How to do presents - adult children and their 'other halves'

[Chuckiegg]

Hi

I was wondering what you do about present budgets once your adult children acquire boyfriends/girlfriends.

So in my case:
Working DS age 26 with serious girlfriend but not living together yet.

DD age 24 newly married.

DD age 20 - uni student with serious boyfriend but not living together.

I'm thinking that married dd and son in law should get the same amount as each other.

Older DS and girlfriend - similar amounts to each other.

Younger dd - spend more on her as still a student with a nice gift to boyfriend but not the same amount.

Does that sound reasonable?

You can do whatever works for you but if it helps, in our family we often buy joint presents or spend same on each person.

No, not fair. Everyone gets the same.

I think it's fine to give your children larger gifts than their partners if you wish, but I wouldn't give any of the partners a noticeably smaller gift than the other partners- looks like you are ranking them.

Get them all socks. Job done!

At 24 and 26 I hope I am only giving my ds token gifts. 20 year old depends on what you did with the 24 and 26 year olds at that age.

All the other halves get.............socks.

Everyone gets the same here - no hierarchy.

Are they all coming to you/ visiting over Christmas?

Something I find it utterly bizaare but seen on mumsnet before is when people think 'ok my kids each get £100 but DC1 has a girlfriend so will get £80 and the girlfriend £20 and one has DC2 kids so will get £50 and each grand kid gets £25 but DC3 will get the full £100.'

Each new person is a NEW family member to buy for in their own right, it shouldnt be 'deducted' from someone else.

I wouldn't buy a partner/IL the same amounts worth of gifts as biological kids (probably treat them more like a niece/nephew/cousin/aunt/uncle etc...) but they would be budgeted in their own right not as a drain on what my kid gets, my kids would get the same as each other regardless.

But then I would be happy and encouraging my kids to grow fly the nest and find themselves families, its not something to be 'punished' for.

I mean imagine you buy for your 3 best friends and you have a budget of £10 pp each year and you make a new friend who is welcomed into the group do you then say 'oh we added Barbara this year so now the budget is now £7.50 each' lol.

For examply OH parents usually buy him a gadget and give cash or pay his car insurance, I get a jumper. My mam usually buys me loads of random stuff and DH gets a bottle of gin. Been like that ever since we got together, I wouldnt expect expensive stuff from my PIL but it would be a little odd to be completely ignored me.

My child would always get more than an in law

I've got five siblings, each with their own young children and partners plus my parents. We just do a secret santa situation between the adults and then the kids all get something each.
It's saves a fortune and you end up getting a nice present you want rather than bits from a boots 3 for 2 offer.

Even stevens here OH gets the boys DIY tools as main present. I have a lot of fun buying for DILs because I didn't have daughters

My parents have always given my DH and I the same since we moved into together. What they do for me they do for my sibling so I think they got the same before they moved into together because my boyfriend (as he was then) and I did. I’ve always appreciated that approach. My DH is treated as family because he’s important to me. My parents always assumed boyfriends were for life until told otherwise.

If the present budget is £300, then adding in partners reduces the amount available.

@mam0918 This! My dh's grandmother stopped giving him anything because we have 2 kids, yet her other 5 grandsons and their partners still get! None of them have kids so it's apparently fine, yet last year she bought a gift for one grandsons pet rabbit!

I would give the partners a token gift and your children whatever you would normally give them

I honestly don’t understand the whole “equal £ amount” concept on gift giving, until MN the only person I heard go on about this was my narcissistic mother who would rant about how all her children were treated equal because she’d spend the same amount of money on us, it was a lie, the money and being treated equally, but even if it was true money isn’t the important thing as far as I’m concerned.

For me it’s about the gift and thought. When I shop I buy for the individual person, I don’t think about the money I think about what the person would like. I might have a amount I won’t go over but I wouldn’t go looking to spend £30 on someone just because I spent £30 on their partner if I found the perfect present for £10.

Every year I get sets of toiletries, some are quite expensive but I bloody hate them, I don’t care about the cost, I care that after all these years of me talking about the fact I never use creams or products they still don’t listen or think about what I’d actually like. I’ve even told them at times what I’d like (after being asked), but because what I want will cost less that £10 they can’t comprehend that as a gift and send £££ on things I just give away. Where as last year my SIL got me the best present ever, she found it in a charity shop, she saw it and thought about me and knew I’d love it, because we’d had a conversation about me always wanting one as a child, her remembering and thinking about me was far better than anything else.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS Wish I could hit a like button for your post 👏

Give all the couples pizza and cinema vouchers to the same value!
They can then choose when where and with who, no one will feel left out, and they’ll definitely get used!!

You could always add tiny individual gifts if you know the partners well enough, but that can be quite hard to get right!

Do you really get people just socks for Christmas?

My dad still gets a big gift for me and a little present for my husband (we are 30). His parents usually do us a joint present and then a few little things each. For my married siblings I tend to do a joint present something foodie etc.

Can you do money for your children (they can spend as they wish, or you can transfer to joint accounts if they have one), then do a secret Santa for everyone. We do this, it’s so much easier, less crap to store, and you can buy people a nice gift and everyone feels included. Also saves partners having to buy multiple gifts for family members.

I have 3 grown kids with kids of their own, dh has 5 grown kids, 4 have kids. They get the same amount of money per family, how they split it is up to them. The daughter with no kids gets the same amount as the daughter with 5 kids.

No, we don't do presents/buy tat over 21 in our family. We do activities and spend time together instead.

My late mum bought us all socks every year 😂

Thanks for all the input!

Children all get generous presents. The spouses get more than the boyfriend - which is probably wrong as the boyfriend is as long-standing as one of the spouses. It does look like they are looking towards a lifelong commitment, so we will probably increase what he gets this year. No joint presents except as ‘add ons’.