My daughter has found my Christmas list plan

[Primula78]

Hello

After advice please

Yesterday my daughter (6 nearly 7 and bright/doesn't miss a trick) was building a den with blankets around my work desk. Didn't think anything of it until this morning. She asked me a question that made me stop and double take.

On my desk are many notebooks. At the back of one of these notebook (my christmas planning one) i have listed all the presents I have purchased for her bday and Xmas (they are close together) I have listed her stocking items, the items santa is bringing and then the presents we have got and what I have asked wider family to get. I also have lists for wider family presents, food, Xmas cards.

I think she found the notebook when playing ans read it based on the question she asked this morning. I'm very cross and hurt, I haven't asked her outright but I have asked her if she has anything she wants to tell me and she said no.

I have now removed these pages from the notebook. My initial thought is to write a message for her if she returns to the book along the lines of 'I know you have read this - all presents have been returned. Please do not look in my notebooks again'

My husband says this is very mean and it's natural for kids to snoop etc.

Any advice please?

How could you be so spiteful as to even think of doing this?! I do hope this is a totally fictional post!

You left stuff lying around - it’s on you.

And even if she had been trying to find stuff out, so what? One of my treasured Christmas memories is each year sneaking into the wardrobe where my pressures were hidden and looking excitedly at them. Was still excited and thrilled on Xmas day. Was just part of the Christmas specialness and anticipation for me.

You are upset because of what YOU wanted to get out of Christmas ( her surprise). Stop centering yourself and realise she will see things differently.

I have a list of everything written down too mam0918 - it's the only way I can remember
What do you need to remember if they're already bought and on the premises? You surely couldn't forget to the point of buying the same thing twice?!

@TangledWebofMincemeatDeception

Again with the good advice.

I'm really venting all my feelings and thought processes here in a safe space whilst my child is in school so that when I collect her I am nice and calm and rational.

We shall see what happens later when I pick her up. I find she talks about things days or weeks after they have happened almost like she has to process them herself first so this may come up again later down the line.

@Harrysnippleno3 and you wouldn't feel disappointed if your child found all their Christmas and bday presents?

I never said that, did i?

There was one year I took photos of all the piles for me DC before I wrapped them and absentmindedly gave my eldest, who was around 8 at the time, the iPad a few weeks later. She was about 15 when she told me she had seen them!

Disappointed? Yes absolutely, but hurt? No. It's overly dramatic and your expectations of a 6 years old are too high.

I don't want to hurt her or be mean really but she's too blooming clever for her own good and she has the upper hand at the moment.

This is an awful way to think about your child. Parenting isn’t about power, who is in charge or who has the upper hand.

It’s about teaching your children how to behave in the world and if she has looked (because you don’t know she has) this is a valuable lesson for her. It should be used as a teaching moment, not a moment for you to punish and try to gain power back.

Yes I can see why you’re hurt but your anger and wanting to punish and hurt her simply for being curious and behaving as children do is not acceptable and you need to control it.

Why is that bonkers? We take children to see Santa every year. We show them movies and read them books that depict Elves in their workshops making presents for Children. Stories, media, theatre productions all centred around lapland. We do Elf on the shelf. We leave cookies and milk and a carrot. We put stocking at the end of their bed. We post letters to Santa.

Why would it be 'bonkers' to say - I've now got to call lapland?

As I said, there will be people who do not subscribe to our version of Christmas, that's ok - but it's not 'bonkers'. Let's be very clear on that.

There was no need for that remark.

I feel like I want her to know I know with out having to say I know she knows

Please don't play power games with 6yo.

By all means vent here but in irl say and do nothing. This really doesn't need to be a hard lesson in snooping.

Reading your op I am totally shocked at the angle you want to take.
It's not her fault really - children are inquisitive.
It's YOUR FAULT you left is laying around for her.
Cross and hurt? This is crazy!
I suspect it's misplaced anger which should be directed towards yourself

Looking for presents is one thing. Innocently coming across a note book and having a nose is a very normal thing for a curious kid to do. I know you’re annoyed but I think you should be annoyed at yourself rather than your child.

I have a password protected notes on my phone personally

As I said, there will be people who do not subscribe to our version of Christmas, that's ok - but it's not 'bonkers'. Let's be very clear on that.

There was no need for that remark.
The theatrical flapping (your words) sounded hilariously OTT to me. And sure, make as big or small a deal of FC as you want. There are lots of different approaches. But trying to fight back against the inevitable finding out once a child has found something that makes them question it just so you can carry on having your version is bonkers. I'll stand by that.

so that when I collect her I am nice and calm and rational.

You are unhinged. There is NO reason you shouldn't be calm and rational anyway.
You sound toxic and your kid will have issues with you when she is an adult if you don't stop this pathetic attitude

@YellowTreeHouse thank you for your advice. I'm really not an awful parent. My initial reaction was one of anger and to write in the book and return all the presents. Isn't that how most people react when angry but then when they calm down and take advice they have a different plan of action. I have taken on board the comments and calmed down.

I agree this is a valuable lesson for my dd when it comes to xmas and her bday and she has no surprises. We do need to talk about not touching and looking at items that are not hers.

You've both learnt a lesson of sorts. If she has read it and feels disappointed on Christmas morning, then she will remember that her actions were the reason. Kids do things they shouldn't all the time, I'd be surprised if most people didn't have similar stories. Maybe keep your list in a locked document on your computer and chalk it up to experience and move on from it.

Don't write that message!
Move the notebooks. Hide them better.
Say nothing!

I'm very cross and hurt

Your dd is 6. What on earth are you hurt about?

Read the rest of her posts - it gets even more batshit

I did @MollieMarie

This one stood out:

I'm really venting all my feelings and thought processes here in a safe space

The way you talk about your desk, is just weird like you claim this space in your home that's a no go area for other, I mean it's in the living room, please keep your confidential stuff in an area that's not in the family's shared space.

Maybe it's a wind up , I hope it is.

@psuedocream3 thank you. Good advice.

@WaterRice can you not imagine. Perhaps you should read my other posts explaining why I'm hurt and cross. And yes it is possibly more at myself rather than at my 6 year old.

Oh how I wish I was so perfect as to not have a notebook with all my other notebooks on my desk which my 6 year old who is very clever and understands what fo not touch means has looked at. It was a million to 1 chance that she found it (if she has)

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy I am not unhinged. If you have never reacted in anger or what the feelings of the moment are and then talked yourself down or had advice from others then you are a better human than I. But I would thank you to not call me toxic or imply my chd will have issues with me. If I had gone with my initial thoughts then yes but I have listened to advice and calmed down.

Oh to be as perfect as some on here.

You're not putting yourself in a good light here @Primula78

I think she will have learnt a valuable lesson if she remembers what's on the list and has no surprises.

Depends on her personality. I would have learnt something but it's not what you'd be hoping for as I loathe surprises and always have.

I'd also be wary of making an issue of it. I dislike Christmas because my childhood ones were always filled with tension. You obviously love Christmas, don't let your feelings about this taint hers. I have a 7 year old, their impulse control isn't great and that's assuming it wasn't an accident, I.e. she knocked the notebooks off building her den.

For the record, said 7 year old is like me and hates surprises. He knows exactly what he's getting apart from his stocking and he will still have a brilliant Christmas. No surprises is not the end of the world.

@MollieMarie @WaterRice I can assure you I am not batshit.

I also do not claim a space as a no go area for anyone else. It is my work desk. My child has been asked to not touch the notebooks. She has plenty of access to paper and pens of her own. I neatly stack the desk at the end if the working week so that if she wants to colour there or use the computer she can.

I work from home I will see no-one else but my husband and my child today. I have no-one else to talk about this issue and it's big for me. I have had some lovely advice and help from understanding people. But you better believe that yes this has been a safe space for me to process my thoughts on the matter ans I will deal with later as a better person.

Maybe you should think about how mean spirited you are.

None of us are perfect, stop repeating this passive aggressive dig.

You do have issues if you react that strongly to a young child discovering something interesting in her home and taking a closer look.

My youngest recently spotted his main gift as when it was delivered I had nowhere to put it so popped it temporarily behind a piece of furniture. My dc's reading diary dropped on the floor and when he retrieved it he found the gift.

All he said was 'mummy I have evidence that Santa doesn't exist' and told me about their surprise discovery. I just said some presents are from Santa and some from mummy and daddy and that I was sorry for not finding a better hiding place. he was ok about it. No drama.

She's seen the "nice" list, sure, but has she seen the "naughty" list?

I hear you, it's vexing when lovely plans go awry.

In our house, I never hid lists or presents very well, as mine were snoopers and hated surprises, so I didn't mind too much if they discovered things.....the wondering whether they'd been naughty or nice was stress enough for them.

OP I think you're mostly annoyed at yourself and disappointed that the magic of Christmas has been a bit tarnished.
Can't be undone.
Christmas will still be lovely for her.
My DD admitted to me after the event that she found her presents one year and had a peek. It was still fine. It's all part of our individual Christmas stories.

Johnnysgirl you clearly have a better memory than me

My DD also has her birthday close to Christmas, so I'm choosing 2 lots of presents for her (plus stocking) as well as Christmas presents for family and friends children too.

I start buying in September in order to get ideas and good deals, and whilst I might not buy exactly the same thing twice I could easily forget I've already got something for child X, or the exact mix of toys/craft/useful things for DD. I check my list whenever I see another possible gift to make sure I buy the right quantity and balance. Gifts are squirrelled away deep inside a cupboard as soon as they come into the house, and I definitely can't see them all without effort!