MIL Santa’s Grotto

[ReenTD]

My MIL has asked to take my DD (4) and DS (2) to see Santa this week. This would be their 1st trip to see him in their lives. I said I appreciated being asked, but actually, I would rather us to take them on our own for this one. But now my H is upset with me as he has to tell his mum ‘no’. Am I being unreasonable?

Could you not take them but invite MiL along? I totally get you want to take them and book it yourself etc but it would be a shame for them not to come too.

YANBU It’s a pretty safe guess that MIL got to have that moment with your DH. If you want to take them for their first Santa visit as it means something to you, that’s perfectly reasonable.

She can always take them on another day after you’ve been but it’s up to you. Perhaps a “not now” will help your DH out. Although he needs to get used to telling his DM no sometimes.

I understand that she wants to be involved, and the rational me thinks, ‘does it really matter?’, but all my ‘mum instincts’ are screaming that she’s trying to take over so I should take control. Maybe I should organise 2 different experiences (close together) so we both get our ‘1st’ feeling?

Isn’t it a little early to see Santa? It’s still November!

You are not being unreasonable. However, could mil go with you?

And why is your dh worried about saying no’ to his mother. That rings alarm bells to me. Is he always going to bow down to his mother?

There was a very similar thread recently. I think either two trips or invite her along.

I think it is a bit out of order asking. Of course you want to do that yourself the first time. She could take them to something else Christmassy.

I don’t think it’s out of order to ask. I know on mumsnet everything from the first haircut to the first time scraping dog shit out of their wellies is a ‘special first’ but in real life most people wouldn’t mind somebody simply asking to join an activity.

If you generally get on well I’d invite her with you or maybe to another similar event.

YANBU

The first is definitely for you!! The first everything should be yours really

I would ask your mil if she took your DH to grottoes and no regardless, I would say thank you so much but it's something I've been really looking forward too

You've clearly not been that bothered about taking dd if she's never been before and she's 4!
Anyway, since it's now such a big deal, why can't mil go with you?

She just turned 4 last week. I don’t see the point in taking babies to things that they won’t remember (and will probably freak them out!)😂so we’ve been waiting until there’s a level of understanding what’s going on.

I think it’s too early and of course you should bring them first!

Listen to your instincts . By all means organise two events, or do one and let your MIL do the other.

If your husband has never said no to his mother before, he definitely needs more practice.

Ask your Dh to imagine if his first santa's grotto experience was with his Grandparents rather than his parents. Why is he worried about saying no to his Mum? She has had her firsts with her children.

We had a similar thing with PIL but they just hadn't thought about it from our point of view. There was a particular thing they did that really upset Dh as he wanted to be with his son when he experienced something. Instead we got photos of our son doing it whilst with PIL. That was when we nipped it in the bud and explained how important some things are and surely MIL in particular would have been upset if her parents/PIL had robbed her of some of her firsts.

It doesn't matter that other people don't understand first experiences but it matters to you and that is what is important. Santa's grotto is important, it is a once a year thing for a short period of their lives.

Actually if it was me with my MIL I would take her and go together even if I would have preferred to go alone the first time. I would want her to feel included. Also I am mindful that when my children are older and this ‘magical time’ where Christmas is quite special with young children has gone, that my children and their partners may genuinely want to include me with some special events. I can imagine that watching my children and their partners, get the same joy from theirs may be quite a joyful experience in later life.

im not particularly close to my MIL for reference but she is a very nice lady and a very good grandparent who loves the kids. She is not overbearing (now that it’s not just my eldest as a tiny baby. Eg now there are lots of kids to think about). This is for context. If I had an overbearing or difficult mother in law then no I wouldn’t invite her to the first time if it would ruin it. I would take the kids and then book something for after for her to do.

Oh FGS is there nothing a MIL can do right. ? Do you seriously ALL remember you first visit to Santa ? In NOVEMBER ??

I absolutely fucking despair... and thank God everyday that I have only one son and a number of daughters . That way the nasty, unkind females such as those that hang out here - obsessing about 'taking control' and 'enforcing boundaries' will be limited to 1.

This harridan or horror wants to take your child to see Santa and Asked YOU first . Instead of just doing it whilst out with her grandchildren .

You feel she's 'taking over' ... haven't been fussed before .. but my god NOW you are going to put this terrible woman in her place !

I am so fucking fed up with this attitude from women to other women and wish ten sons upon you all with similar unpleasant daughter in laws .

Or you could just say 'That's lovely, THANK YOU' .. and then when it is ACTUALLY Christmas and your kids are getting hyped from it seeping from every inch of the fabric of their environment. .. take them again .

She's done nothing wrong. She asked first, you say "thanks, but I'd like to take her this year as it'll be her first visit. But there's a (insert other Christmas event) happening on such a date, that I'm she she'd enjoy if you'd like to take her"

You don't have to jump to her 'taking over'. If that was the case she'd just have done it without asking. But your DH really does have to man up here.

No harm in her asking I guess but you're well within your rights to say no. I'd arrange to go but invite her along if you'd like her to be there. DS is 4 and hasn't seen Santa yet, I think we'll wait til next year cause he's quite shy.

This with bells on.

Or could it be because there are a lot of mils who get acting like a mother mixed up with acting like a gp?
Id say invite her along if she doesnt try to take over, otherwise mention that like she probably did with her children, you want to experience some things just you and your child for the first time.

If DH is worried about saying no then it is possible the MIL maybe of the overbearing variety.

And in these sort of scenarios it doesn’t have to be just MILs who overstep it can be DMs too.

I understand the OP waiting until the child was slightly older to minimise the likelihood of the child not enjoying the experience.

If MIL is lovely and the DH is worrying unnecessarily about saying no to her, then if numbers aren’t limited then I might offer for her to come with you. When DS was little no GPs lived locally so would time visit to Santa when one set was visiting us.

Totally agree

I’m with you OP, it’s a parents role to be apart of all the firsts, I’d be telling dh that I have no problem saying no to the grandparent, whether it be my mum or my mil.

any grandparent that tries to do the firsts is in the wrong.

eg buying the first shoes, the first Santa visit, the first haircut.

why would any grandparent think otherwise?