The Christmas I’m going to have Versus one I really want

[Toomanysleepycats]

Another thread made me start thinking how much compromise so many people (but especially wives and mothers) make to have the perfect family Christmas for everyone else.

I just wondered about having a thread where people posted what they are actually doing, but also what they wished they were doing, to see how far apart they are. I’d like to know if any mumsnetter will be getting her perfect Christmas.

I’ll go first. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My Dd is diplomatically having a quiet Xmas at home with her partner. I’m going to ignore Xmas this year, not in a bah humbug way, just that I’ve always been in charge of everything before (not through choice), so a Not Christmas will be a lovely lazy treat.

My perfect Xmas would either be with my Dd and her DP, but just for a visit, not to stay all day and night. Otherwise it’s sitting on a beach in the sun.

Mine will be pretty perfect.

Seeing my 2 DC and their partners - and their partners parents - for a big buffet for 10, at ours the weekend before Christmas day, with lots of party games and giggles and booze.

Then the Friday before - the 23rd, me and DH are seeing the 2 DC at a pub that lies half way between their homes (and about 25 miles from us) for a pub lunch. We will exchange Christmas presents then.

Then from the afternoon of 23rd December, it's just me and DH til NYE when we go to the local village pub party.

BEFORE that period of time ... 18th December to NYE ... I am meeting up with a couple of friends in mid December, and DH's Christmas party is next weekend and we're going to a panto THIS weekend. Also I'm going to a few things at the local Church and Parish Hall during December too. Christmas fair, Christingle, Village Christmas Tree and Christmas lights switch on. Then the Christmas morning Communion on 25th December- obvs! and a Carol Service on 21st December.

I have very little extended family left now. A brother who lives 5000 miles away who I see every 3 years or so, and a few cousins who I see 2 or 3 times a year maybe. Both mine and DH's parents died some years ago. Aunts and Uncles have pretty much all passed away too. Got several each but they live 100s of miles away. DH's brother lives 3000 miles away. Again, we see him every 3 years or so. My close family now is me and DH, and our 2 adult children, and their partners. Eventually there will be grandchildren. Hopefully! they both want them and so do their partners.

When I see some threads on here, and hear stories in real life of the shit people have to endure at Christmastime, I am glad we have so little family. I spent a few years people pleasing, and having Christmases other people wanted, when I was younger, and when the kids were younger (1990s and the noughties.) Not now. The whole Christmas period and December as a whole, is wonderful and great fun and relaxing and lovely now.

We will be at home, the 4 of us plus adult DSD and MIL. I'm doing Xmas dinner on Xmas Eve so I don't spend all day cooking. We will have champagne and a nice walk and overexcited kids. DSD and his girlfriend will come from Boxing Day. It will be low key, relaxing and hopefully fun. I wish my parents were coming but they are spending it with my brother, and we will see them all the weekend before. My sister lives abroad so we will miss her. In general though I consider myself to be very lucky.

I'm going to my mums with my DH and 6 month old DD, all our family will be there, we're in middle of home renovations so our house is literally a building site but if it wasn't I'd prefer to be hosting Christmas at ours. I enjoy cooking dinner and doing all the decorating of the table etc. I always feel like a spare part when I spend Christmas at others houses as I'm used to hosting so I feel a bit weird. I also like the fact that when I'm hosting at home I don't have to drive anywhere at all and once everyone has gone home I can just put my pjs on, feet up and enjoy a Baileys and some Christmas choccies in front of the tele.

Boxing Day we're going to my DH family who live far away and I dislike and it will be a day of me sitting awkwardly being expected to be nice to people I essentially hate, so honestly I'd rather stay in my pjs all day at home watching rubbish on TV and eating leftovers. Also DH family let their kids run wild all day jumping on furniture, interrupting any conversations, screaming and carrying on etc, so there will be no adult conversation at all and it will bore me to death. I'll be counting down the minutes until I can leave and spend rest of my Christmas driving home!

I've always dreamt of a small quiet Christmas just me, DH and DD but we have a big family so there is always expectation to be here, there and everywhere.

Fantasy: Staying at my parents on Xmas eve, with dc and DC with sister and nephew there too. My mum's Christmas dinner how she used to cook it, with bowls of chocolates/ garlic sticks / Bombay mix out and hot mulled wine as we open presents at 11 once everyone is dressed.

Reality: Probably won't be there to stay Xmas eve. DP has said it's his turn to choose Xmas dinner food and he doesn't want a turkey dinner. Has got sauerkraut and mash in his head for some reason. Sister died last year and nephew lives a country away. Slowly realising things won't go back to how they were and what is in my head is unachievable.

Are you literally me? This is my exact problem too. DP isn't the chattiest but he can hold his own in most groups. My family are interesting, talkative people and he sits there looking at his phone.

Cottage in dorset near the sea...potluck from the supermarket for dinner ..hoping for fish n chips xmas eve ..just us and the dog...cant wait ...tiny family and lots of poor health so been a crap year holiday wise....will do present swop before and buffet with friends between. Really looking forward to it....

Dream: Xmas in the Caribbean or similar. Or at the very least eating out somewhere. Or in a few years when DC go elsewhere, back to how it was pre DC where DH and I drink champagne and play trivial pursuit together all day.

Reality: I'm hosting again for year 15 because my brother can't be bothered asking my parents to lunch with him and his small children.

Mine pretty much should be perfect... only way it could be better is if the baby I lost 7 years ago was here with us (xmas always hits home the empty spot at the table) but other than that we do exactly what we want each year.

I think in your shoes OP I would be booking to go to that sunny beach.

Thinking of you all who are missing someone this Christmas. 💔

I’m extremely fortunate to be doing what I want this year. It isn’t always so. Will be away on a snow holiday 14th-18th, seeing family 19th-22nd (they live far away!), work 23rd while my DD goes to her dad then she is home with me from Xmas eve right through. It will be just us hanging out. Staying in PJs as long as we want, going for a walk on the beach, eating Christmas food, opening presents. I think we’ll see a few friends but mainly quiet time at home with no stress and no pressure.

Mine is close to what I would choose. We are going to my sisters and her family. My parents and brother will be there with his family too and my FIL. It just gets really noisy and loud and we are there for hours! I would shorten the time we were there and have some more time at home on our own but otherwise the same.

I suspect he thinks they are bonkers/can’t relate to them-but I’m afraid to ask incase it’s true… as I don’t know how to ‘fix’ that.

His parents are very conservative and split when he was young. I don’t think he’s ever had the big friendly ‘everybody squeeze up together’ type family that I’ve grown up in and he just can’t relate to it.

Mine's hard work but it's what I want. Kids back from uni or coming to stay from Christmas Eve for a few days (including 2 GC) Extra friends coming so will be 13/14. All help with cooking etc so not at all stressful
Boxing Day my Mum and Dad, brother and sister will come with their families. Total chaos but all good.
I'm completely knackered by the end but that's my choice.
If there were less of us I would go to a posh hotel, get all dolled up and be served everything

Ideally - I’d have a Christmas from my childhood (but with the people from now too if you see what I mean). So many people crammed in to my nanny’s tiny two up two down, if you got up for any reason your seat was gone in a flash and you had to sit on the floor on your return. The garish decorations covering every available surface from the ceiling down. The card and board games. Home made trifle, mince pies and Christmas cake. I’d even drink the Liebfraumilch that nanny thought was posh! And best of all my Nanny, grandad, dad and brother would still be here to enjoy it too.

Reality - just me and adult DD. The day will be lovely in it’s own way but dear God I crave the Christmases from my childhood.

Reality just the four of us and the dog at home on our own as per lovely and relaxing but mw cooking and trying to keep the house relatively tidy.

Ideal just the four of us and the dog staying in a large clean gorgeous log cabin in a ski resort or lovely little village with snow outside and a lovely large log fire. Even more ideal someone else cooking all the main meals and doing the cleaning.

We are doing what we want this year.
Me and dp will get up and have smoked salmon and fizz.
Then go for a lovely walk followed by a Christmas film ( Die Hard) .
All good is ordered from M&S so just need to Chuck it in the oven.
Will open presents after Christmas dinner.

Dream - spending Christmas Day at home with DH & the kids doing everything at our own pace.

Reality - spending Christmas Day at home with DH & the kids doing everything at our own pace.

I refuse to do anything other than spend Christmas at home with my kids. The times I’ve relented and traveled to other homes I’ve regretted it, so we now stick to just the 5 of us at home.

If all goes to plan, this Christmas should be pretty much perfect.

My parents are with DSis and BiL and his extended family, which means that DH, DD and I will have a lazy day just we three, no stress of Christmas Lunch (we'll do it at some point when we feel like it) as we'll have a buffet.

Get up, open stockings in our bed, breakfast, walk DDog, home, eat mince pies, drink a bottle of something, open presents, fling M&S party food in the oven, drink a bottle of something else, eat, play with DD'S presents and so on. No pressure, just cozy, comfortable and laid back.

I actually am having Christmas my way, always do. I rule the roost when it comes to Christmas! I do most of the cooking apart from Christmas Eve ham cooked by DH. But that's how it like it. I love Christmas!!

Reality, Christmas with my MiL and daughter's family. The downside is that DFiL died in June and MiL has advanced dementia.

Perfect would be a warm cottage somewhere snowy with all my children and grandchildren , although that would be a large cottage

Perfect Christmas would be sitting on a beach somewhere, maybe some scuba diving and Christmas dinner from the bbq. It would be just the DD’s and I.

Reality, I have my DF over for Christmas, he has recently split from his partner and likes to moan about it a lot including slagging her off constantly and telling me how hard done by he is. He won’t eat Turkey, must have prawn cocktail and also hates Christmas pudding. So my day will be mainly pleasing him and trying to keep things calm for the DD’s who both have ASD.

In dream world I’d be in a ski resort being catered for and skiing. The reality is I don’t mind hosting my parents but my DSis just never makes plans… quote when I asked what shall we do for Xmas “oh I’m sure someone can rustle up a roast if needed..” So as usual I’ll do all the planning shopping and hosting despite having more kids and working full time whilst she has one kid and doesn’t work!

I'd love to spend Christmas either just at home but with only my husband and kids or else in a wooden lodge in the forest somewhere.

I reality we have (as every year) parents, in laws and extra relatives coming over who don't do anything to help even as much as get themselves a drink 🙈

So sorry to read about this . What a difficult time for you 💐
I am not sure if this will be my last Christmas so looking forward to DH, DC and DGC all being here.

Dream: relaxing Christmas at home with my three young children and husband, and a leisurely day of present opening and eating.

Reality: my youngest child died of cancer last year so day will be silently fighting tears/ having a quiet cry when the other children are busy and doing the minimum required to get through the day and keep it "normal" for the others so their entire life is not fucked up by this. Shutting off all social media for the week so I don't have to see any picture perfect families enjoying Christmas when I no longer can.

Having my parents and my brother and his partner round at our house with our 3 yo DS. My Dad and I will be cooking. It’s exactly the Christmas I want!