How to do presents - adult children and their 'other halves'

[Chuckiegg]

Hi

I was wondering what you do about present budgets once your adult children acquire boyfriends/girlfriends.

So in my case:
Working DS age 26 with serious girlfriend but not living together yet.

DD age 24 newly married.

DD age 20 - uni student with serious boyfriend but not living together.

I'm thinking that married dd and son in law should get the same amount as each other.

Older DS and girlfriend - similar amounts to each other.

Younger dd - spend more on her as still a student with a nice gift to boyfriend but not the same amount.

Does that sound reasonable?

I don’t think there is any right or wrong (though I’m a long way off thinking about it for my own lo!).

My dad and stepmum give a joint amount of cash plus to each couple plus similar stocking fillers. My mum spends a bit more on me and dsis, but both our partners have always gotten the same regardless of whether we were married yet.

I dont get people saying but you can't add more to the budget or where people are getting 'I dont have an extra few hundred pound'... do people not know how a budget works and who mentioned adding hundreds?

If you save £300 you cant say 20 years ago I only bought for my 3 kids, so when they where 2, 5 and 6 they would get £100 each from £300 so they still must.

Instead you say ok I have £300 this years and 6 people to buy for 3 DC, 1 IL and 2 GC. You don't then break it into budget 1 per DC then budget 2 spliting that budget again to take it from the single mother of the kids 'pot' leaving her with less than her 'equals' etc...

Its not about upping the budget its about breaking the budget down into equal and fair catagories where each DC gets the same amount, each IL gets the same amount and each DGC gets the same amount rather than 'punishing' one child for marrying/settling and having children and giving more to the others that didn't.

My parents get me and DH roughly the same. My parents then give me money as well (which I usually end up spending on the kids anyway!).

All of our children are adults/young adults. Some have partners, some are longer term than others. We spend more on our own children than we do on their partners. We spend more on the longer term partners than we do on the more casual boyfriends/girlfriends.

Its not about upping the budget its about breaking the budget down into equal and fair catagories where each DC gets the same amount, each IL gets the same amount and each DGC gets the same amount rather than 'punishing' one child for marrying/settling and having children and giving more to the others that didn't
Exactly
Surely adult children understand that as the family grows they're not going to have the same value present from their parents as they did when they were teenagers because they're all adults now and there's partners and children to factor in?

Do whatever works for your family, you are the one who knows what's best. We are doing family Secret Santa between the adults and mostly go with token gifts and smartshow 3d video cards sent via email, but you do you. Tbh I think your plan is quite good, since you've made it with particular people and relationships in mind, which is something we can't do since we don't know you.

I'd try and do joint gifts for all of them, otherwise I think it's pretty normal to spend more on your children and a token gift for all partners. Spending more on the married partner isn't fair. Or what about a secret santa between all of you?

This sounds sensible.

My in laws give money to their two sons, to me and their other daughter in law - same amount each. Thinking about it I used to get just a wrapped gift (always fairly generous) and I’m not sure when I started getting the cash but could well have been either when we got engaged or got married. They also tend to get a few little extra ‘bits’ for each which I assume are roughly equivalent but haven’t really weighed it up.

Our DC and BIL’s DC are the same age and also get the same amount of money plus one or two things to open - usually a book or two and some clothes.

Im always a bit touched that I get given the same amount as their son(s). I wouldn’t think anything of it if I didn’t, but it’s very kind of them.

My parents are dead. Before we had our DD but I was still buying for everyone else’s kids then my siblings would tend to buy me something around £10-20ish, and DH some beers/ chocolate. Now they just buy for DD which simplifies things.

This is what my parents did. This year I’ll probably do the same. My teenage boys will get what they ask for (within reason). My 2 married dc will have the same amount to split between them. I will buy some presents for the GC to stay at Nanny’s so they have new toys to play with when they are here.

Im stuck with DD (21). She is working but still lives at home. She has a serious BF who lives with his parents. They are desperately saving for a deposit to buy a house. I was thinking to give them some cash between them, to put towards their deposit. However BF’s parents buy their DS a present and my DD gets a token gift - usually chocs or wine. So that’s what I’ll do with them. DD will get a decent gift and BF will get a token gift.

I love stockings too! In our house, “Santa” (who liaises often with Mum and Dad by magic !) does the kids stockings and the adults do pretend Santa stockings for each other (and Grandma since my Dad died).

My sister in law and I had this conversation recently. Obviously goes against popular opinion here but it seemed to us that if you rebalance out the budget you are discriminating again the one who isn’t in a relationship - especially if the eldest ones had many years with a lot spent on just them.
My eldest niece married in January this year and has just had her first baby.
Youngest niece is 14
Sister usually spends £250 each on the 2 kids so will spend £250 on the eldest daughters family of 3 combined and 250 on youngest
when youngest has a family same will apply to her
Seems fairest way to us

I complete agree with what you are saying. My in laws don't do this though. My sister in law is married but no children so she and her husband get collectively what we get as a family of four.

This year mil has been more generous than normal and given a large cash sum but gave my DH for us 4 the same as sil got for the two of them.

So we are giving our children an amount each to buy gifts with from their grandparents, we have bought a family gift and the rest we are putting towards a couple of nights in a hotel next year. So DH and I won't actually get a present to open from mil this year (she usually gets us a bottle of spirits each and a smelly set or similar each).

It's always felt weird to me that since we had children my sil gets more spent on her than before.

Males get booze in a bag..easy!

I've been married for about 20 years (I can't remember exactly!). Father-in-law gives us the same, either cash or gift voucher. Mum gives husband a lot less than me, so gives me £100 (doesn't really do presents) and will give him a bottle of champagne or £20.

I would try to buy according to need, if you have a DC who is a student and one who is working. Partners of DC will probably not get as much as DC themselves.

My DC are younger but I don't count how much each one gets - e.g. DS got a Switch for his birthday which is just after Christmas, DD's birthday is later in the year, but when DD is old enough for a console we won't put aside the same amount to spend on DS birthday that year.

@Arucanafeather - we're a bit short on Grandparents- just my Dad left for about a decade now, so I've never done a stocking for that demographic. Also, he makes sure he's nowhere near our particular type of bedlam on Christmas Day! Thinking about it, though, what I give my Dad is not far removed & would fit in a large stocking. It's lots of food items and drinks from the area i live in, as he is notoriously difficult to buy for & his birthday's the week before Christmas too.

I give each of my 3 DC £200 each. Then they have a stocking each about £60. DD1 married and is spending hers on weekend away with her DH and I am going to their house to babysit for them. SIL will get stocking. 2 DGS get £50 each having annual farm park pass plus small stocking £30 each. DS1 long term gf who I love and she will get gift £50 plus stocking because DH and I are going to DS1 house for Xmas. DS 2 will get stocking also £60. He does not have a partner this year. SIL and gf get £50 birthday gifts.

My MIL does this thing where she has 3 sons. Each son gets £200 allocated as money but if married it is split between son and his wife so £100 each but if dgc it is split further so DH gets £50, I get £50, and 2 DS get £50 each. All get stockings. I think she does it to favour son who is single as she says he does not get many big presents. We think fair enough if that is what she wants to do. We do tend to buy DH brother 2 gifts because he does not get many. I think each family does what is a comfortable fit for them. I don't buy Xmas gifts for my sister's but I am close to them all. 3 years ago I bought my youngest sister a car. I have paid for another sister to come on holiday with me and when we meet up for lunch twice a year I often offer to pay because I can afford it more than them.

All our family keep lists going all year round of things they would like/need. All different prices and absolutely no expectation that anyone will get everything on their list. Only one adult child has a partner and they live together so I spend a reasonable amount on her but not quite as much as DS. No grandchildren as yet. Definitely no tat. Stockings for anyone who is here on Christmas morning.
We don’t buy our siblings presents nor their adult children but do get any small children something. No parents left to buy for.

I spend more on my daughters than their husbands...but husbands get a main gift and a few little things in a gift bag/ stocking - then often a joint gift for each couple under tree

DH's parents spend similar on me as they do on him. My parents spend more on me than him (although i would say his gift from them is similar cost-wise to my gift from his parents, it is just my parents go over-board on gifts for me and DC). DC is fine with it, and my gift often has a joint element anyway. Also, I am easier to buy for!

As i recall, on both sides the first couple of years we got token gifts which then increased as we essentially became viewed as part of the other's family. I think that is fine, i.e. i don't think you need to spend as much on a new partner who you don't really know as you would on a long-term partner that you know well.

@JustFrustrated - I totally agree with you re: the tat obsession. So many on MN seem to think that we are all out the there gifting kid's party bags to our nearest and dearest. I wouldn't describe the Nars foundation that my SIL kindly gives me each year as tat!

I recognise the Christmas tat gifts.

There's no way that large range of generic stocking filler type presents that are going to people who genuinely want them.

I've also had to kindly suggest to some family that I'd much rather have one gift than lots of smaller ones that inevitably end up being more money than the one item that would be really useful.

My MIL buys something wildly expensive for DH and a little gift for me. I don't mind. Before she used to get us a joint present but DH was never very happy with that so he might as well get something fancy from his DM.