The Christmas I’m going to have Versus one I really want

[Toomanysleepycats]

Another thread made me start thinking how much compromise so many people (but especially wives and mothers) make to have the perfect family Christmas for everyone else.

I just wondered about having a thread where people posted what they are actually doing, but also what they wished they were doing, to see how far apart they are. I’d like to know if any mumsnetter will be getting her perfect Christmas.

I’ll go first. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My Dd is diplomatically having a quiet Xmas at home with her partner. I’m going to ignore Xmas this year, not in a bah humbug way, just that I’ve always been in charge of everything before (not through choice), so a Not Christmas will be a lovely lazy treat.

My perfect Xmas would either be with my Dd and her DP, but just for a visit, not to stay all day and night. Otherwise it’s sitting on a beach in the sun.

@Blocker 💐

I'm really struggling with the fact some of my DC will not be here for xmas day. it's grown up kids/empty nest stuff and I know I really have to get to grips with this is how this it is. I've been so lucky having them all home for years and years. It's been a sh* t of a year and I think that's part of why I feel so knocked sideways. I realise as I do decorations and such that I have really done these things in the past because it makes the family smile and happy. feels odd to do it now. Sorry - pity party for one!!

So my dream christmas is the ones we have had, all the kids and their partners here.

@Blocker I’m so so sorry for your loss.

I had a litany of shit Christmases growing up alone with a usually drunk Mum who pretended it just wasn’t happening.

my dream was to have my own Christmas at home with my nuclear unit, with everyone feeling safe, loved and happy - and that’s what we have. DH paid me the greatest compliment the other day that I make our Christmases magical and it’s made my week.

8yo, 4yo and 2yo will open stockings on our massive bed, then we’ll do the big Santa presents downstairs and go for a walk with the dog on the beach. Back home, littlest down for a nap and I’ll do the dinner (love cooking for people). Have dinner, then hot chocs and marshmallows with their choice of film. All of them up to bed and a snuggle on the sofa with a large glass of mulled wine and DH. I feel incredibly fortunate and never ever take it for granted.

Grandparents are off to Europe for Xmas - lovely for them, but no interest in joining, Christmas for us is in our home. I don’t miss the wider family dynamic as I never had it, but do love our nuclear unit.

Dream: Lots of presents, son really excited about Christmas and what the presents could be, trying to sneak a peek, and really eager to tear the paper off them on Christmas morning.

Reality: Carefully spacing out his presents over three days so that he doesn't become overwhelmed and have an autistic meltdown; us trying to stay excited and maintain the festive magic for ourselves whilst our son really doesn't understand the fuss.

I'm 51 and I've almost always had my perfect Christmas! The only exceptions as far as I can remember were: the two years dh, the dc and I spent Christmas just the four of us instead of staying with or hosting extended family (once by choice just to try it and once due to Covid). It was just a bit flat. The other exception was when ds broke his leg on Christmas Eve...

My perfect Christmas is just spending the 24th to the 27th with my family then dh's family or vice versa, plus usually NYE with dsis and her family. We just always have a lovely time. I have never cooked Christmas dinner, which helps . Dh loves cooking, so when we host he does it!

So sorry for your losses, those who will be without loved ones at Christmas

Reality- husband working away, 2 adult kids will come home for good ten days or so disappearing by NYE.

We will go to see FIL Xmas morning and see SIL too. Then to my parents to have a late dinner, shared cooking, I do pud and bread sauce etc. 8 of us for dinner and plating one for a friend who is working til 7 so will drop that in on way home hopefully by 8ish. We also try to have some kind of game, quiz last year which my teenage niece sorted. Add at least one dog into the mix, my mum needing house to be super warm and the rest of us stripping off Xmas layers.

Fantasy - 2 weeks in Caribbean but would miss my pooch and couldn’t do it to my parents at their age.

Dream... everything arranged, together with dd21, dd20, dh, somewhere nice and Christmassy where I don't need to cook.

Reality... same as every year... MIL (86, worsening dementia- vascular and alzheimers, so the mental and physical double whammy, - diabetes, copd, diverticulitis, deaf as a post and blind as a bat, restricted ability to move... you name it, she's got it) will come to stay for a couple of days, meaning the DDs have to squeeze into one room. Arguments and general discontent will ensue. Headaches will be rife as all TV has to be full volume etc...

I'm fed up but not mean enough to leave her alone looking at 4 walls, and at least her carers will get a couple of days with fewer calls.

Reality: parents and sister and kids coming to stay for three days. They will annoy me by lunchtime on Christmas Day. I will feel worried about their judging my children who are over tired and excited already. And i will feel hurt at their stinginess which is on another level this year.
Dream: at home, just us. It snows and we are stuck in for a few days. I'd love that ..

Reality will be us five at home, it will be lovely, probably a bit manic as we have a 1yo, 4yo and 14yo. DH and I will be mainlining coffee all day and we'll both do different bits of Christmas lunch. Likely roast chicken. All presents will be opened by about 9am probably and we might both get a nap each. We'll do a video call with all family members.

DH was talking about booking a cabin in the Black Forest for a one off magical white Christmas. He'd drive home Christmas Eve night to be Santa and deliver all the presents so they magically appear. We ended up discounting it due to needing snow tyres (this is a hilarious reason not to) but I think he really liked the idea.

My perfect Christmas would be renting a huge house and inviting every extended family member. Great-grandad would be asleep in a chair. Toddler cousins would run around causing mayhem together. Huge traditional turkey feast. Everyone gets drunk and my hippy aunt starts singing carols near the fireplace and some of us join in. I'd actually love to get DH's family and my extended stepfamily together but I doubt it will ever happen. We should have had a bigger wedding.

It seems like my reality is a lot of other people's dream

I’m looking forward to a lovely Christmas in a hotel and part of the country that I love. I shall be with a dear friend. She and I are both on our own now and we shall eat, drink, relax, talk and laugh together. So pretty much the perfect Christmas which we thoroughly enjoy. However, I still fantasise sometimes that I am spending Christmas with loved ones that are no longer with me and I’m sure my friend does the same.

I would love my parents to come to stay with us and be here to spend the day with us and DDs. My perfect Christmas would be in our own home, but hosting my family.

In reality my parents live a long way (200 miles) from us and can no longer manage the journey so we'll be driving down to see them over the Christmas period. As much as I love seeing them it's not a comfortable stay.....they are hoarders and it's DH, DDs and I sleeping on blow up beds in the conservatory. No hotels anywhere near them sadly as they're very rural. I've put my foot down and said we'll have Christmas Day at our house so DDs can play with their toys and we have home comforts for the day. We'll travel to them on boxing day instead.

But I wish they could be at my house for Christmas.

Dream: Christmas Day as a family with stepchildren and their kids (numerous) - happy, chaotic, all hands to the pump getting food on the table, squashed round the dining table, noise, crackers, Articulate, Strictly Christmas Special…

Reality: endless succession of family members from trickling in over a ten-day period and expecting a set-piece meal. Cook, clear up, cook while clearing up, clear up while cooking, repeat to fade.

My Christmas will be all about making it nice for my elderly parents. The Christmas I’d really like would be in a period chalet in Zermatt overlooking the Matterhorn with a personal chef, a swimming pool and a sauna.

There must be an Airbnb near them somewhere…

Welcome to my life.

@Blocker and everyone grieving, I’m so sorry you have Togo through such pain. Life can be so cruel.

My ideal would be hosting in-laws and friends at our house: big chaotic fun.
Reality will be similar -we’re going to PIL house instead, will visit DF in care home on Christmas Eve morning (he won’t be that aware of it), then drive 250 miles to PIL.

Yes, it does seem to be a bitter sweet time for many. We want our most beloved people to be with us, but old age or more tragically death, reinforces that at this special family time we can’t be a complete family. My heart goes out to you all.

Maybe the wish for the perfect Christmas starts when we are young and lucky enough to have had fun xmas’s when we were children, without realising how much hard work our parents (mums) had to put into it. And now we are grown up and in spite of everything we are trying to replicate the joy and wonder for our own kids. And so the expectation of what Christmas is carries on down the generations.

Its nice to see that a surprising number of people are having either their perfect Christmas and their nearly perfect Christmas.

For all of you not able to be with your loved ones, may better days come to you and strength and love see you through this one.

For those not having their ideal Christmas, let’s make our New Years Resolution this year to have the one we want next year!

I'll probably get slaughtered for this, but is there any chance that he has ASD?

Would love some of this..

But it will probably go like this...

Seriously my expectations for Christmas are always low and it some how turns out quite pleasantly!
Dinner, a walk , movies, presents, some and basic decorations are enough to make us happy
I grewup in a large family where christmas was always a big deal with all the trimmings but now I'm no contact with most of them ,
I've let go of that desire to have traditional Christmas
as its just me and dd, so Its zero stress , i don't have to worry about accommodating anyone else but us ..
In the future I would love to go abroad somewhere

Reality - We will get up and open presents with some bucks fizz and eggs benny. Then meet up with our friends at the beach for a swim and some champagne and nibbles before it gets too hot. The afternoon will be spent with cocktails by the pool, BBQ and seafood, just the three of us. Late afternoon we Skype family in the UK and Ireland, and in the evening its crap Xmas tele and stuffing our faces some more. Last year I made a roast dinner but it was over 40 degrees so far too hot for it, so this year I think I will just do a small crown for the purpose of boxing day sambos. It's pretty much my prefect Xmas day, very low key and relaxing. The only change I would make is having my mum here instead of on the other end of a Skype call, but she doesn't want to visit Oz at Xmas as she thinks it will be too hot. And my husband would love to see his brother again, but he passed away in August.

Sending love to all of you who have lost people this year. This is the first year without my Dad, he died on 30th October. I hadn't actually spent Christmas with my Dad since 2005, he was with a partner for 15 years who made things very difficult (used to see him around his birthday which was 28th December). She went into a care home and the past two Christmases have been out cause of the pandemic.

Also I wish I could transport myself back to the early 80s when we used to see my Uncle and Auntie some time over the Christmas period, there used to invariably be a heated game of monopoly going on. My Uncle (he was my Dad's Brother) died last weekend. They didn't get on, but boy am I nostalgic for simpler times. I'm hoping that they have patched things up if there is any sort of after life.

Reality, we will be having a quiet one at home with my DH and two teenage boys. DS1 seems to want to do more for Christmas this year. Planning on meeting up with a few friends at different times. We did put some decorations up last night.

Mines fairly perfect this year, but that means I’m already worrying about next year, and it being ‘not fair’ to do it how I want again..
just going to try enjoy this one and hope it resolves itself by then!

Reality- my mum staying Christmas Eve to 27th.
Seeing ILs plus extended family in between. One day at theirs, one day we're hosting everyone. 20+ people.

Dream- Just me, DH and DC until Boxing day when we visit family and don't have to host.
I get a Christmas present from DH and DC.