The Christmas I’m going to have Versus one I really want

[Toomanysleepycats]

Another thread made me start thinking how much compromise so many people (but especially wives and mothers) make to have the perfect family Christmas for everyone else.

I just wondered about having a thread where people posted what they are actually doing, but also what they wished they were doing, to see how far apart they are. I’d like to know if any mumsnetter will be getting her perfect Christmas.

I’ll go first. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My Dd is diplomatically having a quiet Xmas at home with her partner. I’m going to ignore Xmas this year, not in a bah humbug way, just that I’ve always been in charge of everything before (not through choice), so a Not Christmas will be a lovely lazy treat.

My perfect Xmas would either be with my Dd and her DP, but just for a visit, not to stay all day and night. Otherwise it’s sitting on a beach in the sun.

Dream: Christmas with DH, DS and my Nana. The decorations from my childhood. The feeling of magic everywhere.

Reality: Just DH, DS and myself. My Nana passed away in March, and she was like my mum, so it's going to be hard not seeing her this year. I'd love to hear her having one more (jokey) argument with DH about something silly, or her telling me the same stories she told every year as if you'd never heard them, nodding off on the sofa after we've all played a board game together.

And our new 6 month old kitten has just chewed through through a wire on one of our sets of Christmas lights, so that's slowly killing off any Christmas spirit I may have stoked up. Having lights up are one of the few things that make me feel better.

I'm aware other people have it MUCH worse than me, I'm just having a bit of a pity party today (mostly because of the sodding lights).

I disagree with your first comment that it's mostly wives and mothers who are compromising on Christmas plans. In my experience it's the wives and mothers who are in charge of making the plans and others are going along with them. Anyway...

Feel quite sad writing this as I'll never get my dream Christmas.
What I wish I was doing: Hosting Christmas in my home, with partner, children, all extended family. I'd do all of the food and have lovely table decorations, there'd be loads of presents under the tree, lots of games, lots of laughing and fun, everyone would have such a great time, I'd complain a little bit about working so hard in the build up but really I'd love doing it all and love having my home filled with love.

Unfortunately I'm single and no longer have any children. So what I'm actually doing:
Visiting my elderly parents who are now in need of a bit of care, while my siblings have their perfect "just us" Christmas in their own home with their partners and children.

I will be at home with my partner in the morning and I'll take the dogs for a walk.
Later family will arrive and eat and drink me out of house and home and then they will all either bugger off or stay the night and I will load up the dishwasher and watch TV and eat chocolates and have a drink or three.

It hasn't always been easy like this though. Politics have got in the way more than once and spoiled what should have been nice

My mum passed away 6months ago so will be the first Christmas without her. 23rd my DB & Dsis are staying at mine and we are having Xmas eve #1, wake up on 24th to Santa having been.DB & DSis will go to Dsis house on 24th. 25th we will go to Mil. We are waiting to hear if my DH's Ex Wife is having Xmas lunch at DMIL's or if we will. She picks my 2 teen DSS's at 2pm from DMIL's house (we usually swap who is at my husbands childhood home then). Then home in the afternoon with 2yo & 4yo just me and Dh. I hope the kids will be ready for bed early and I can sit with DH and have a glass of something and chat maybe play backgammon like in the beginning of our relationship. 26th up to my Dsis for a couple of days and see my extended family.

What I would like would be to have a large house by a warm beach (we live by the coast and will swim but gosh it is cold this year!) and for everyone who wants to see us to come to us whenever they want. But I would have all the kids for the whole time. The joy of co parenting!

💐💐💐 to everyone who has lost loved ones & who are struggling this year.

Dream - well this is mine, dsis & dmum dream. We go away to a hotel for a few days where we are waited on. Or at least lunch in a restaurant & then back to dsis. The dcs & dhs have all said no.

Reality my dad died earlier this year so will be difficult. Dsis is hosting Christmas Day for 16 & I do Boxing Day as it’s dcs birthday, for mine & dhs families. I have around 30 people & will be making curries & stews. 27th out for sil big birthday bash. Then with dh family for new year or going away.

Currently have pneumonia so will see how much we accomplish!

We always spend the day how we like now after some shit Xmas Days with certain family members, all the guilt trips and pressure.

We usually go away just before Xmas til New Year but this year we’re not going away til 27th. All our friends and their kids come, it’s lovely. It’s pretty perfect I’d say. Getting to spend stress free time with our friends, nice long walks with our dogs, meals, a lot of drinking! I look forward to it all year.

I'm going to do exactly what I want.

I ignore the event completely. I send presents to my dad and my brother and then decide on the day what I want to do.

I don't usually cook anything like a turkey dinner but last year I had meals on wheels so I did have a sort of Xmas dinner.

Usually my dad goes to my brother's for Xmas but he has not gone for a couple of years because of Covid, my brother and his wife both work for the NHS.

My dad has a fabulous neighbour though (well more than one but this one in particular) who serves an extra plate of her family Xmas dinner and sends one of the children to my dad's.

DM was diagnosed with Cancer on Christmas Eve last year. This year has been all about scans, chemo and blood tests. This year will be perfect as age is fitter and seller than she has been for years.

You sound so lovely x

Reality: Quiet Christmas just the three of us and DH going to bed to sleep off the beer at about 5pm.

Dream: Catering for 10/12/14 people at MILs, lots of noise, people dropping round, laughter, me stressing but loving it. Then sitting by the fire with a Baileys at about 10pm declaring ‘never again’
God I miss that so much.

My ideal Christmas would be a few days at center parcs. Activities on Christmas Eve for DS whilst I have a massage then back to the lodge for food and a film infront of the fire. Christmas morning breakfast and presents then a nice walk. Out for dinner then straight onto swimming, spend the afternoon in the warmth. Back to the lodge to play with presents and crack open the baileys, Christmassy film and falling asleep infront of the fire

in reality I’m working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, I’m a nurse and it’ll be crazy busy. Christmas Day we will open presents ag home, go to my mums for breakfast, back home, out to my aunties for dinner then to DSIL/BIL for Xmas night. Boxing Day I’m at work at 7am and DS is going to his dads for a week.

i’m not excited in the slightest

Reality, me, dh and the 4 adult children.1 of which flies in for a for a couple of days before flying back to their very stressful job.It will be glorious though.😁

We then have Christmas day part 2 with wider family and partners of the kids on boxing day.

Dream Mine and dh parents (all dead now) to see how wonderful their grandkids are and have the fun and chaos of too many people squashed around the table.

Dream: spending Christmas Day at home with DH & the kids doing everything at our own pace, probably not cooking a roast. See my family for a drink for an hour or so. No in-laws. No staying guests.

Reality: DH's entire family staying with us for a week. His only sibling lives in oz so we end up with his parents here every single year. They are difficult people and ungrateful guests. The years the sibling comes for Christmas with his family we host as our house is bigger than DH's parents' place and we can just about squeeze everyone in. It's nice to see them, but I have to work so hard in the kitchen. I can never get away from the feeling that I'm just there to facilitate my PILs' perfect Christmas with both their children and all their grandchildren.

I would really just absolutely love one Christmas without having to have them stay in my house. I feel like I don't breathe until they've left, usually about the 28th, so when I feel I can finally relax and enjoy Christmas it's already over for everyone else.

Going to pil, but we are only can go on Christmas Eve itself???

That's also when we're allowed to put up and Christmas decorations

What I'd rather have is:

• if going up to pil, go up a few days before so I don't have a mad rush of doing stockings/ unpacking/ with my two young ones

Or

• be at home

Either way, would like decorations up from 1st Dec

I'm lucky and grateful I have fam to celebrate Christmas with

What a lovely day you will have, Christmas in youryour own home in pyjamas is the way to go.

for Everyone who wants to spend it alone with just their DP and kids, isn’t that a normal day?
having lost my parents and with in-laws living abroad, we make a real effort to get some family together once a year - the ‘issues’ that come with it are all just part of life and socialising :)

considering how much everyone missed out on over the last few years, we do try to use Xmas and other big occasions to get the wider family together. Luckily we all generally get on, but not to difficult to make the effort for one day.
There’s been too many deaths to not make that effort I think.

sending love to everyone who has lost loved ones ❤️

Not really. Our lives are extremely busy, it's incredibly rare for us to have a day with the four of us all at home together. I cherish my little family, others intrude on it!

I'm getting what I want for Christmas. Christmas day here, my dad, DH and DC, plus our friends who don't have nice families and DC's godparent. It will be chilled, it will be fun and lunch will be immense. My only slight pang is that there isn't a lot of church traditions here, I kind of miss those. But the people I shared them with are dead and I don't do those things for just the thing itself. I'll hit midnight mass with my dad.

DS is 17 and we are in exactly the same position.

It really hurts doesn't it?

I would like to be able to see our family without dragging the kids through thousands of miles of air travel. I would also like FIL not to have just been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 😢. I miss my mum who died years ago but she always hated Christmas anyway.

Christmas at home is lovely (been doing it the last 3 years!) but I do miss seeing the family (both mine and DH's).

This year we are traveling. Our fault for emigrating (though even so we had an England/ Scotland problem).

💐 to everyone who’ll be having a difficult or emotional time this year.

We normally have a flipping lovely Christmas, just me and DH, and this year I think will be even better as we’re hosting my DB, SiL and their beautiful 11 month old who we’re all besotted with. Very laid back, very relaxed and lots of toys.

I would love to be in a really posh old fashioned hotel somewhere stunning and remote in Scotland. We'd wake up in a massive super comfy bed and open presents (mine being mainly from Brora and Neals Yard). We'd have Christmas lunch there cooked by a very talented chef, then walk on the snowy estate. After that we'd play board games in the hotel lounge while being waited on hand and foot with champagne and smoked salmon canapes and hand made chocolates. There'd be lovely dogs my daughter could cuddle in front of the huge open fire. Oh and I'd have a suitcase full of understated but very beautiful clothes to wear too.

My perfect Christmas would magic my father alive and my mother-in-law happily going on a cruise with a new husband.
Sadly, he died over 10 years ago and my mother in law is around for a good while (and we would never leave her alone) so it’s pretty perfect as it is. We see all my family at some time.

The reality is it's the in laws turn this year and I am hosting. They are nice enough but very quiet so I have to make most of the conversation. I find them all quite boring, and Christmas with them is so quiet.

My dream christmas was last year to be fair. Woke up at home, just my nuclear family doing presents. Then we went to my dads for the day alongside my siblings and niblings. Was loud, choatic and had 6 kids 4 and under. Magic!

Goodness how depressing- I’m so far away from my dream Christmas I literally can’t imagine what it would be !
thank you for this thread and making me see that maybe I need to reset…