want

[Toomanysleepycats]

Another thread made me start thinking how much compromise so many people (but especially wives and mothers) make to have the perfect family Christmas for everyone else.

I just wondered about having a thread where people posted what they are actually doing, but also what they wished they were doing, to see how far apart they are. I’d like to know if any mumsnetter will be getting her perfect Christmas.

I’ll go first. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My Dd is diplomatically having a quiet Xmas at home with her partner. I’m going to ignore Xmas this year, not in a bah humbug way, just that I’ve always been in charge of everything before (not through choice), so a Not Christmas will be a lovely lazy treat.

My perfect Xmas would either be with my Dd and her DP, but just for a visit, not to stay all day and night. Otherwise it’s sitting on a beach in the sun.

Reality is we are going to inlaws Christmas eve to Boxing day. My dream Christmas would be home Christmas eve and Christmas morning then see family for lunch and the rest of Christmas day. I'd be happy to alternate years between families. Unfortunately my parents are too far away to do this and inlaws want us to stay for longer.

I'm going to my parents along with dp, dd1 & her boyfriend, plus dsd's (lovely mum) but I would love for the kids to go to their other parents and to have Christmas Day morning the 2 of us, and go to my parents later, or better still go away.

I'm over family Christmas but if I've got to have the (adult) kids then thankfully mum is still up for the catering

Great thread - love to see how people are spending it Vs what they'd love to do!

Reality - alternating between my family and DHs family each year. This year is my family who are very relaxed and live local so I'll get close to perfect! In our home just the four of us to start, family coming over for various bits but not staying over. Christmas dinner, crap TV, village pub for a drink, nibbles. DH family year is my personal hell- has to be at their home 3 hours away so carting the kids about, nowhere to stay with family so have to book a hotel which is inevitably expensive and not very Christmassy with two tiny children (plus can't just enjoy the hotel as expected to fall in with family activities at every moment), MIL constantly trying to take the children from me for all the fun bits (present opening, games, traditions) but giving them back the second they cry or need a nappy change like I'm the hired help.

What I'd like - what I'm getting above but with the addition of an in-home chef, a guaranteed decent night sleep every night from 20th December to the new year (we have 2 under 3yrs so it's been a good three years since I've slept through and had a lie in!), plenty of wine / Christmas cocktails with no hangover, beautiful crisp cold weather with a bit of snow that doesn't go slushy, and a visit from mil and fil where they pretend to be civil for one day for the sake of DH - but just a visit, nobody sleeps over so by the evening we can flop on the sofa and finish the miniature hero's in peace!

I had my dream family Christmas over covid! Basically we were hosting (so I get to sleep in my own bed, decorate to my taste, do all the fun bits) but due to the rules no one could stay overnight and everyone stayed in a local hotel - so we just had Christmas Eve drinks out, then a break, relaxing night, got to do kids stockings in bed and shower in morning, before they descended all day Christmas day (and DH cooked so I just poured drinks and made endless cups of tea) and then just met outside for a walk on Boxing Day.

Compared to the usual 4/5 days of running myself ragged catering 3 meals a day and snacks, etc. And sharing cramped quarters with too many people, (trying to dry the washing when there's no where to put the drier, over excited kids sleeping on our floor so I don't get any rest) it was bliss.

Short of pandemic rules I won't ever get one like that again though. This year my mum is hosting so I get out of all the catering, but get an uncomfy airbed and endless waiting for a bathroom in exchange, and next year we'll be on the hook for the full shebang again...

💐for all facing difficult and sad times.

Current dream scenario: foraging for greenery to deck the halls, a big real Christmas tree plus some slightly smaller ones dotted around, snowball fights, roaring open fireplace, twinkling lights and lots of candles, the great all day feast and making merry with whomever wishes to join us or pop in for nibbles and drinks, Boxing Day buffet get together & singsong with wider family.

My current reality: foraging in the storage cupboard for the faux greenery to deck the halls, a big faux tree and some slightly smaller faux ones dotted around (very allergic to real greenery), a flocked tree and fake snowballs (am overseas and it isn’t ever going to snow) roaring fire on the tv with crackling sounds, twinkly lights with a few led candles and one scented candle, the great all day feast and making merry with immediate family, friends and friends of friends plus lots of short video calls to family and friends afar, leftovers served buffet style on Boxing Day and a virtual get together and singsong with the wider family dotted all around the globe.

Not too far off really.

It seems to me that those who love cooking, or have a DP who does the cooking have an ‘unfair’ advantage than us lesser mortals who either don’t actually enjoy cooking or feel under confident to cook en masse!

Does being an extrovert add to the joy of a big family Christmas? Is that why you love the mess and chaos and noise? Or do you have to really like all the family members to enjoy it. I’m an introvert so I usually find it all too ‘peopley’, although alcohol used to help me get through it.

I also think having children makes it worth while trying to find the magic. Sometimes teenagers can make it harder, all they want to do is booze, eat and sleep but without the gratitude.

We always seemed to spend most xmases with my husbands family, Pils or Bils.
My FIL was a very big man with an uncertain temper. He would start off full of bonhomie but within hours his sons would have pissed him off and he would stomp around the house effing and blinding to everyone but them. Their big tradition on Christmas Day was no TV (definitely common) but Party Games! I hate party games, so would drink simply to lower my inhibitions. There was nothing risqué, I just don’t like forced participation.

Maybe there should be a question on dating sites about this, so it doesn’t lead to a lifetime of dreading Christmas because your potential partner wants the opposite of whatever you like!

Does being an extrovert add to the joy of a big family Christmas? Is that why you love the mess and chaos and noise? Or do you have to really like all the family members to enjoy it.

I love it and I'm not an extrovert. I feel very comfortable and relaxed with my extended family (including my in-laws), so it doesn't feel like socialising/entertaining in the same way that it would with friends or acquaintances. Also our Christmasses really aren't messy, chaotic or especially noisy! We do play games, but everyone is very chilled out about it and nobody is forced to join in.

We never really watch tv at Christmas (my family or in-laws). It's not forbidden, it's just not something we particularly want to do! My dc are 14 and 17. They still happily spend all of Christmas and NY with extended family and join in with everything.

I think you may be right about the question on the dating sites, OP. There is no doubt in my mind that what a partner's family is like, and the partner's relationship with them, can have a massively positive or negative effect on a couple's relationship and how their family life turns out.

I will be rushing around between cooking for those at home and visiting elderly DM, DD and her family and DB and DSIL
Ideally I would be somewhere warm with nice food and lots of cocktails