How to do presents - adult children and their 'other halves'

[Chuckiegg]

Hi

I was wondering what you do about present budgets once your adult children acquire boyfriends/girlfriends.

So in my case:
Working DS age 26 with serious girlfriend but not living together yet.

DD age 24 newly married.

DD age 20 - uni student with serious boyfriend but not living together.

I'm thinking that married dd and son in law should get the same amount as each other.

Older DS and girlfriend - similar amounts to each other.

Younger dd - spend more on her as still a student with a nice gift to boyfriend but not the same amount.

Does that sound reasonable?

We spend the same on our kids and the in-laws. They have the choice of a joint or individual present.

Like another Pp I’d transfer cash to the children and give them all a token gift, jumper , nice socks (I love socks personally) something foodie, nice pen for the university twosome type thing.

Both my mum and MiL buy far less for the OHs. This always seemed normal to me. Gifts are always thoughtful and everyone is included. I’d be very embarrassed if my MIL spent £££ on me or bought me tonnes of stuff

All get roughly same size gifts….partners are family so are treated equally in this house.

I get my brother and his gift card for nandos to use together, they get money and little box of lush... they have 4 to buy for with me, DP & 2 dc. They’ve been together for almost 6 years though, I’ve done that the last few years.

I probably spend more on my DB than I do his long term girlfriend but not by much - she also gets separate presents from my DS14 which he chooses and I fund

I think when DS is older I would probably spend more on him than his partner but they would get a stocking/small gifts and something larger . Probably if they became a long term partner /spouse I'd end up spending more or doing them each a stocking full of small personal gifts and then a joint present ?

Pretty much what my mum did too. Not everyone can afford to double their spending because S/Dils have come along.

I know my mum used to find it embarrassing that her parents would spend much more on her than her DH.

Op I'd allocate budget per child then 70 /30 for those not living together 50/50 for those who are.

did you not read the other replies, not once did anyone suggest doubling everything.

You split the budget equally via the number of people... you dont split it by children then again because its an unfair split that punishes your child for growing and and expanding the family (which is what they are suppose to do).

One issue of splitting equally if you have say two adult kids and one has a partner, and a budget of say £300 equal spilting means £100 each, but your effectively giving £200 to one household and £100 to the other.

The single kid is unlikely to get many gifts other than what you give. Where the couple are also likely to give to each other.

And if the couple say they need a new Telly your giving them £200 for it.

But if the single kid needs a telly your only giving a £100

Splitting the £300, half to each household, means the get £150 per household, £75 to the couple each and £150 to the single kid.

I've been on both sides of it (single while my sibling was married, married while my sibling is single) and it's still sits very fair with me that the single kid gets more than each half of a couple.

You can also think of it the other way, if you and DP have 3 parents between you. Do you give £100 each so £200 to his parents, £100 to yours or do you do £150 to each household.

My in-laws treat their kids and kids-in-law exactly the same - we get a joint cheque at christmas, and individual ones for the same amount on our birthdays.

My parents spend significantly more on their own children than their kids-in-law.

Both families about the same size, similar financial situations, everyone gets on well. I think I will be more like my in-laws.

Ok my aunt and uncle arent married they are siblings that have spent their whole life co-dependent, I have a friend the same with his sister.

How does that work then?

No one said IL have to have the same as DC, people are really going out of their way to twist this into something way more dramatic than it needs to be.

If you give DC £100 you give ALL DC £100, if you give IL £20 you give all IL £20, if you give DGC £25 you give ALL DGC £25 otherwise your picking favorites.

Say you have a £300 budget and you buy DIL a £10 bottle of gin and a £5 scarf you then split the remaining amount £285 between the 2 DC = which is £140 (and change).

No way is that making the single kid hard done by.

I would argue those grown up and moved out in a marraige with kids have far more finacial responsabilities and outgoing than a younger single carefree childfree sibling thus usually need more help rather than vice versa.

I also got gifts from MORE people back when young and single, I bought for friends they bought for me... we all obviously stopped that after having kids because now we have our kids to buy for which is much more expensive, if anything mams are the famed demographic for being 'forgotton' at xmas (especially single mothers) not young single people.

I buy for the people not the house hold.

I spend more on my parents than DH, I have zero idea if DH buys his parents something (he doesnt buy mine anything) but the amount I spend on MIL and FIL is equal (say £10... same for BIL) and the amount I spend on my DM and my DF is equal (say £30... same for DBs).

Households has nothing to do with anything.

If DH parents are devorced and live seperately and his mam remarried and your parents are happily married are you claiming you give your mam & dad £50 each, you MIL & SFIL £50 each and your FIL £100?

Just bizaare.

I wouldn't make such a discrepancy between a couple as £15 to DIL and £140 to DS. That's really odd.

Don't know how I'd deal with step parents, never had to deal with it.

But I do know it doesn't bother me in the least the my mum spends more on my DSis than she does on me.
She is buying for both me and DH, but Sis is a single mum. In fact I'd find it odd if she didn't spend more on Sis than she does me.

When I was talking about parents I was more thinking about Mum & Dad together and widowed MIL.

my mil spends £40 on us all at Christmas eg my dh and myself and the same with his siblings and partners,

my mum spends approx £50/60 on me and £30 ish on dh.

@mam0918 why do you and DH buy your parents separately, do you not give together as a couple?

My parents spend up to £100 on me and my brother. Our partners get a gift of around £25. That isn't taken out of my £100, it's separate.

I'm married with kids but my brother still lives at home (and his girlfriend lives there too), they spend the same amount on each of us.

Because we have our own money and are our own unique people who have our own feelings about what and who we want to gift to.

You dont cease to be an indervidual person when you marry, your still allowed autonomy, control of your own finances and choice.

but in you theory of housebold breakdowns you DSis should get less right if she has kids therefore that would come out of her household amount regardless of having a DH or not.

I wasn't counting kids in household. I probably wrongly used the word household, I was trying to say each child / child and partner but it seems a wordy way of putting it.

I maybe wouldn't do equal spending between a couple if they didn't live together, but once they are together equal spending.

I'm still amazed you buy separately for parents. Even more odd you buy something for the in-laws from you but your not sure if your DH buys them something or not.
Imagine getting a gift from your DIL but nothing from your DS.

No Christmas presents for anyone who doesn't live with me. I don't go to other people's home for Christmas and equally don't want host it. 1 just turned adult child and one older teenager living with me. They don't get Christmas present either. One of them will get a new headphones because I want to steal his current that have just right bounce/stiffness for me. He would appreciate something better. I use them to keep my ears warm. It will NOT be a Christmas present. He will get it before Christmas. Other child will get a very particular cussion/soft toy she've seen in TKMax. Again, not Christmas present.
Wouldn't occur to compare money I spend on each. They get stuff when and as needed (phones, laptops, lip balms).
Adult child that doesn't live with me doesn't get anything, same as everyone else.
We'll go to see a play or a concert and have a dinner out. That's my present every year for whoever is interested, including my adult stepchildren.
Interestingly my adult stepdaughter always visits (regularly during year as well) and brings presents for everyone even though she knows she won't receive anything and is told it's not needed. We actually like her presents. They are like hot chocolate, Prosecco with lovely fruity sirups to mix, a board game. Stuff we all can use right there together.
We do have a real Christmas tree decorated in our family tradition and a lovely meal. Meals actually.
When kids were kids they got presents. I actually used to think Christmas presents are for children. They are young adults now. They don't believe in Santa.
Everyone still gets a present of not having to feel obligated to get anything for me.