How to do presents - adult children and their 'other halves'

[Chuckiegg]

Hi

I was wondering what you do about present budgets once your adult children acquire boyfriends/girlfriends.

So in my case:
Working DS age 26 with serious girlfriend but not living together yet.

DD age 24 newly married.

DD age 20 - uni student with serious boyfriend but not living together.

I'm thinking that married dd and son in law should get the same amount as each other.

Older DS and girlfriend - similar amounts to each other.

Younger dd - spend more on her as still a student with a nice gift to boyfriend but not the same amount.

Does that sound reasonable?

There seems to be so many unwritten rules to everything... I'm glad I don't have to think about this yet as my little one is only 14 months old. It has to be budget dependent though, right? I'm getting about £100 worth of presents from my parents, my boyfriend will probably get about £20 and our little one about £150 🤷‍♀️ My boyfriend will probably get £300+ worth from his family and I think I got about £100 worth last year so probably the same and then baby got loads last year too. It's what people can afford, want to do and how big on Christmas they are as well I think.

The older generation do big gift for the relative and smaller but nice for the other halves. And the grand children/great neices.

My brother and SIL only buy for the kids and older generation.

My sister and BIL the same.

My other brother and his bf, and DH and I buy equally for everyone.

My MIL treats me and him the same - big gifts each.

So, all families do it differently, even within the family.

We don’t do adult presents in our family. That makes it easier! We are all a bit Scrooge like though! Christmas is for the kids, eating and playing games not filling the house with more tat for landfill.

I think Christmas is for everyone. Especially the very elderly. We don’t buy tat. We eat and do nice things too.

Have read the whole thread, but I love making up stockings, so adult DSs & their GFs get a stocking each, full of, well, stocking fillers.

When I was still living at home and DH (then boyfriend) was at uni I got normal presents from our parents and DH a token. Same the other way round.

When we moved together my PIL normally gave us a joint present, often something practical or an item "nice to have".
My parents got us individual gifts but roughly the same value I would say. Think of books, CDs (yes, we are that old), perfume etc.

Have NOT read the whole thread, that should have read.

I’d do big presents for my children. Then nice but not as expensive presents for their other halves.

I spend more on my sister than on SILs. Actually it’s joint money with DH, but I do all of the shopping. My sister has only got me whereas there are more siblings on DH’s side.

I also spend more on my niece (sister’s daughter) than niece and nephew (BIL/SIL’s daughter). I spend the same as BIL/SIL spend on our DC, so it’s fair in that respect.

We spend similar amounts on my adult DDs and similar but smaller amounts on their DHs. We have done since their relationships got serious.

My parents always gave more presents to me and my sisters than to our partners. And to be honest I would probably do the same in the future. I think my mother roughly spent the same amount on each single daughter or couple ( so some of my "share" went to my boyfriend/husband, while my little sister still got the full quota). I still spend less on my BILs than on my sisters now. Or do a joint present. Plus it's much easier to buy for women than men!

Something I find it utterly bizaare but seen on mumsnet before is when people think 'ok my kids each get £100 but DC1 has a girlfriend so will get £80 and the girlfriend £20 and one has DC2 kids so will get £50 and each grand kid gets £25 but DC3 will get the full £100.'
Each new person is a NEW family member to buy for in their own right, it shouldnt be 'deducted' from someone else

Fine if you've got an unlimited budget and unlimited time to open presents....but if you've always been fairly generous with your kids it could all get pretty silly as the family grows.

It wasn't calculated exactly like you describe, but it's roughly what my mother used to do, certainly for partners, maybe a bit less so once we had kids too. But it was certainly the case that what I got went down as my family grew while my little sister still got a good pile. Fine by me!

I like a previous pps suggestion of gifting each couple some sort of experience vouchers. We have one adult dd and son in law and some years buy them a joint gift or buy them similar amount in value individual gifts. We've always treat him equally, he doesn't receive any other gifts from his side, and he and dd don't exchange gifts with each other after having dgd.

mam0918
Agree with you. It's bizarre.

Whatever the present budget, decide how much is available for children and how much is available for partners. Keep the children close to the same value, keep the partners on par with each other, and if there's too many people then reduce the amount in everyone's 'pot'.

Taking from one child because they have a partner/children, whilst getting lavish gifts for the child who doesn't have a partner/children is weird and mean spirited in my opinion.

My children always get more, other half's get nice presents, but my children will always get more, no grandchildren x

I'm quoting you, but other people have mentioned it.

What is with this obsession with all gifts being "tat"?

That's certainly not the case in my family, we buy things people will love. And will use. No tat here.

Doesn't mean it has to cost £££. I bought my BIL a cocktail mixing book, because they love to host that kind of party, and my SIL got a book off her wishlist and some lovely vegan Baklava.

How is that tat?

I agree. Give all partners the same size thing. Main present to your actual child. Or consider a join present if you prefer.

I get a main present from my parents. The value varies year to year (I'm lucking out this year, last year was a jumper and a book).
DH gets something he will enjoy, but of a much lower value. My kids get somewhere in the middle.

In the time I've been married, I've probably recieved more birthday presents from the PiL than DH. Mainly because he has recieved nothing, and I got a box of chocolates when their annual visit coincided with my birthday.

I have no idea what to spend on my adult kids now. What do most people do? They have a habit of asking for really expensive stuff and saying they don’t need smaller presents. If I give them money they feel put out because they have nothing to open. I should say all are struggling financially and working hard.

It all depends. My mum is far too generous so we try to push the focus on DD and don't ask for anything huge, maybe a book or similar.
My PIL - very comfortable financially and as they love the theatre they are always happy to pay for tickets for us.
I would be mortified to ask for expensive items unless I am in a really difficult situation and would need it and know it can be afforded.

@JustFrustrated I agree. Adult gifts can be great, if people talk to each other and don't just guess. I don't want scarves, candles or body wash and don't want to give this either. So it may be boring but getting a book I really want is a great gift, it doesn't have to be a surprise.

I get my married stepsons gifts they can both enjoy: days of Christmas flavoured vodka selection or theatre vouchers for example.

Surely it depends on what you can afford?! Not everyone can just add another £100 or so into their Xmas budget

My ex-MIL would give me the same amount of cash that she gave my ex-DH which I thought was incredibly generous and not necessary. My mum couldn't afford to do that so she didn't and my exDH couldn't have cared less.

When my adult DC have partners I spend about £20 on them but none have progressed to the really serious stage yet so haven't had to address that! I liked the fact that my mum gave me more because it made me feel really special when the rest of the time I was putting my kids first. Not explaining well but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Children all get equal gifts, partners get equal to each other gifts but less value than the children.

My parents in law do it this way. I'd never expect them to spend the same on me as the do their own child. Me and the other partners get gifts to the value of about £40. I'd guess the children's presents are about £150

I would allocate each DC the same amount but split according to their situation. Split married couple 50/50, not living together maybe 70/30. It depends if you are trying to lower the amount you spend overall moving from 'child' to 'adult' - if that's the case it's not fair on the 20 year old to have 6 years less as a 'child'.

I think your plan is fine.

I'd feel embarrassed if my parents gave me a big gift and DH a token one. I'd rather they gave us a joint present.
For me it feels right my parents spend less once I moved out started earning and had children, however this was still in my teens for me. I'm not sure how to do things with my own children, two of whom are adults now although still in full time education.