My daughter has found my Christmas list plan

[Primula78]

Hello

After advice please

Yesterday my daughter (6 nearly 7 and bright/doesn't miss a trick) was building a den with blankets around my work desk. Didn't think anything of it until this morning. She asked me a question that made me stop and double take.

On my desk are many notebooks. At the back of one of these notebook (my christmas planning one) i have listed all the presents I have purchased for her bday and Xmas (they are close together) I have listed her stocking items, the items santa is bringing and then the presents we have got and what I have asked wider family to get. I also have lists for wider family presents, food, Xmas cards.

I think she found the notebook when playing ans read it based on the question she asked this morning. I'm very cross and hurt, I haven't asked her outright but I have asked her if she has anything she wants to tell me and she said no.

I have now removed these pages from the notebook. My initial thought is to write a message for her if she returns to the book along the lines of 'I know you have read this - all presents have been returned. Please do not look in my notebooks again'

My husband says this is very mean and it's natural for kids to snoop etc.

Any advice please?

@Beamur yes that is one of the many feelings I have about this matter.

To everyone who has commented constructively and been so helpful thank you.

I will not be taking any action about this. The offending notebook has been moved. I think the presents will more or less stay the same- all Xmas plans will remain the same.

I will not mention the incident to my daughter other than a general chat in a day or so about privacy.

The lesson is no surprises for bday and Xmas.

If she decides between this Xmas and next that santa is not real then so be it. Makes things easier for us all to not pretend - I thought I had another year or two of this but I should have realised as clever as she is the pretence was going to get seen though earlier than others.

And as others said this will be something we laugh about in years to come.

OP I have a few concerns about your reaction here.
Too smart for her own good? Saying she has the upper hand? I find these strange ways to refer to a 6 year old. She’s not a teenager, she’s 6. No matter how smart she might be, she’s 6. She will still struggle with impulse control. Hell I still used to go hunting for my Christmas presents older than that (mind you I have ADHD and would probably still hunt for them).

This hadnt ruined Christmas. You don’t need to write her a note - which is very strange in itself, why can’t you have a Frank conversation with your own child? What you should have done was asked her at the time why she asked that and then either left it or just given her a gentle reminder (providing you have already talked to her about not reading your personal papers because if you never have then this is entirely your fault) not to read your things. End of.

You will call me nasty for this, but your reaction and behaviour over this, how you seem to be obsessing, is the hit that concerns me. With all due respect, maybe you need to consider your own actions here. She’s a 6 year old child. She doesn’t need punishing for asking you a question about noodles and that is all you are aware she has done.

Sounds like you are hard on yourself OP, I expect you have your own background reasons for that, just don't let that spill into your child having to walk on eggshells around you. You are enough and you don't have to be perfect. You are her wonderful safe base, her room to experiment, you are the reason she is wonderfully smart and the one who can encourage her curiosity, her bravery and her open heartedness. Keep doing that.

You are absolutely right, it would be ridiculously and hilariously OTT but it's a 6 year old, not a 26yr old. Alot of my interactions with kids are overly dramatic, high energy, high comedy, - when they say Mummy Mummy I found a ladybird - I don't respond 'ok whatever, no big deal' - I say 'OMG that's amazing'.

I'm not coming at this from the angle of the child in question has absolutely decided that Santa isn't real - just that the child found a list and now I'm trying to style it out - that's where my head was at.

You have a different view, I actually can see your point of view on the inevitability - but 'bonker's' I'm not ok with.

@ChristmasLightsAndSparkles this is exactly what I do. I buy everything for bday stocking and christmas all at once with an eye on which is for what occasion. I keep notes so as not to repeat or buy similar gifts and so I know what other people are doing.

We had one year when she received 4 or 5 very similar dolls from me and wider famy when one would have sufficed and been appreciated more.

You know the worrying bit is not that she saw a list or was curious. She's six. The concerning bit is ALSO not your hurt/disappointment. The concerning bit is that you think she is a sneaky person, engaged in power play who has an upper hand. That's the concerning bit. And there is, I suspect, a little dollop of gender stereotyping there as well. I mean, you are assuming she'll be disappointed at Christmas when she gets these. She might not. She might be delighted to actually open them. Why are assuming there is a power play of some sort going on and you want to retaliate? I don't think this is about the presents at all, but about other things- and maybe your broader relationship with her?

My children can be naughty, but as the mother of an almost 6 year old, he can do sneaky things, but it's never ever about power play. It's natural curiosity. There is no malice. The way you are describing your daughter it is almost as if she's a teenage girl.

Also your 'well she'll be disappointed on Christmas Day and she'll learn a lesson and learn not to snoop' is so mean spirited as well. Is that what Christmas or gifting is about? Teaching very small children that they are lower down the pecking order?

Exactly, this is what I was trying to say but you have phrased it better. This gave me huge red flags, it’s an odd way to feel about your 6 year old daughter.

@Runningintolife thank you so much. Your comment was touching and has hit a nerve. I do place an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be a good parent and question a lot of what I do in my head. My daughter has all of those attributes and more and I absolutely love helping her to explore the world and make sense of it.

@Wheatandchaff of course I look at my reaction to this. And I will admit this is more about me than my daughter. As I have listed I won't be writing her a note and will be talking about privacy with her at some point this week where appropriate. She won't be getting a stocking full of noodles or anything mean I promise.

Her question took me rather by surprise this morning and it actually took me 10-15 minutes to figure out why she asked the question. At the time I just said noodles were food and went to make breakfast and get coffee. It then occurred to me why she could have asked. And I do recognise that she may not have read the notebook and this could be just a random 6year old question with no meaning

Your first post sent shivers down my spine. It feels like you want to drag her down the stairs and give her a good telling off. I hope you're not a scary parent! She's a kid! Who cares if she saw it. Hopefully she'll be happy with what u got her.

I might be missing something but Christmas is 6 weeks away and you said you had written a lot of lists (her Xmas presents, bday presents, stocking presents, Santa presents, presents from family, a food list... etc).

Is she even going to remember the list on Xmas day?? and specifically the items on it that are for her? I'd just ignore it now and hope she forgets! trying to get her to 'confess' that she's seen it is more likely to stick in her mind and kill the magic more than opening something she already knows what it is (I would have thought)

@MangshorJhol thank you for your feedback.

Yes it does seem rather silly to be in a power play with my 6 year old and I can assure you I am not but can see from my comments why you and others would think this.

As mentioned this has been a safe space for me to work through how I feel about this matter.

I have never said that I would delight in my daughters disappointment that she has no surprises for Christmas but it is a valuable lesson she will learn when she gets the presents she has read about and therefore no surprise.

I have neither the time or money to return and repurchase gifts so we will be making do with what we have.

@heartbroken22 I'm not a scary parent at all. I'm actually very laid back and trusting. I can be scary when necessary but this is reserved for life and death situations which of course this isn't.

I'm the kind of parent who actually does like to think about things before I react in general hence my asking for advice as I've never been in this situation before.

@ChippyTea16 thank you and yes I don't think I will specifically be bringing up the notebook or anything contained in it with my daughter. I will be having general conversation about privacy without specifically referring to the christmas notebook!

This is why I use an app on my phone. I would love one of those red Christmas planner notebooks, but they would all look through it!

Maybe write a message in the book where the pages were to say "posted to Santa 14/11/2022" or something ?

I guess it depends how your list was written but she might think you have told Santa what he needs to get her and then what you are getting her? Worth a shot maybe 🤞🏼

@Primula78 I think you’ve taken on board everyone’s constructive advice.

I just want to mention that it may be a good idea to search why you perceived this as fodder for power play and use such pejorative terms such as ‘upper hand’ and so on in regards to a very young child who was just inquisitive and did what many children might do. The wording you use about almost wanting to manipulate her into to being ‘open and honest’ with you is a little worrying. So I would suggest that you explore what sort of parenting you had. And in particular what your mother’s attitude to you was like. There may be things you’ve picked up in your own childhood and growing up years that you might not want to pass on in the way you relate to your child.

*search out

Another one who doesn't know why you think she should be punished or you need to change the prsents. That's quite horrible tbh.
I snooped on my presents every year. My mother wasn't very imaginative with hiding places.

(Either that or maybe you had a sister who you didn’t always get along with or whose actions were sometimes underhand or made you angry/feel wronged, particularly in teenage years. It’s very easy to let dynamics like that colour how we relate to our children)

Jesus Christ, I hope this is a wind up. Why are you in completion and a power struggle with a 6 year old?

I must admit I also think you’re massively overreacting OP. It sounds like you have realised that, which is good. None of this is a big deal in my opinion.

You sound unhinged. She’s a child. You’re acting more immature than she is.

If it was me I’d swap a few gifts out and add in a few different things so she still has surprises. But then again I’m someone who doesn’t want to punish a child for accidentally seeing something you left at your hole and she was able to see.

She did not set out to find your silly little Christmas notepad. She saw it, by accident. She is a child, she is curious. She didn’t do anything wrong.

She won’t be laughing about this in years to come unless you change your attitude about the thing. It’ll become the year “mum was a bit of a knobhead and took great delight in Christmas not being magical anymore because she was ridiculously attached to a notebook I didn’t mean to even see”.

But if you want to be bitter, go ahead. It wouldn’t be for me.