My daughter has found my Christmas list plan

[Primula78]

Hello

After advice please

Yesterday my daughter (6 nearly 7 and bright/doesn't miss a trick) was building a den with blankets around my work desk. Didn't think anything of it until this morning. She asked me a question that made me stop and double take.

On my desk are many notebooks. At the back of one of these notebook (my christmas planning one) i have listed all the presents I have purchased for her bday and Xmas (they are close together) I have listed her stocking items, the items santa is bringing and then the presents we have got and what I have asked wider family to get. I also have lists for wider family presents, food, Xmas cards.

I think she found the notebook when playing ans read it based on the question she asked this morning. I'm very cross and hurt, I haven't asked her outright but I have asked her if she has anything she wants to tell me and she said no.

I have now removed these pages from the notebook. My initial thought is to write a message for her if she returns to the book along the lines of 'I know you have read this - all presents have been returned. Please do not look in my notebooks again'

My husband says this is very mean and it's natural for kids to snoop etc.

Any advice please?

Wow what a total overreaction. She looked at your notebook and you want to punish her? Poor kid. It's your fault for leaving the notebook somewhere accessible.

I'm very cross and hurt

I would be cross with yourself not your DD. She was building a den under your desk so it's obviously not an 'out of bounds' area, and you left the notebook on the desk. That was careless. You should have put it in a place where she couldn't find it!

I can understand your disappointment and frustration that she's probably seen your list, but she doesn't deserve punishment for this.

I wouldn't take all the presents back either as one person suggested. Presumably the gifts are things she's asked for for Christmas or things you know she'll love. It's a shame the element of surprise is gone but if she doesn't believe in Santa then the magic isn't ruined. Just roll with it and hopefully she'll realise that the surprise is better on Christmas Day and won't look again, and you won't leave your list lying around.

I'm not really sure what crime she is meant to have committed?

Reading your notebooks? I guess it would depend on the extent to which you'd already discussed with her about how reading other people's stuff was 'wrong' because I am not sure it's an automatic lesson we all pick up on at that age.

Even so, I think I'd cut her some slack. if she's not telling you she read it then she already feels bad or worried somehow. I think I'd lean towards talking to her about it, without blame, and turning it into a chance for her to learn the morals involved in doing that.

My kids discovered their big present the other year at ages 6 and 9, I just said it was ready to be sent to the Elves and if they were good they would bring it back!

Gosh get over it! Poor kid. It's natural for kids to be curious. You should keep anything private out of reach.

Agree with others. You can't blame her if you've left something unsecured in an area she's allowed to play in.

My work stuff is locked away in a drawer where my kids can't get at it. I also keep all the Xmas lists locked away on my phone.

My 7YO has already worked out Santa isn't real. He goes to school with a load of kids who observe various faiths so they're bound to talk about it. I've neither confirmed or denied it. Just answered with a vague 'Well we shall see on Christmas then'.

The year I hunted and found my presents was the year I learned Santa was 100% not real and that it was a bit shit knowing what present I was getting Christmas Day.

Actions and consequences. Other than that I don't think she deserves punishment.

She’s 6. Either you haven’t made it clear that your notebooks are private and she mustn’t touch them or you have made a big deal of it, which is like making a signpost with big arrows saying ‘interesting stuff is in here’. I’m really not convinced that this is her fault.
I’m also not sure what damage has actually been done.

"I'm very cross and hurt"

Poor kid. You don't even know if she's read it. What's wrong with you?

Those asking the question about what she asked - she asked me what noodles are? She would only know noodles in the context of food really but I have got her a TY teddy called noodles and wrote noodles on the list. This question and then remembering where she had been playing made me think she has seen the book.

There are many notebooks on my desk - they are mainly for work and she has been told before to not touch my work books (she has written in them before) so she knows not to touch them.

I'm hurt because as a previous poster has said I put a lot of effort into making christmas special and now I'm feeling like it won't be. I'm cross with her for snooping and touching things she shouldn't.

I think she will have learnt a valuable lesson if she remembers what's on the list and has no surprises.

We've never really gone over the top with santa stuff - we visit him once and write a list. Leave out milk and a mince pie but we don't really do the whole be good or you get nothing and we talk about how mummy and daddy still have to pay for the gifts santa delivers.

I should have probably done the list on my phone but I never imagined she would find it. I'm not perfect I have millions of things to do in life and sort christmas. All the family ask what she wants and then her bday is 2.5 weeks later and they tend to give me all the presents at once when we are all together. I need to keep track of it all. The list was very detailed because it made sense to me.

I won't write the message. I asked her at the time why she asked the question about noodles because they are obviously food and she knows that. I then later asked her if she has anything she needed to tell me and she said no. I'll wait and see if she mentions anything again but keep quiet and follow the plans for christmas we had.

I can switch presents around - most have been purchased and stowed away and have been for months. But I can switch them up.

Why would you punish her for a situation of your own making? Do not leave a note, that feels vengeful and nasty. Why are you not having a conversation as a starting point?

"I think she found the notebook when playing ans read it based on the question she asked this morning. I'm very cross and hurt, I haven't asked her outright but I have asked her if she has anything she wants to tell me and she said no.
I have now removed these pages from the notebook. My initial thought is to write a message for her if she returns to the book along the lines of 'I know you have read this - all presents have been returned. Please do not look in my notebooks again'
My husband says this is very mean and it's natural for kids to snoop etc."

Seems like your husband is the only grown up there. If you have a chance, return some of the gifts and get something else?

If she saw, she saw. It’s not the end of the world.

On the upside - good reading skills!

It’s not right to punish someone because you’re angry, if they’ve not actually done something worthy of punishment. She might have had a little look, no big deal, really, and now she’s learnt that if she does that she might ruin things for herself. Put your notebook somewhere else. And start teaching her about respecting others’ privacy (which is different to not touching others’ things).

Dont worry about it, don’t switch it up. Do everything exactly as you have planned, and most of all, stop striving for perfection. You’re doing that for yourself, not for her. She’ll be happy either way.

most of all, stop striving for perfection. You’re doing that for yourself, not for her. She’ll be happy either way.
Absolutely this. People get so hung up on the "magic" and tie themselves in unnecessary knots. Nothing is spoilt unless you choose to let your disappointment spoil it.

I want to thank everyone who has given lovely advice to me.

I know my initial reaction is one of anger probably more with myself then anything else. And yes some conversations about privacy will be had in the coming days.

At the end of the day she is getting lovely gifts that she asked for or me and her dad thought she would like and that's pretty exciting in itself. If she doesn't believe in santa it's not the end of the world and will make things easier in the future.

@Sellorkeep I know! Regretting all that time spent helping her to read now! (Joke!)

@DappledThings
@TangledWebofMincemeatDeception
Thank you. Good advice.

Wrap a pot noodle for her stocking as a decoy

I honestly don't think Christmas is any less special for knowing 'the truth' about Santa etc. My DS is older (13) and has openly not believed in it all for years - not that I made a particular effort to maintain the fiction. Christmas Eve is still our favourite day of the period and I think DS was more excited last year than he has ever been.

It would be really out of order to punish your daughter because she's only spoiled the surprise for herself. The whole Santa and his reindeer fiction is supposed to be a bit of fun, not a belief that must be maintained at all costs.

I would just carry on as normal, and do a better job in future of hiding things I didn't want her to find.

Agree with this. Why are you hurt? My daughter is the same age, can’t imagine reacting this way.

You never imagined she'd find it but let her play next to the notebook that you know she's looked through before? As PPs have said, this is on you not the child.

It's not a big deal anyway - this isn't going to ruin her Christmas. And if she's disappointed herself then I'm sure she'll learn her lesson not to snoop again. No need for punishments or feeling 'hurt'.

My husband decided to go and do some electrical work in the cupboard where all my three years old’s presents are hidden whilst I had a bath. Luckily she fixated on one thing that she saw, and after a lot of tears and confusion with Dad telling her there wasn’t anything in there, I had to give it to her. So far hasn’t mentioned seeing anything else, and it’s obviously not her fault, but I’m so pissed off.

I think you're probably more disappointed than hurt and that's understandable.

I'd give her noodles for dinner tonight to see if she cracks